GIFT  OF 


Laconics 

(Revised  Edition) 


IIANFORD   LENNOXx  GORDON 


THE   SHAKESPEARE   PRESS 

114-116  E.  a8TH    STREET 

NEW  YORK 

xgxa 


COPYRIGHT 

Entered  in  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  Washing- 
ton, D.  C.,  in  the  year.1912,  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon. 


£6 


PREFACE. 

For  years  I  have  made  a  practice  of  keeping  notes 
of  such  thoughts  and  laconic  expressions  as  I  deemed 
worth  preserving.  Out  of  the  mass  I  have  now 
sifted  and  arranged  the  contents  of  this  volume. 

There  are  not  many  thoughts  in  this  book  that 
have  not  been  expressed  by  others  in  some  form.  I 
have  aimed  to  prune  and  improve,  and  have  perhaps 
produced  a  few  hybrids. 

1  'Though  old  the  thought  and  oft  expressed, 
'Tis  his  at  last  who  says  it  best"- Lowell. 

I  have  followed  the  advice  of  Horace — "Misce 
stultiam  consiliis  brevem." 

I  have  quoted  often — perhaps  too  freely — from 
my  ''Indian  Legends  and  Other  Poems." 

Hanford  Lennox  Gordon. 
Los  ANGELES,  CAL. 
December  30,  1911. 


251285 


WITH  THE  COMPLIMENTS  OF  THE  AUTHOR 

HANFORD  L.  GORDON 

ERRATA. 

To  the  Reader: 

With  much  regret  1  call  your  attention  to  the  more  important 
errata  in  this  revised  edition  of  Laconics.  My  main  reason  for  issuing 
this  edition  was  to  correct  the  typographical  errors  and  omissions  in 
the  first  edition.  There  are  many  more  in  this. 

Under  my  contract  of  January  4,  1932,  with  Charles  H.  Cochrane 
(who  styles  himself  "Proprietor  of  The  Shakespeare  Press" — 114-116 
East  Twenty-eighth  street,  New  York  City)  this  revised  edition  of 
1500  copies  was  finally  issued  in  October,  1912.  Said  contract  pro- 
vided (among  other  things)  as  follows:  "The  proof  sheets  of  said 
book  shall  be  carefully  read  and  correctly  revised  by  said  Cochrane 
and  no  typographical  errors  shall  be  allowed  therein.  Correctly  revised 
duplicate  proof  sheets  of  all  matter  of  said  book  shall  be  mailed  to 
said  Gordon  before  such  matter  is  put  into  page  form,  for  the  purpose 
of  allowing  said  Gordon  to  make  small  changes  in  the  text  without 
extra  charge,  but  he  shall  not  be  responsible  for  typographical  errors. ' ' 
I  insisted  on  this  because  I  have  always  found  it  difficult  to  critically 
proof-read  my  own  productions.  Large  advance  payments  were  made. 

When  a  copy  of  this  book  was  finally  received  by  me  from  said 
Cochrane,  I  found  nearly  one  hundred  typographical  ejrors,  omissions 
and  deviations  from  copy  in  it.  Some  of  these  are  in  mispelled  words, 
faulty  punctuation  and  spacing,  all  contrary  to  copy.  I  ask  the 
reader  to  note  and  correct  in  the  text  the  following  more  important 

ERRATA 

Page  4 — Line  22,  read   "The  virtues  of"  instead  of  "virtue  of." 

Tage  5— Line  2,  strike  out  the  and  insert   a. 

Page  7 — Line  13,  strike   out    a   before    "few   words." 

Page  27 — Line  13,  strike   out   a   before   "crime." 

Page  28 — Line  2,  from  bottom  read  "lousy"  instead  of  "lowsy." 

Page  28 — Last  line,  change  "shud'nt"  to  "shudn't." 

Page  31 — Line  3,   read  "struttin'  "  instead  of  "walkin'.  " 

Page  31 — Line  4  from  bottom,  after  "fool"  add  — Bronco   Bill. 

Page  32 — Lines    18,    20,    21    and    22    (and    wherever    same    error   occurs), 

make  "common  sense"  one  word. 

Page  34 — Line  12,  change  "Alus"  to  "Allus." 

Page  46— Line  11  from  bottom,  read   "gone  te"  instead  of  "gone  to." 


Page     51 — Line  12  from  bottom,   strike   out   "own"   before    "doxy." 

Page    70— Line  2,  insert  *  after  "ze  night." 

Page    97— Line  19,  read  fools'   instead  of  fools. 

Page  114 — Under  marriage  strike  out  the  misplaced  line,    "The  cheapest 

labor  is  the  dearest." 

Page  119— Line  9,  read  "Bronco   Bill"  instead  of  "Broncho   Bill.' 
Page  119 — Line  11  from  bottom,  read  "nor"  instead  of  "or." 
Page  127 — Line  3  from  bottom,  insert  a  comma  after  "No." 
Page  134 — Line  13,  strike  out  "kind  of"  before  "poverty." 
Page  137 — Line  8  from  bottom,  read  "And  cuts  a  gem,"  etc. 
Page  142 — Strike  out  line  4  from  bottom   (misplaced). 
Page  143— Line  11  from  bottom,  read  "Intu"  instead  of  "inter." 
Page  157 — Line  13  from  bottom,  "Since"  mis-spelled  "Sinse." 
Page  160 — Line  13  from  bottom,  strike  o  out  of  "religion." 
Page  161 — Line  3  from  bottom,  insert  "and  demagogues"  after  "thieves." 
Page  162 — Line  4  from  bottom,  strike  out  the  word  "all"  before  "bitters." 
Page  164 — Line  8  from  bottom,  read  "ain't"  instead  of  "aint." 
Page  166— Line  8,  strike  out  last  word  "in"  and  insert  "out." 
Page  167— Line  13,  strike  out  the  h  in  "Broncho." 
Page  174 — Line  1,  strike  out  the  word  "most." 
Page  175— Line  4  from  bottom,  insert  "bis"  in  lieu  of  "dis." 
Page  175— Line  11  from  bottom,  insert  "bis"    in    lieu   of   "dis." 
Page  175 — Line  11  from  bottom,  read  "sordid   gold." 
Page  178 — Line  10  from  bottom,  second  "death"  should  be  in  italics. 
Page  181 — Line  17,  strike  out  the  hyphen  after  "Oft." 
Page  182 — Line  6,  read  "ontu"   instead  of   "onter." 
Page  184 — Line  11  from  bottom,  read  "breeds"  instead  of  "breed." 

Page  199— Line  2,  strike  out  ?  and  insert  ! 

Page  208— Line  14  from  bottom,  read   "load    of   bullion"    instead   of   "loaf 

of  bullion." 

Page  211 — Line  15,  read   "see   the   animals  run  wild." 
Page  212 — Line  20,  insert  a  hyphen  between  spread  and  eagle. 
Page  227— Line  18,  correct  "did'nt." 
Page  228— Line  16,  insert    "the"    before    "B'yne." 
Page  234 — Line  6  from  bottom,  read  "fraquently"  instead  of  "frequently." 

Notice:  By  paying  to  said  Cochrane  fifty  dollars  extra  over  the 
contract  price  for  manufacturing  (without  typographical  errors)  1500 
copies  of  this  book,  I  have  finally  gotten  out  of  his  hands  (as  I  am 
informed  by  my  agent  in  New  York)  all  of  the  copies  (1500)  manu- 
factured by  said  Cochrane,  and  he  has  no  right  to  print,  publish,  issue, 
sell,  or  offer  for  sale,  any  copy  or  copies  of  my  said  book.  This  book 
is  not  for  sale,  but  will  be  distributed  gratis  among  my  friends  and 
to  such  persons  and  libraries  as  I  may  direct. 

HANFOED  L.  GORDON. 
208  South  Broadway,  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 
October  30,  1912. 


LACONICS 


Abuse.     Our  appetites  are  for  use,  not  for  abuse. 

Everything  has  its  use  and  abuse. 
Acknowledgment.     If    you    have    done    a    wrong 
thing,  do  a  manly  thing — acknowledge  it. 

Adjectives.     He   is    loaded    with   adjectives — mostly 

superlatives. 

Adversity.     Only  in  adversity  do  we  come  to  know 
ourselves. 

Adversity  leads  the  wise  to  prosperity. 

The  winds  of  adversity  blow  egotism  out  of  us. 

Adversity   winnows  out   the   chess   and  the  chaff; 
the  wheat  remains. 

In  adversity — calm  ;  in  prosperity — calm. 

They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in   pros- 
perity. 

The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 

In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends  ;  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 

Advice.     Be  careful  whom  you  advise,  lest  he  pur- 
sue the  adviser  instead  of  the  advice. 

All  can  give  advice ;  few  profit  by  it. 

"It  is  more  blessed  to  receive"  advice  than  to  give 
advice. 

Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 

It  is  easy  to  give  advice  after  it  is  done. 

Take  a  few  drops  of  your  own  advice. 

Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 
doctor;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 

Don't  feed  advice  to  a  fool :  he  can't  digest  it. 


LACONICS 


Affliction.  Strength  is  born  in  the  silence  of  afflic- 
tion. 

A  proud  man,  like  a  generous  vine,  runs  wild  and 
fruitless,  unless  propped  by  wisdom  and  pruned 
by  affliction. 

The  gem  is  polished  by  friction,  man  by  affliction. 

The  crushed  rose  gives  the  sweetest  perfume. 

The  bitters  of  affliction  are  a  good  tonic. 

After.     It  is  easy  to  give  advice  after  the  event. 
Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 
dead. 

After-thought.    His  head  is  full  of  after-thought. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  after-thought. 

Age.    That  man  never  grows  old  who  keeps  youth 

in  his  heart. 

That  man  is  already  too  old  who  has  lost  confi- 
dence in  himself. 

Ahead.    Hope,  ahead ;  regret,  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
Put  your  face  to  the  front,  and  go  ahead. 

Aim.    Take  aim  or  you  will  waste  your  ammunition. 

Air — airs.    Fresh  air,  free  from  care,  a  walk  in  the 
sun,  and  a  little  fun,  are  better  than  pills  for 
you,  my  son. 
Don't  put  on  airs,  you  will  only  air  your  littleness. 

All.    One  thing  is  a  part  of  all  things. 

If  we  knew  everything  of  one  thing,  we  would 

know  everything  of  all  things. 
All  for  each  and  each  for  all. 

Alms.  The  best  alms  you  can  give  a  "hobo"  is 
a  sledge-hammer  and  a  rock-pile. 


LACONICS 


Ambition.    Ambition  is  the  germ  of  noble  deeds. 

Amend.  If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  your- 
self, and  stay  with  it. 

If  you  have  wronged  yourself,  make  amends. 

The  Legislature  cannot  amend  or  repeal  the  laws 
of  Nature. 

Amusements.     Innocent  amusements  are  blessings. 
Amusement  is  as  necessary  to  man  as  labor. 
Unstring  the  bow  or  else  the  bow  will  break. 
No  man  is  wise  who  is  not  all  his  life,  betimes,  a 
boy. 

Anarchy.     Anarchy  was  born  in  Hell. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  helpless  land. 
The  hundred-headed  monster  Cerberus. 
Mothered  of  hell  and  father  of  all  fiends. 

See  Liberty  run  mad  and  Anarchy, 

Bearing  the  torch,  the  dagger  and  the  bomb, 

Red-mouthed  run  riot  in  her  sacred  name : 

Men  lapse  to  savagery  and  turn  to  beasts. 

Hell-broth—hag-boiled, 

Maelstrom  of  madness,  lazar-howled,  hag-shrilled. 

Discord,  demented,  flaps  her  ruffled  wings, 

And  shrieks  delirium  to  her  screeching  brood. 

— Men. 

A  rattlesnake  bit  an  anarchist's  hide ; 
It  was  the  rattlesnake,  not  the  man,  that  died. 
An  anarchist! — Drive  ten-penny  nails  in  his  coffin. 
Mad   Murder   raves   and   Horror  holds  her  hell. 

— Men. 

****Men  murc[er_macl 
Slay  for  the  love  of  murder. — Men. 

Government  by  the  multitude  is  anarchy. 
Tn  time  of  anarchy  a  dictator  is  a  savior. 


LACONICS 


Republics  breed  thieves,  luxury  and  poverty  and 

end  in  anarchy. 
Anarchy  is  a  cancer  on  the  body  politic. 

Ancestry — ancestors. 

The  further  back  you  trace  your  ancestors  the 

nearer  you  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  has  degenerated  through  a  long  pedigree  from 

noble  brutes. 
He  apes  his  ancestor-apes. 

The  noblest  line  in  Europe  runs  back  to  a  robber. 
My  forefather  was  Adam. 

The    son    of   an    illustrious    man    stands    in    the 
"   shadow  of  his  father. 
Praise  your  noble  ancestors  less  and  imitate  them 

more. 
The  family  tree  of  nobility  is  like  a  potato-top — 

its  roots  bear  all  the  fruit. 
After  all,  birth  is  much.    "Do  we  gather  figs  from 

thistles?" 

From  a  noble  breed  a  noble  steed. 
From  good  seed  a  good  breed. 
The  virtue  of  our  ancestors  are  good,  but  virtues 

of  our  own  are  better. 
Our  ancestors  were  fine  fellows,  but  they  fought 

like  Kilkenny  cats. 
He  is  more  deserving  than  any  of  his  ancestors, 

and  most  of  them  were  hanged. 
Here  is  a  little  man  strutting  over  the  bones  of  his 

ancestors — turn    'im    out   in   the   pasture;    green 

feed  is  short  and  the  cows  need  him. 
"I  can't  boasht  av  me  ancestors,"  said  Pat  to  the 

English  lord,  "but  I  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity, 

fer  Biddy  an'  me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em." 
If  you  take  pride  in  your  ancestors  read  back  to 

the  tadpoles. 


LACONICS 


Angel.     A  man  may  look  like  an  angel  and  act  like 

the  devil. 

The  on'y  time  I  iver  got  badly  "done  up"  wuz 
playin'  poker  with  a  feller  with  a  angel-face  on 
'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

Anger.     Anger  begets  anger. 

Furious  rage  is  for  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Life  is  too  short  for  revenge. 

Anger  costs  too  much. 

The  wise  man's  anger  is  like  fire  from  a  flint — a 

flash  and  no  more. 
Anger  is  the  last  argument  of  a  fool. 
Temper  anger  in  "sweet  oil." 
Never  go  to  bed  angry :  you  had  better  sit  up  all 

night. 
An  angjy  man  "stirreth  up  strife,"  and  wounds 

himself. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attemps  to  quench 

a  fire  with  kerosene. 
There  is  an  anger  that  is  just — the  anger  of  truth 

betrayed. 
Anger  is  the  match  that  kindles  a  fire  that  burns 

a  city. 

Anticipation.  Anticipation  is  sweeter  than  enjoy- 
ment. 

Why  add  the  burden  of  to-morrow  to  the  should- 
ers of  to-day? 

Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 

He  anticipates  in  dreams  and  dines  on  a  crust. 

He  hez  a  "broiler"  fer  breakfast  ez  soon  ez  the 
hen  cackles. — Bronco  Bill. 

Antiquity.  How  many  fetters  we  willingly  wear 
because  they  were  forged  by  our  forefathers ! 


LACONICS 


Go  back  to  antiquity — to  the  chimpanzee  and  the 

gorilla. 
If  you  take  pride  in  your  ancestry  read  back  to 

the  cave-dwellers. 

Anxiety.     Anxiety  is  the  canker  of  life. 

Reasonable  apprehension  is  safer  than  too  confi- 
dent security. 

No  shoulders  are  broad  enough  to  carry  the  anxie- 
ties of  to-morrow  on  top  of  the  burdens  of  to-day. 

Don't  borrow  trouble  of  to-morrow. 

Aphorism — Apothegm.      Aphorisms     are     distilled 

thoughts. 

Proverbs  are  the  gold  dust  of  ages. 
Diamonds  from  the  drift  of  ages. 

Appendix.  "Doctor,  I  suffer  with  headache  after 
a  hearty  dinner."  "Clear  case  of  appendicitis, 
Madam:  I  will  call  in  the  surgeon" — (his  si- 
lent partner). 

Applause.     Vox  Populi  vox  Stultorum. 

It  is  better  to  deserve  applause  than  to  receive  it. 

The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

When  men  applaud  you,  ask  yourself  what  you 

have  done. 
If  you  hanker  for  applause  go  to  the  newspapers 

and  buy  it. 
The  echo  of  his  bellow  is  his  only  applause. 

Apple.     You  shake  the  tree  in  vain :  the  apples  are 

gathered. 
Don't  club  the  tree  after  the  apples  have  fallen. 

Architecture.  In  a  cottage  let  use  be  preferred  to 
beauty,  in  a  mansion  let  use  and  beauty  be  com- 
bined. 


LACONICS 


The  architecture  of  a  nation  is  an  index  of  its  civi- 
lization. 

Architecture  is  art. 

It  is  a  long  way  from  the  wigwam  to  the  Con- 
gressional Library. 

Ardor.     He  is  a  strong  man  who  in  a  long  struggle 

can  hold  his  ardor  to  the  end. 
Warm  up,  but  don't  get  hot. 
Ardor  is  good,  but  fire  will  scorch. 

Argument.     Be  calm  in  argument.     Anger  makes 

even  truth  a  fault. 
The  more  noise  the  less  reason. 
The  truth  can  always  be  told  in  a  few  words. 
Winnow  the  wheat  from  the  chaff. 
A  clear  statement  is  half  the  argument. 
The  last  argument  of  a  fool  is  anger. 

Hear  the  demagogues, 

With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellow  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 

He  has  a  strong  argument — he  carries  a  "big 
stick/' 

It  is  hard  arguing  against  hunger. 

An  Irish  argument — the  shillelah. 

The  point  of  his  argument  is  so  fine  that  it  re- 
quires a  microscope  to  discover  it. 

The  argument  of  the  orthodox  is  based  on  faith. 

His  argyment  limps  like  a  hoss  on  three  legs. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Aristocracy.     Princes  and  parasites  compose  man- 
kind; 

The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 
God  never  made  two  men  exactly  equal ; 
A  few  men  are  born  lords  and  many  underlings. 


LACONICS 


The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools ; 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

He  wuz  one  of  them  English  aristocracy :  he  wuz 
born  in  a  brewery. — Bronco  Bill. 

Armor.     Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 
And    Truth    your    weapon — weapon    sharp    and 

strong, 
And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

Armed,  cap-a-pie,  with  God's  almighty  truth. 

Arrogance.     None  so  arrogant  as   the  beggar  sud- 
denly rich. 
Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 

Art — artist.     Artless  art  is  the  highest  art. 

What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only,  is  but  tame. 

Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art ; 

Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites ; 

As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 

So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. — Poetry. 

Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is : 
Who  studies  nature  may  approach  her  skill ; 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill ; 
The  finest  works  of  art  are  Nature's  shadows  still. 

— Poetry. 

Reveal  art,  but  conceal  the  labor — "Ars  est  celare 
artem!' 

Aspiration.    See  Man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want : 
Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves ; 


LACONICS 


Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea ; 
Give   him   the   earth — he   reaches  for   the   stars. 

— Men. 

Is  there  no  higher  aim  than  cent  pro  cent? 
Are  all  our  holier  aspirations  spent? 

Most  preachers  preach  from  aspiration,  not  from 
inspiration. 

Ass.     None  but  an  ass  will  bray. 

"Hurry,   for  I  have  a  horse'  to  shoe,"  said  the 

blacksmith  to  the  cobbler  mending  his  shoe; 

"And  I  have  an  ass  to  shoe,"  said  the  cobbler. 
An  ass  is  known  by  his  bray. 
The  bray  of  a  jackass  is  music  to  the  whole  herd 

of  asses. 

The  ass  deserves  his  load. 
A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 
You  bray  me  an  ass? — am  I  your  brother? 
To  a  man,  reason;  to  an  ass,  a  goad. 
An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 
He  was  brought  up  on  ass-milk. 
A  sorry  ass  is  better  than  no  horse. 

Association.  "All  alone"  is  better  than  bad  com- 
pany. 

Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from 
the  company  they  keep. 

Two  brave  men  pulling  together  are  a  four-horse 
team. 

Association  develops  men. 

It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great  corporations; 
civilization,  the  welfare  of  the  human  race,  de- 
mand them ;  they  have  come  to  stay. 

Atheism.  If  miracles  will  convince  the  atheist,  let 
him  look  about.  All  God's  works  are  miracles. 


io  LACONICS 


Miracles? — Yes,  God  performs  miracles  by  the 
immutable  laws  of  nature. 

Atom.     No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. — Beyond. 

The  Universe  is  made  of  atoms ;  moments  are  the 
atoms  of  eternity. 

The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea ; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, — 

Yea,  myriad  millions! — What  are  we? — Fame. 

Audacity.     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 

Temper  audacity  with  reason. 

Audacity  and  a  fool  started  for  the  North  Pole 
in  a  balloon  some  years  ago;  they  haven't  re- 
ported yet. 

Authority.     Men  always  worshipped  the  rising  sun. 

"Give  unto  Caesar  that  which  belongs  to  Caesar," 
but  if  it  belongs  to  you,  keep  it  yourself. 

Power  is  authority. 

"You  have  no  authority  to  arrest  me,"  said  a 
greenhorn  to  a  New  York  policeman. 

"I  hain't  sor? — shmell  av  me  stick,"  replied  the 
"cop." 

How  often  the  ipse  dixit  of  a  little  judge  be- 
comes authority. 


B 

Babble.     Care  little  for  the  babble  of  Babylon :  care 

for  what  Truth  can  say. 
Let  the  babbler  babble. 


LACONICS  ii 


Babies.  The  "deadly  sin"  is  to  bring  into  the  world 
a  child  mentally,  morally  or  physically  tainted 
by  heredity. 

Quality  not  quantity — breed  children  as  a  wise 
breeder  breeds  horses,  cattle  and  pigs,  and  our 
prisons  and  asylums  would  soon  be  empty. 

Jackrabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bob, 

An'  the  niggers  an'  Chinee, 
An'  the  lazy,  lousy  "Greasers,"  Bob, 

An'  by  gosh,  why  shudn't  we? — Bronco  Bill. 

Back.     He  turns  his  back  on  the  enemy  and  slashes 

the  wind  with  his  sword. 

Don't  turn  your  back  on  the  truth,  and  always 
face  a  lie. 

Backward.     Don't  be  backward  in  coming  forward 

in  your  own  cause. 
A  man  cannot  stand  still ;  he  must  go  forward  or 

backward. 
He  is  never  backward  in  coming  forward  when 

the  dinner-bell  rings. 
It  is  sometimes  necessary  to  take  a  step  backward 

to  get  a  foothold. 
Evolution  never  goes  backward? — It  may. 

Bad.     Nothing  so  bad  as  it  seems. 
Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  least  of  the  bad. 
Nothing  so  bad  that  there  is  no  good  in  it. 

Bait.     It  is  rare  to  find  a  fish  that  will  bite  a  bare 

hook. 

A  golden  hook  needs  no  bait. 
There  is  a  bait  for  every  fish. 
A  bullhead  will  take  the  bait  that  a  trout  will  shy 

at. 
Have  your  hook   always  baited; — gudgeons  are 

plenty  in  every  pond. 


12  LACONICS 


Bare — barefoot.     If  you  are  barefoot  look  well  to 
your  path. 

Bard.     Better  be  a  good  blacksmith  than  a  driveling 
bard. 

Bark.     Let  the  little  dogs  bark :  did  you  ever  hear 
the  moon  bark  back  at  the  cur? 

It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite ; 

But    curs    kin    start    a    dog-fight. — -Bronco    Bill. 

Bashful.     Don't  be  bashful, — it  don't  pay. 

Bear.     Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee ; 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven ; 
For  charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

If  you  kick  'em  you  will  discover  the  difference 
between  a  skunk  and  a  bear. 

Beauty.     Beauty  needs  no  letter  of  introduction. 
No  blemish,  no  beauty. 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool  of 

a  man. 

The  most  beautiful  thing  is  Truth. 
Beauty  without  virtue  is  a  rose  with  a  bad  smell. 
Beauty — a  beautiful  soul  in  a  beautiful  body. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind? 

Beer.     The  more  beer  the  less  bread. 

Before.     Look  before  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  regret. 

Beg — beggar.     The  highest  price  you  can  pay  for 
anything  is  to  beg  for  it. 

Tf    ;«;    a    tjif,    qo.gi^qf.    p|1,,r^|v   +o    pr^p    fn    evf»rv    f^orp-nr. 

Bid    tVip   beo-p-ar    come   to-morrow:    rive   to   the 
needv  now. 


LACONICS  13 


Beginning.     Begin  well  and  then  keep  at  it. 
It  is  easier  to  begin  than  to  finish. 
Better  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up,  than 

begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
In  the  beginning  a  bucket  of  water  will  put  out  a 

fire  and  save  a  whole  city. 

Few  men  know  when  to  begin  and  when  to  stop. 
The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 

Behind.     When  you  are  behind,  look  before ; 
When  you  are  before,  look  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
On  the  wrong  road  the  faster  you  go  the  farther 
you  fall  behind. 

Behind  time.  If  you  are  behind  time  you  can't 
catch  the  "Limited"  by  running. 

The  wise  man  is  never  behind  time. 

Better  five  minutes  ahead  than  five  seconds  be- 
hind. 

Belief.  "I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe," 
said  a  Scotchman  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his  tail 
and  growled. 

Blind  belief,  what  is  it  but  superstition? 

We  are  inclined  to  believe  those  whom  we  do  not 
know,  because  they  have  never  deceived  us. 

Bend.     Better  bend  than  break. 

Benevolence.     I  relish  the  dinner  I  give  to  a  hungry 

man. 

I  never  gave  a  poor  boy  a  nickel  that  it  didn't  do 
me  more  good  than  it  did  him. 

Best.     The  best  thing  a  bad  man  does  is  his  last. 
If  a  man  is  ignorant  of  what  he  is,  how  can  he 
know  what  is  best  for  him  ? 


i4  LACONICS 


If  you  can't  have  the  best,  make  the  best  of  what 

you  have. 
Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  the  least  of  the  bad. 

Betray.     When  a  base  man  means  to  betray  you,  he 

will  be  your  best  friend. 
There  is  an  anger  that  is  just,  the  anger  of  truth 

betrayed. 
We  betray  ourselves  oftener  than  others  betray 

us. 

Better.  Better  a  skillful  blacksmith  than  a  drivel- 
ing poetaster. 

Better  go  fishing  than  do  nothing. 
Better  fight  than  lie  down  and  be  run  over. 
Better  a  poor  bone  than  no  meat. 

Beware.  Beware  of  the  snare — look  a  leetle  out, 
und  don't  put  yer  fut  in  it — till  it  goes  off  al- 
ready.— Hans. 

If  he  speaks  too  fair,  beware,  beware. 

Beware  of  the  man  you  have  forgiven;  he  will 

never  forgive  you. 
Beware  of  the  man  who  blows  a  big  mouth  and  a 

brass  band  for  the  "dear  people." 

Beyond.  The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun- 
touched  sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  Earth  ? 

Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
or  ever  wilt.    Content  thee :  let  it  be. 

Know  only  this — there  is  a  power  unknown — 

Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. — Beyond. 

That  which  is  manifestly  beyond  our  reach  is  be- 
yond our  desire. 

If  the  grapes  are  beyond  your  reach,  try  a  step- 
ladder. 


LACONICS  15 


Bible.  The  traditions  and  superstitions  of  a  people 
are  the  Bible  of  that  people. 

Bigotry.  Bigotry  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  near- 
sighted in  the  other. 

Ignorance  is  ever  bigoted. 

A  bigot  and  a  mule  are  twin  brothers;  but  the 
mule  is  the  better  man. 

"Big  Stick" — An  Irish  policeman. 
A  strong  argument,  a  "big  stick." 

Big  things.  It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after  big 
things  and  neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  all 
around  you. 

Bird.     An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  little  boy  with  a  gun. 
It  is  only  a  "dodo"  that  runs  twice  into  the  same 

net  after  chaff. 
He's  a  bird ;  his  head  is  f ul  o'  feathers.  Bronco  Bill. 

Bitterness — bitter.  Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bit- 
terness ;  strong  men  eschew  it. 

Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 
for  the  sweet. 

Stolen  fruit  is  always  bitter. 

The  bitters  of  affliction  are  a  good  tonic  if  you 
don't  take  too  big  a  dose. 

Blame.     In  every  quarrel  both  sides  are  to  blame. 
It  don't  take  two  to  have  a  quarrel ;  a  man  can 
quarrel  with  himself,  and  often  he  ought  to. 

Blather.     Blather  and  brains  don't  lodge  in  the  same 

cockloft. 

That  shyster  has  more  blather  than  Blackstone  ; 
If  he  had  more  Coke  in  his  cocoanut  he  would 

blather  less. 

Blemish.     No  beauty  without  a  blemish. 


16  LACONICS 


Blind.     Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  guide? 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 
We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind? 

Blood.     Mother  England,  Mother  England,  through 

the  ages  blood  will  tell, 
From  the  spears  that  baffled  Caesar  to  the  field 

where  Symons  fell ; 
And  from  rugged  Gael  and  Saxon,  brawny  Norsk 

and  stalwart  Danes, 
Still  the  blood  of  Bruce  and  Cromwell  tingles  in 

our  Yankee  veins. — Mother  England. 

Blood  will  tell  even  in  a  Hottentot. 

His  blood  is  like  the  juice  of  a  cucumber. 

Blood-hound.     Blood-hounds  behind  and  the  devil 

before. 

A  blood-hound  is  a  harmless  pup  if  he  gets  his 
nose  full  of  red  pepper. 

Blossom — blossomed.  The  blossom  withers  when  the 

fruit  appears. 

He  blossomed  out  in  the  newspapers. 
He  hed  a  peach-blossom  on  the  nub  of  his  nose. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Blunder.  Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age 
regrets. 

The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 
than  the  blunders  of  a  fool. 

The  man  that  never  made  a  blunder  lacks  educa- 
tion. 

Blunderbuss.  He  was  a  crack  shot  with  a  blun- 
derbuss. 

Blush.     He  blushes  like  a  Hottentot. 

Blush?  man,  he  blushed  all  over  his  anatomy. 


LACONICS  17 


Boast — boaster.    Never  boast  of  what  you  will  do 

till  you  have  done  it. 

Boaster — The  man  whose  roosters  lay  eggs. 
Don't  blow  your  bugle  till  the  battle  is  won. 

Boat.     Fair  boats  that  flutter  in  the  sun  your  sails, 
Piping  anon  to  gay  and  tented  shores 
Sweet  music  and  low  laughter,  it  is  well 
Ye  hug  the  haven  when  the  tempest  roars ; 
For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  billowy  sea, 
When  sweeps  the  thunder-voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And   roars    through   all   his   grim   and   vast   im- 
mensity.— Poetry. 

You  are  in  the  boat  and  the  devil  is  at  the  helm. 

Sink  or  swim,  I  am  in  the  same  boat  with  you. 

"Paddle  your  own  canoe,"  my  boy,  but  remember 
it  is  easier  paddling  down-stream  than  up- 
stream. 

Body.     The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Take    good    care   of   the   body — it's   your   work- 
machine. 

Bold.     All  gates  open  to  the  bold. 

Be  bold,  but  don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone 
wall. 

Bone.     What  is  bred  in  the  bone  will  stay  there. 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones ! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Backbone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 
A  dog  and  his  bone — let  'em  alone. 
Go — crack  Earth's  bones  and  heave  the  granite 
hills. — Men. 


i8  LACONICS 


Fve  got  it  in   my  bones ;   I  thought  it  was  in- 
spiration, but  I  guess  it  is  rumytics. — Bronco  Bill. 

Books.  The  best  thoughts  of  the  best  minds  of  the 
Ages  are  embalmed  in  books. 

Good  books  are  the  best  counsellors. 

A  book  that  inspires  no  thought  in  the  reader  is 
not  worth  reading. 

Give  me  good  books,  baked  potatoes  and  a  log- 
cabin  and  I  will  be  content — for  a  day. 

A  book  that  is  not  worth  reading  twice  is  not 
worth  reading  at  all. 

Many  books  are  to  be  tasted  and  some  few  to  be 
chewed  and  digested. — Bacon. 

A  good  book  is  good  company. 

There  be  books  and  books  and  books,  and  not  one 
in  a  hundred  is  worth  reading. 

If  books  are  books,  buy  'em  by  the  cord. 

'Tis  pleasant  sure  to  see  one's  name  in  print ; 
A  book's  a  book,  although  there's  nothing  in't. 

— Byron. 

Borrow.    Who  borrows  money  borrows  trouble. 
Who  pays  with  honor  borrows  with  ease. 
Many  are  ready  to  lend  to  the  man  who  has  no  need 

to  borrow. 

Borrow  trouble  and  pay  double. 
Who  loans  much  to  a  friend  loses  a  friend. 
Don't  borrow  trouble,  you  have  enough  of  your 
own. 

Boston.    Boston  is  no  longer  boss-town. 

Boston  is  no  longer  the  "Hub,"  it's  only  the  tail- 
board. 

Bottom.    Begin  at  the  bottom  and  climb  to  the  top. 


LACONICS  19 


We  sink  or  swim  as  we  deserve ;  most  of  us  go  to 

the  bottom. 

Boy.    The  boy  is  the  father  of  the  man. 
He  that  is  a  boy  at  fifty 
Was  never  very  wise  or  thrifty. 
Many  a  poor  boy  is  ruined  by  his  father's  money. 
At  sixty  play  with  the  boys ;  at  eighty  play  with 

the  girls. 
I  wish  I  war  a  little  boy — 

A  little  boy  agin, 
Ful  uf  frolic  an'  the  colic, 

Ful  uf  soda-pop  and  sin. — Bronco  Bill. 
Brains.     Brain  and  brawn  make  a  giant  indeed. 
You  can  give  a  man  advice,  but  you  can't  give 

him  brains  to  profit  by  it. 
Brains  don't  grow  on  bushes;  they  often  grow 

under  a  straw  hat. 
He  wars   a   number  six  hat — mostly  filled  with 

har. — Bronco  Bill. 
Brass — brazen.     He    was    born    in    Brassland    and 

bred  in  Brazen  College. 
Is  this  the  golden  age,  or  the  age  of  gold? 
The  Muses  whisper — "  'Tis  the  age  of  brass." 

— Poetry. 

Brass  glitters ;  gold  glimmers. 
He  is  as  brazen  as  a  brass  kettle. 
Brave — bravery.    A  brave  leader  makes  brave  men. 
Be  brave,  but  don't  be  brazen. 
There    are    several    degrees    Fahrenheit   between 

bravery  and  bravado. 
It  is  fool  bravery  to  butt  your  head  against  a  stone 

wall. 

He  is  brave — in  the  newspapers. 
Oi  wuz   brave  enough,  sor,  but  Oi   cudn't  kape 

me  dom  legs  from  runnin'  away  wid  me. — Pat. 


20  LACONICS 


Bread. — Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 

said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for 
bread. — Poetry. 

Here  mouths  without  bread,  there  bread  without 

mouths. 

The  less  beer  the  more  bread. 
"Jim    Hill   is   a    robber,"   said    the    Governor   of 

Minnesota.     "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens 

of  thousands,  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to 

pull  down  the  bakery,"  said  Hill. 

Breeches.     When  the  wife  wears  the  breeches,  let 

the  husband  wear  petticoats. 
Without  a  pair  of  breeches  what  is  man? 
Diogenes'  two-legged  animal  without  feathers. 
Any    man    is    liable    to    have    a    breech    in    his 

breeches. 

Breed — breeding — bred.     Breeding  in  and   in,  and 

out 

Will  breed  a  mongrel  without  doubt. 
Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as 

of  the  breed  of  dogs? 
Wisdom  and  virtue  are  the  gems,  good  breeding 

the  setting. 

She  would  breed  a  fever  in  the  blood  of  a  fish. 
We  are  all  of  the  same  breed — our  forefathers 

were  gorillas. 

Bridge.  Make  a  bridge  for  your  adversary  to  re- 
treat over. 

It  is  a  safe  bridge  that  falls  before  you  get  onto  it. 

If  you  burn  the  bridge  behind  you,  your  pursuers 
will  have  to  wait  or  wade. 

Be  sure  you  are  over  before  you  burn  the  bridge. 


LACONICS  21 


Broth.     Hell-broth,  hag-boiled. 

Cold  clam-juice  is  better  than  no  broth. 
He  put  poison  in  his  enemy's  broth,  and  drank  it 
himself. 

Brute.     The  further  back  we  trace  our  ancestors, 

the  nearer  we  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  who  is  cruel  to  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 
"Et    tu,    Brute!"    exclaimed    Caesar   when    Brutus, 
the  brute,  stabbed  him. 

The  following  is  not  mine.     It  was  written  by 
my  dear  friend,  Hon.  Henry  C.  Waite  (of  St.  Cloud, 
Minnesota),    and    ought    to    be    embalmed    and   pre- 
served : 
"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 

Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 
You'll  never  find  another  brute 
As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." 

Bud.  Many  a  budding  genius  is  nipped  in  the  bud. 
If  every  bud  blossomed  what  a  lot  of  spring  poets 

we  would  have! 
He  would  have  made  a  man,  but  he  was  blasted 

in  the  bud. 

Building.  Pride  builds  a  mansion  and  the  loan- 
man  lives  in  it. 

Don't  build  a  castle  till  you  can  pay  for  it,  and 
then  build  it  on  your  own  land. 

Build  for  your  own  eyes  and  not  for  the  eyes  of 
others. 

Don't  build  the  top  story  first. 

Bull  Run.  "Oi  wuz  in  the  battle  av  Bui  Run ;  Oi 
wuz  behint  at  the  Bui,  but  afore  at  the  Run,  Sor," 
said  Pat. 

Burden.  He  sighed  for  the  burden,  now  let  him 
carry  it. 


22  LACONICS 


A  man  without  a  burden  is  a  burden  to  himself. 
You  need  a  burden  for  ballast. 
A  ship  without  ballast  is  apt  to  "turn  turtle." 
Every  man's  burden  is  the  burden  he  needs. 
The  heaviest  burden  most  men  carry  is  their  own 

folly. 
We  can  carry  other  people's  burdens  better  than 

our  own. 
You  will  never  complain  of  your  burden  if  you 

like  it. 
Pad  your  shoulders  with  patience  and  you  will 

carry  your  burden  easier. 
Show  me  the  boy  that  shirks  his  burden  and  I 

will  show  you  a  failure. 

Burglar.  Every  artizan  to  his  trade,  said  the  bur- 
glar. 

The  beggar  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 

The  man  who  leaves  his  safe  open  is  an  accom- 
plice of  the  burglar. 

Keep  your  money  in  the  bank  and  the  burglar 
won't  burgle  it. 

Burn.    It  is  better  to  turn  than  to  burn. 

If  you  haven't  any  wood  to  burn,  burn  chips. 
If  you  put  your  finger  in  the  fire,  don't  complain 
of  the  burn. 

Bush.     He  beats  the  bush  to  frighten  a  bogy. 
Some  men   are  eternally  beating  the  bush  after 

the  bird  has  "flied  away." 
Money  grows  on  bushes — in  "Green"-land. 

Business.     Know  your  own  business,  and  attend  to 

it. 

Be  busy  in  your  business. 
Let  your  principal  business  be  to  mind  your  own 

business. 


LACONICS  23 


When  every  one  minds  his  own  business,  busi- 
ness is  good. 

Mind  your  own  business  and  others  will  mind 
you. 

Men  make  business  and  business  makes  men. 

Don't  poke  your  nose  into  other  people's  busi- 
ness: poke  it  into  your  own. 

He  minds  everybody's  business  but  his  own. 

He  who  minds  other  people's  business  neglects 
his  own. 

But — butt.     Don't  butt  in  with  your  "buts." 
Cut  out  your  "buts"  and  butt  into  it. 
He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 

over  a   "but." 

Don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone  wall. 
He  fights  like  a  skunk — butt-end  first. 

Butterfly.     She  looks  like  a  buttered  butterfly. 

Buying.     Sellers  and  buyers  are  both  liars. 
Don't  buy  a  stray  pig  in  the  brush. 
Don't  buy  what  you  don't  need — it  is  dear  at  any 
price. 

Buzzard.     Follow  the  buzzards  and  you   will  find 
the  carrion. 

By-way.    He  is  on  the  by-way  to  ruin. 


Cackle.     She  cackles  before  she  lays  her  egg. 
She  is  always  cackling  and  never  lays  an  egg. 
It  is  a  sorry  roost  where  the  hen  crows  and  the 
cock  cackles. 


24  LACONICS 


Calf.     Veal  should  be  cheap ;  calves  are  plenty. 
He  worships  the  golden  calf — himself. 
He  bellows  like  a  bull-calf  at  the  butcher-block. 

Calm.  Better  a  tempest  now  and  then  than  per- 
petual calm. 

Better  a  little  breeze  than  a  dead  calm. 

He  is  a  good  pilot  in  a  calm  sea. 

In  prosperity,  calm;  in  adversity,  calm. 

A  good  pilot  in  a  tornado  may  carelessly  wreck 
his  craft  in  a  calm. 

Calumny.    He  that  escapes   the   tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  an  aught. — Poetry. 

Calumny  is  a  wasp-nest;  don't  punch  it. 

Camp — Camp-meeting.  It's  a  cold  ride  to  camp, 
Jim,  when  the  jug's  run  dry. — Bronco  Bill. 

They  orter  hold  culled  camp-meetin's  in  the 
winter  ter  warm  up  the  weather. — Bronco  BUI. 

Candor.     Candor  gives  wings  to  truth. 

Cannon.     He  fires  a  cannon  at  a  fly. 

Care.     Don't  cultivate  care ;  it  will  grow  without  it. 

Careful.     Be  kearful  when  you  tread  on   another 

man's   toes. 

Be  kearful  when  yer  kick  the  hind-eend  of  a 
mool. — Bronco  Bill. 

Careless.  He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will 
fail  in  great  ones. 

Cask.     Every  cask  has  a  bung-hole. 
Tap  his  cask  and  let  the  froth  out. 
A  rusty  cask  may  contain  good  wine. 
They  are  fast  turning  the  wine-casks  into  water- 
wagons. 


LACONICS  25 


You  may  fill  the  cask  at  the  bung-hole  and  let  it 
leak  out  at  the  spigot. 

Castle.     He  that   builds  castles  in  the   air   will   sel- 
dom build  one  on  land. 
A  man's  house  is  his  castle  if  it  's  only  a  wigwam. 

Cat.     Don't  mew  pussy  cat  to  me. 

Beware  of  a  black  cat  and  a  grey-eyed  woman. 
Better  live  with  a  yawling  cat  than  a  brawling 
woman. 

Caught.     He  set  a  trap  for  his  adversary  and  put 

his  own  foot  in  it. 

"OiVe  cotched  a  Tartar,"  yelled  Pat  from  the 
picket-line.  "Bring  him  in,"  replied  his  cap- 
tain. "Oi  can't,"  said  Pat.  "Then  come  in 
yourself,  Pat."  "But  the  dom  hathen  won't 
let  me,"  said  Pat.  This  is  the  origin  of  "Caught 
a  tartar." 

Cause.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to 
win. 

Caution.     Caution  may  be  carried  to  timidity. 
An  over  cautious  general  seldom  wins  a  battle. 
Caution  is  good  if  you  don't  take  too  big  a  dose 
of  it. 

Chaff.      Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 
Don't   spend   your   time   looking   for   a  grain   of 

wheat  in  a  stack  of  chaff. 

Out  of  a  bushel  of  chaff  one  little  grain  of  wheat ! 
The  popular  breeze  catches  the  chaff. 
Chaff  me  no  chaff:  I  am  hungry  for  bread. 
A  pint  of  wheat  will  feed   more  hens  than   ten 

sacks  of  chaff. 


26  LACONICS 


Chance.  He  who  invests  in  a  lottery  takes  a  slim 
chance  for  his  money. 

In  the  scheme  of  Nature  there  is  no  chance  for 
chance. 

In  the  sea  of  chance  one  fishes  for  cod  and 
catches  a  herring;  another  fishes  for  herring 
and  catches  a  devil-fish ;  another  fishes  for 
suckers  and  is  caught  on  his  own  hook. 

Don't  take  a  little  chance  without  a  big  chance. 

Chancery.     Chancery  is  the  court  of  chance. 
He  is  taking  a  chance  in  chancery. 
Don't  take  a  chance  in  chancery  if  you  can  help 

it;  it  costs  fifty  dollars  to  get  in,  and  all  you 

have  to  get  out. 

Change.     Change  is  the  order  of  the  universe. 
The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurrying  years 
Cry    from     the     silence  —  "Change  !  —  perpetual 

Change." 

The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 
Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self  same  tune 
Forever. — Change. 

Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 

And  temple  towers,  O  Babylon ! 

O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls, 

And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun. — Fame. 

"Can  the  Ethiopian  change  his  skin?" — he  can, 
with  a  paint-pot. 

Bet  your  small  change  and  hold  onto  the  eagle. 

Change  is  a  good  thing  in  your  pocket. 

The  main  difference  between  an  "old  fogy"  and  a 
mule  is  this — the  mule  can  change  his  mind, 
but  the  "old  fogy"  can't. 

A  sudden  change  of  climate  is  good  for  a  de- 
faulter. 


LACONICS  27 


Character.  Every  good  character  has  four  corner- 
stones: Truth,  Charity,  Self-denial,  Fortitude. 

We  build  our  own  characters.  From  the  same 
materials  one  man  builds  a  palace,  another  a 
prison. 

Our  reputation  is  what  people  say  of  us,  our 
character  is  what  we  are. 

If  character  be  rooted  in  truth,  the  flower  and 
fruit  thereof  will  be  beautiful. 

Character  may  make  a  reputation,  but  reputation 
don't  make  a  character. 

Charity.     Let  your  charity  begin  with  your  wife. 

Our  Christian  charity  has  broadened  into  a  crime. 

The  ultimate  result  of  modern  Christian  Charity 
continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world,  with  weak- 
lings, lunatics  and  criminals. 

"God  help  you"  is  cheap  charity. 

Most  men  are  charitable — to  themselves. 

It  is  a  sin  against  charity  to  give  to  every  beggar. 

Have  a  little  charity  for  the  sane,  the  industrious 
and  the  frugal. 

Charity  for  the  criminal  encourages  crime. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven ; 
For  charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 

Was  Charity — writ  in  the  sand. — Charity. 

Chase.     He  chases  three  hares  at  once — all  running 

in  different  directions. 
He  chased  a  phantom  all  his  life  and  never  caught 

it  till  the  Devil  caught  him. 
Chase  the  Devil  around  a  stump  and  he  will  catch 

you  by  your  coat-tail. 


28  LACONICS 


Chatter.     She  chatters  liks  a  bluejay  on  a  corn-crib. 
I  had  rather  listen  to  a  chatterer  than  a  flatterer. 
Chatter-boxes  hold  nothing  but  noise. 
Cheap.     What  seems  cheap  may  prove  dear. 
Nothing  is  cheap  that  you  do  not  need. 
A  bargain-counter  is  a  pick-pocket. 
Most  women  would  buy  butterflies  and  go  hungry 

if  somebody  said  they  were  cheap. 
Cheap  is  a  great  cheat. 
Cheap  is  a  dear  shop  to  trade  in. 
Cheerfulness.     'Tain't  easy  to  be  cherful  with  the 

toothache. — Bronco  Bill. 
Cheerfulness  is  the  child  of  good  health  and  good 

heart. 

He's  as  cheerful  as  a  corpse. 
Chickens.     Stray    chicks     come    home    with    few 

feathers. 

He  counts  his  chickens  as  soon  as  the  hen  cackles. 
Mrs.  Meloney's  spring-chicken  was  a  goose. 
She  is  just  featherin'  out,  but  she  cackles  like  an 

old  hen. 

"I'm  no  spring-chicken,"  said  the  "grass-widder." 
Child— children.     The  child  is  pleased  with  a  rattle, 

and  so  is  the  man. 
Little  children — little  babies ; 
Men  are  only  bigger  babies. 
Sweet  is  the  lute  to  him  who  hath  not  heard 
The  prattle  of  his  children  at  his  knees. — Men. 

Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as 
of  the  breed  of  dogs? 

Jack-rabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bob, 

An'  the  Niggers  an'  Chinee, 

An'  the  lazy,  lowsy  "Greasers,"  Bob, 

An',  by  Gosh,  why  shud'nt  we? — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  29 


Christianity — Christian.  In  some  things  the  teach- 
ings of  Christianity  conflict  with  the  laws  of 
Nature : 

Christianity  would  save  the  imbecile,  the  idiot, 
the  hopelessly  insane  and  the  criminal.  Nature 
decrees  the  survival  of  the  fittest. 

The  doctrines  of  Jesus  cannot  repeal  or  amend  the 
laws  of  Nature. 

The  ultimate  result  of  modern  Christian  Charity 
continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world  with  weak- 
lings, lunatics  and  criminals. 

Church.     The  modern  church    is  a  good  social  club. 
We  build  churches  to  honor  ourselves. 
The  choir  sing  psalms  to  praise  themselves. 
Most  preachers  preach  for  themselves. 
A  great  preacher  is  a  great  teacher. 
Jesus  was  a  great  teacher,  so  was  Confucius. 

Whenever  God  erects  a  house  of  prayer, 
The  Devil  always  builds  a  chapel  there ; 
And  'twill  be  found,  upon  examination, 
The  latter  has  the  largest  congregation. — De  Foe. 

Circle.     Eternity  is  a  circle  without  circumference. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  diameter  or  cir- 
cumference. 
He  talks  in  a  circle  and  never  reaches  the  end. 

Circumstances.     Napoleon  made  circumstances? 
Circumstances  made  and  unmade  Napoleon. 

Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. 
"I'm    broke,    pard :    I'm    the    victim    uf   circum- 
stances."    "But  yer  made  'em  yerself,  Jo." 

— Bronco  Bill 


30  LACONICS 


City.     In  the  city  we  long  for  the  country ;  in  the 

country  we  pine  for  the  city. 
The  devil  is  in  the  country ;  more's  the  pity, 
For  the  devil's  surely  in  the  city. 
Cain — the   slayer  of  his  brother — built  the  first 

city. 

Great  cities  are  hot-beds  of  crime  and  corruption. 
Great  cities  are  full  of  little  men. 
The  country  feeds  the  city — with  "garden-sass" 

and  greenhorns. 
Civility.     Nothing  costs  less  and  pays  better  than 

civility. 
Civility  costs  nothing  and  buys  much. 

Civilization.     What  is  civilization?    A  coat  of  var- 
nish on  the  hide  of  the  brute. 

Climax.     He  deals  in  superlatives  and  always  caps 
the  climax. 

Climb.     You   must   climb   as  you   crept — on   your 

hands  and  knees. 

The  higher  he  climbs  the  further  he  has  to  fall. 
The  higher  he  climbs  the  plainer  yer  kin  see  the 

bigest  part  uf  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

Clinch.     He  clinches  his  argument  with  his  fist. 

Cloak.     If  you   would  see  men  as  they  are,  look 

under  their  cloaks. 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 
Hypocrisy  always  wears  a  cloak. 
We  patch  the  cloak  of  truth  with  many  a  lie. 

Clothes.     An'  ez  fer  clo'es,  Mynherr,  he  chose 
A  cow-skin  fer  his  "kleid,"  Bob ; 
The  women  wore  knee-petticoats, 
An'  bare  skin  underside,  Bob. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  31 


A  tailor  can  make  a  coat,  but  only  God  can  make 

a  man  to  wear  it. 

Thar  goes  a  suit  uf  clo'es  walkin'  down  the  street. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Clouds.  There  will  be  some  cloudy  days.  Don't 
worry. 

If  there  were  no  clouds  we  would  tire  of  the  sun- 
shine. 

Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Coach.     In  a  coach  at  twenty ;  on  foot  at  forty. 
Coal.     Don't  waste  your  wind  blowing  cold  coals. 

Coat.     Have  your  coat  cut  according  to  your  pants. 
If  your  tongue  is  sour  coat  it  with  honey. 
Look  out  for  vice  in  a  swallow-tail  coat. 
He  wore  a  swaller-tail  coat  an'  tew  patches  under 
it.— Bronco  Bill. 

Cobbler.     He  gave  his  awl,  'twas  all  he  had  to  give. 
Better  be  a  good  cobbler  than  a  poor  lawyer. 

Cock — cock-sure.     It  is  a  poor  coop  where  the  cock 

cackles  and  the  hen  crows. 

He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts want  tenants. 

Cocoanut.  That  lawyer  has  no  Coke  in  his  cocoa- 
nut. 

College.     'Tain't  no  use  tu  send  a  brayin'  ass 

Tu  any  cullege-school, 
Fer  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows, 
Like  any  ether  fool. 

When  the  "Kid"  came  home  from  College  he  fired 
Latin   at   the   flock,    and    forte   dux  fel   Hat   in 
guttur. 


32  LACONICS 


Abraham  Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log 
cabin. 

Colt.     He  prances  like  a  colt  in  clover. 
Every  old  hoss  was  a  colt  once. 
Let  the   colt  prance — he'll  feel   the   straps  soon 

enough. 
That  colt  was  born  an  "old  hoss." 

Cold  water.     A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 

Combine.  Thar  ain't  no  show  fer  a  pore  mortal 
no  more :  the  doctors,  the  drugists,  the  sur- 
geons an'  the  undertakers  hev  all  combined,  an' 
the  preachers  hev  applied  tu  git  intu  the 
"Trust"— Bronco  Bill. 

Combustion.  He  is  in  a  chronic  state  of  spontane- 
ous combustion. 

Command.     Keep  cool  and  command. 

He  who  commands  himself  will  command  others. 

Common  law.     Common  law  is  common  sense. 

Common  sense.  The  most  uncommon  thing  is  com- 
mon sense. 

Wisdom  is  common  sense. 

Fill    the   basement   with    common    sense,   and   the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Communism.     Civilization    is    founded    upon    the 

right  of  the   individual   to   acquire   and   enjoy 

property. 

Communism  would  send  us  back  to  barbarism. 
Communism  prevails  in  the  lowest  barbarism — 

among  the  natives  of  the  Cannibal  Islands  and 

the  Hottentots  of  Africa. 
Communists  demand  the  equal  division  of  unequal 

earnings. 


LACONICS  33 


Communism  is  Socialism,  and  Socialism  leads  to 
Anarchy. 

Socialism  would  destroy  the  right  of  property,  the 
family  relations  and  the  aspirations  of  men. 

Socialism  would  pull  down  the  highest  to  the 
level  of  the  lowest. 

Men  are  not  created  equal  any  more  than  the 
beasts  of  the  field  or  the  trees  of  the  forest. 

The  survival  of  the  fittest  is  the  law  of  Nature 
and  will  prevail. 

Communism  destroys  ambition  and  without  am- 
bition man  becomes  a  brute. 

Company.     The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks 

worse  company. 

Better  alone  than  in  bad  company. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 
A  good  book  is  good  company. 
Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from 

the  company  they  keep. 

Compensation.     If  the  poor  man  sometimes  lacks  a 

dinner,   the   rich   man  often   lacks   a   stomach 

for  it. 
If  you  are  proud  of  your  acquirements  look  up  to 

those  above  you;  if  dissatisfied  with  your  lot, 

look  down  on  those  below  you. 
Nature  compensates ;  she  gives  every  man  his  due. 

Complaint.     When  we  stop  to  complain  fortune  for- 
sakes us. 
Complaint  cures  nothing. 

Conceal.     He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 

flattery. 

The  revealed  is  concealed  and  the  concealed  is 
revealed. 


34  LACONICS 


Conceit.     The  more  one  boasts  of  himself,  the  less 

others  boast  of  him. 

Self-conceit  is  a  cheat,  but  it  always  cheats  itself. 
Self-conceit  is  first  cousin  to  a  fool. 
Self-conceit  is  nursed  in  small  brains. 

Concentrate.     Concentrate  on  one  thing  at  a  time. 

Concentration  is  power. 

Condemn.     The  vicious  are  swift  to  condemn  the 
faults  of  others. 

Hear  before  you  condemn. 

Every  tale  an'  true  his-story 

Alus  hez  tew  sides  ontu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Confessor.     We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but 
not  to  ourselves. 

Confession.     He  is  a  wise  man  who  confesses  to 
himself  and  makes  amends. 

Confident.     It  is  well  to  be  confident,  best  to  be 
sure. 

Conflict.     There   is   an   "irrepressible  conflict"   be- 
tween science  and  superstition. 

Conjecture.     Feed  me  not  on  conjecture;  give  me  a 
spoonful  of  fact. 

Conquer — conqueror.     If  your  enemy  is  noble,  con- 
quer by  kindness;  if  brutal,  by  force. 
The  wise  conqueror  shields  the  conquered. 
To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 

Conscience.     Conscience  is  a  constant  witness,  but 

rarely  comes  into  court. 
Most  men  fit  their  conscience  to  their  acts. 

Consistency.     It   is   better   to   be   right   than   con- 
sistent. 
He  was  born  an  ass,  and  continues  consistent. 


LACONICS  35 


Constancy.     Constancy  in  the  right  is  one  of  the 
cardinal  virtues. 

Content.     When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we 

are  content  with  our  neighbors. 
Ef  yer  ain't  content  with  biled  beans  an'  bacon, 
yer  wudn't  be  content  with  fried  fish  an'  "flap- 
jacks."— Bronco  Bill. 

Contentment.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant 

hills, 

While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 
O  man,  thy  wisdom  is  but  folly  still ; 
Wiser  the  brute  and  full  of  sweet  content. — Men. 

Contentment  is  the  philosopher's  stone  that  turns 
all  it  touches  to  gold. 

Ah,  sweet  content  the  blessing  of  the  blest, 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table,  east  or  west, 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Contentment  is  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 

Contrast.      We  judge  by  contrast:  all  things  go  by 
pairs. 

Conversation.     Say  the  right  thing  at  the  right  time. 
If  you  would  be  a  good  conversationalist,  be  a 

good  listener. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 

Conversion.     Sudden  conversions  are  shams. 

Coquette.     A  coquette  is  a  woman  without  heart 
who  makes  fools  of  men  without  brains. 

Cork.     He  wuz  frum  Cork,  an'  we  cudn't  cork  'im 
up. — Bronco  Bill. 

Corn.     Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 


36  LACONICS 


The  farmer  grows  corn  on  his  field;   the  dude 

grows  corn  on  his  toe. 
"How's  the  corn-crop?"  asked  Bronco  Bill  of  a 

corn-doctor. 

Corporation.  It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great 
corporations.  Civilization  and  the  welfare  of 
man  demand  them.  They  have  come  to  stay. 
The  state  is  a  great  corporation ;  we  are  all  stock- 
holders in  it;  but  we  better  "look  a  little  out" 
or  the  directors  will  get  away  with  the  divi- 
dends. 

Counsel — counsellor.     Take  counsel  of  the  night. 
If  you  counsel  others  follow  it  yourself. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counsellor. 

Don't  give  counsel  to  a  fool — he  knows  more  than 
you  do. 

Count.     Counts  don't  count  in  America. 

Counts   are   of   little   account,   and   most  of   the 

barons  are  barren. 
When  you  are  angry,  count  sixty  and  hold  your 

tongue. 

Country.     The  large  city  is  the  maelstrom  of  vice 

into  which  the  country  pours  its  youth. 
The  country  feeds  the  city — with  "garden-sass" 
and  greenhorns. 

Courage.     The  brave  man  is  never  a  blusterer. 
Men  admire  courage  and  despise  a  coward. 
Courage  and  caution  win  the  battle. 
Courage   is   a   better   man   with   his   fist   than   a 

coward  with  a  cudgel. 
Fortify  courage  with  patience. 
The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 


LACONICS  37 


Cousin.     A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 

Courts  of  justice.  I  know  a  little  squint-eyed  judge 
just  big  enough  to  wiggle  on  the  bench. 

How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss ! 

The  brass-band  demagogue  advises  "the  dear 
people"  to  appeal  from  the  courts  to  the  mob. 

Cover.     Truth  drives  the  liar  under  cover. 

When  it  rains,  split  shakes  are  better  than  no 
cover. 

Coward.  None  but  a  coward  kicks  a  man  that  is 
down. 

To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 

Fate  likes  to  stab  a  coward  in  the  back. 

A  tyrant  is  always  a  coward. 

A  coward  has  the  courage  of  a  rat :  a  rat  will  fight 
when  driven  into  a  corner. 

Fortune  hates  a  coward. 

Cowards  invite  defeat,  the  brave  command  vic- 
tory. 

Crab — crab-tree.     The  timid  man  walks  backward 

like  a  crab. 
THe  crab-tree  may  bear  pippins  if  well  grafted. 

Craft.     Craft  and  cruelty  are  twins. 
Craft  often  puts  his  own  foot  in  it. 

Crank.  Full  of  isms  and  schisms,  he  has  humors 
in  his  blood  and  tumors  in  his  brain. 

Creation.  In  the  perfect  circle  of  creation  not  an 
atom  is  lost. 

Credulity — credulous.     Credulity  is  as  natural  to  a 

fool  as  milk  to  a  calf. 
Promises  are  pitfalls  to  the  credulous. 

Creed.     I  believe  in  the  creed  of  Nature. 


38  LACONICS 


Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
Aye,  all  the  creeds  of  politics  or  priests 
Can't  make  one  error  truth,  one  truth  a  lie. 

Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  men, 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  eternal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

— Men. 
Men  fit  their  creeds  to  their  interests. 

Creep.     Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
Cowards  creep — men  walk  upright. 
You  must  creep  till  you  can  walk. 

Crime.     Crime  begets  crime,  as  good  begets  good. 
Fear  is  the  constant  shadow  of  crime. 
For  the  same  crime  one  man  goes  to  the  gallows, 

another  to  a  throne. 
Vice  leads  to  crime,  yet  we  wink  at  vice  and  abhor 

crime. 

He  that  defends  a  crime  commits  a  crime. 
Punish  crime  to  protect  the  innocent. 

Criticism — critics.  He  who  looks  only  for  faults 
will  never  find  beauty  in  anything. 

Critics  are  cleaners  of  other  men's  clothes. 

Critics  are  divided  into  bees  and  spiders:  where 
the  bee  finds  honey,  the  spider  gathers  venom. 

Fair  criticism  is  like  a  fanning  mill  that  separates 
the  wheat  from  the  chaff. 

Average  literary  criticism   is  like   stale  beer. 

Every  slop-wash  on  a  newspaper  considers  him- 
self a  critic. 

A  critic  is  a  literary  detective. 

"You  know  who  the  critics  are?  The  men  who 
have  failed  in  literature  and  art." — Benjamin 
Disraeli. 


LACONICS  39 


Crisis.      "What  will  we  fire  at?"  asked  the  sergeant. 
"Didn't  you  har  Gunnel  say  that  the  Crisis  hez 
cum?    Fire  at  the  Crisis!"    Capt.  Bragg  at  the 
battle  of  Buena  Vista. — Bronco  Bill. 

"Hev  we  com  tu  the  cry,  Sis?"  said  the  cow-boy 
to  his  half-breed  sweetheart. 

Cross.     He's  hankerin'  for  a  "Cross  of  Gold"  and 
would  wear  a  "Crown  of  Thorns"  to  get  it. 

Crowd.     If  you  are  in  the  crowd,  crowd  ahead. 
Don't  wear  corns  in  a  crowd. 

Cruelty.     Cruelty  is  born  of  cowardice. 

He  who  is  cruel  to  dumb  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 
The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 
Human  kindness  is  sometimes  cruelty. 

Culture — cultivation.     Culture  is  to  the  man  what 
cultivation  and  pruning  are  to  the  vine. 

Cunning.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats 

the  bread. 

The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools, 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  cunning  man  always  gets  cheated. 
Cunning  sets  a  trap  for  others,  and  puts  his  own 
foot  in  it. 

Cup.     He  quaffs  the  cup  of  bitterness  and  smiles. 
Yer  can't  git  tew  drinks  out  uf  an  empty  cup. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Cur.    To  a  yelping  cur  a  bone  or  a  bat. 
A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 
Be  a  mastiff  if  you  will — a  cur — never. 
When  the  old  clog  barks  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 


40  LACONICS 


Cure.     Complaint  cures  nothing. 

There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
When  nature  cures  the  doctor  sends  in  his  bill. 
One  doctor  may  cure — three  kill. 

Curses.     Curses,  like  chickens,  come  home  to  roost. 

Custom.     We  march  to  the  music  of  the  times. 
All  men  are  slaves ;  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  glimmering  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Custom  rules  men ;  fashion,  women. 
Custom  is  a  tyrant. 

I  notice,  Jim,  thet  in  polytics  an'  religin  it's  gittin' 
tu  be  the  custom  tu  cuss. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cycle.     All  things  move  in  cycles. 

Cypher.     In   the    column    of   units   most    men   are 

cyphers. 

It  takes  more  than  a  million  cyphers  to  make  one 
unit. 


Dainties.     Unbought  dainties  are  the  best. 

Dally.     Don't  dally  with  danger. 

His  name  wuz  Dally,  but  he  didn't  dally  when  the 
dinner-bell  rung. — Bronco  Bill. 

Danger.     Meet  unavoidable  danger  half-way. 
Take  danger  by  the  horns. 
In  danger,  valor ;  in  peace,  charity. 
Fear  danger  afar  off ;  when  it  approaches,  face  it. 
In  dodging  one  danger  don't  run  into  another. 
In  safety  beware  of  danger. 
When  the  danger  is  past  the  praying  is  over. 


LACONICS  41 


Fear  doubles  the  danger. 
Don't  dally  with  danger. 

Dark.     Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

If  you  are  in  the  dark,  hark. 

Day — to-day.  To-day  is  ours ;  to-morrow  ? — to-mor- 
row?— there  is  no  to-morrow. 

"I  have  lost  a  day,"  mourned  a  great  Roman : 

Most  of  us  lose  half  our  days. 

Every  day  in  your  life  is  worth  saving. 

He  spends  his  money  to-day  and  makes  it  to- 
morrow. 

Dead.     He  that  waits  for  dead  men's  shoes  will 

have  cold  feet. 

Don't  embalm  a  dead  jackass. 
Pity  not  the  dead,  but  the  living. 
I  think  he  is  dead,  said  the  doctor;  I'll  cut  him 

open  and  find  out. 
"Whin   Oi'm   dead,"   said   Mike,   "I  don't   want  te 

be  buried  alive." 

Death.     We  know  not  what  life  is;  how  may  we 

know 
Death — what  it  is,  or  what  may  lie  beyond? 

And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below? 
Aye,  is  death  death? — or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light — on  angel  wings  to  range, 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we 
know. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Matter  to  matter,  mind  to  mind  returns. 


42  LACONICS 


Death  passes  the  brave  and  catches  the  coward. 
This  king  of  terrors  is  the  prince  of  peace. 

— Young — Night  Thoughts. 

Debt.     The  highest  price  you  pay  for  anything  is 

to  run  in  debt  for  it. 

If  you  are  in  debt  you  don't  need  an  alarm  clock. 
If  you  would  sleep  sound  keep  out  of  debt. 
Pay  your  debts  first  and  give  presents  afterwards. 
Pay  the  debt  uf  Natur?  I  don't  owe  Natur  nothin', 

she  never  clone  nothin'  fer  me. — Bronco  Bill. 
Deceit.     I  had  rather  be  cheated  now  and  then,  than 

to  believe  all  men  rascals. 
He  who  begins  by  deceiving  others  will  end  in 

deceiving  himself. 
If  one  attempts  to  deceive  you  let  him  believe  you 

are  deceived. 

Who  deceives  others  deceives  himself. 
Deception  deals  in  generalities. 
Deceit  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 
Little  minds  deal  in  deceit. 

Decency.     Virtue  and  decency  are  close  kin. 
Deception.     We  deceive  ourselves  oftener  than  we 

deceive  others. 

If  you  deceive  others  you  will  deceive  yourself. 
Self-deception  is  a  pit-fall  dug  by  yourself. 
Decimals.     It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to 
make  one  unit. 

Decision.     The  man  who  does  not  learn  to  say  "No" 

will  be  a  Nobody. 
It  is  easier  to  say  "No"  than  to  say  "Yes"  and 

suffer  for  it. 

When  you  are  in  doubt  it  is  safe  to  refuse. 
Take  pride  in  saying  "No"  when  you  ought  to 

say  it. 


LACONICS  43 


Don't  sit  a-straddle  the  fence — decide. 
In  a  doubtful  case  defer  decision. 

Deeds.     I  care  little  for  words :  show  me  his  deeds. 
One  good  deed  is  a  stepping-stone  to  another. 
What  we  have  done  makes  us  what  we  are. 
Great  deeds  are  the  stepping-stones  to  fame. 
Good  deeds  are  good  seeds. 

Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue,  never. 
Words  are  cheap;  deeds  are  dear. 
A  bad  deed  is  seed  sown  for  bad  weeds. 
Virtue  without  deed  is  gone  to  seed. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  many. 
A  man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 

Deep.     He  dives  deep  and  brings  up  mud. 

His  reasoning  is  so  deep  that  he  can't  fathom  it 
himself. 

Defeat.     In  every  great   cause   defeat  is  the   first 
step  on  the  road  to  victory. 

Grim  in  disaster,  bravest  in  defeat. — Pauline. 

To  a  brave  man  defeat  is  the  first  step  to  victory. 

Defense — defend — defender.     He  that  defends   his 

own  rights  defends  mine. 
Defend  what  you  have  fairly  won. 
If  your  enemy  "smite  you  on  one  cheek,"  turn 

the  other  and — defend  it. 

Defects.     All  great  men  have  defects;  you  have  a 
few  yourself. 

Delay.     To-morrow  is  the  first  day  in  the  fool's  cal- 
endar. 

While  you  delay  the  opportunity  slips. 
To  delay  is  to  forget. 


44  LACONICS 


Delay  is  dangerous — with  a  pack  of  wolves  in 

the  rear. 

If  you  are  angry — delay. 
If  you  are  in  serious  doubt — delay. 
The  cat  caught  the  rat  by  delay. 

Deliberation.     Consider  deliberately;  act  promptly. 
Deliberate  promptly  when  occasion  is  urgent. 
Deliberate — deliberate  ! — he  was  always  deliberat- 
ing and  never  did  anything  else. 

Delusion.     The  phantom  Delusion  flits  ever  before 

us  and  beckons  us  on. 
When  a  little  man  gets  a  delusion  he  hangs  to  it 

like  a  dog  to  a  bone. 
Fools  feed  on  delusions,  wise  men  on  facts. 

Demagogue.     In  a  republic  demagogues  spring  up 

like  toadstools. 
The  prime  object  of  the  demagogue  is  to  gain 

the  applause  of  the  mob ;  and  he  will  fit  his  own 

conscience  to  the  applause. 
The  demagogue  is  always  with  us. 

Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd; 
With  brazen  faces  full  of  empty  noise 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 

Demand.     Yield  to  the  demand  of  your  own  con- 
science. 

He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 
Every  hour  makes  a  demand  on  us. 

Democracy.     In  a  democracy,  as  in  a  caldron,  the 

scum  rises  to  the  top. 

In  all  history  Democracy  has  proved  a  tyrant. 
The  mob  is  a  many  headed  brute. 
Democracy  is  a  failure — the  masses  must  be  led 
and  controlled  by  strong  and  wise  leaders. 


LACONICS  45 


It  is  as  natural  for  men  to  follow  a  leader  as  it  is 
for  sheep  to  follow  a  bell-wether. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

— Men. 

Desert.     Even  in  the  desert  of  Sahara  there  are 

wells  and  garden-spots. 

There  is  water  in  "Death  Valley"  if  you  dig  for  it. 
Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 

And  temple-towers,  O  Babylon ; 
O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls 

And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun. — Fame. 

Desire.     That  which  is  manifestly  beyond  our  reach 

is  beyond  our  desire. 
Man  often  desires  that  which  he  ought  to  dread, 

and  dreads  that  which  he  ought  to  desire. 
Our  ardent  desires  spring  from  our  passions. 
We  easily  imagine  what  we  earnestly  desire. 
Despair.     Despair  comes  to  the  coward,  never  to 
the  brave. 

Come  foul  or  fair,  come  trouble  and  care, 
No — never  a  sigh  or  a  thought  of  despair. 

— Chickadee. 

Despise.     If    you    despise    your    neighbors,    your 

neighbors  will  despise  you. 

If  we  despise  the  world,  the  world  will  despise  us. 
Despise  not  trifles;   there  are  no  trifles  in  this 

world. 

Despotism.     The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  the 

worst  of  despotism. 

There  is   no   despotism   like  that  of  the   many- 
headed  monster — the  mob. 

Detraction.     Detraction    crushes    the    weak,    but 
strengthens  the  brave. 


46  LACONICS 


Devil.     The  devil  is  always  in  a  hurry. 
There  is  a  devil  in  every  kernel  of  corn. 
There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 
Give  the  devil  his  due  and  he'll  get  you. 

"The  devil  be  damned,"  is  what  we  preach,  you 

know  it — 

At  mass  and  vespers,  holy-bread  and  dinner ; 
From  priest  to  pope,  from  pedagogue  to  poet, 
We  sanctify  the  sin  and  damn  the  sinner. 

— The  Demi  and  the  Monk. 

"He's  ez  bad  ez  the  divil  made  'im,  an'  a  dom  sight 
bether,"  said  Pat. 

When  the  devil  is  taking  a  nap,  go  softly. 

If  the  devil  were  dead  who  would  feed  the  priest? 

The  devil  is  dead,  but  the  poor  still  pay  Peter- 
pence. 

The  devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world ;  his  other 
name  is  Ignorance. 

Don't  dam  the  devil,  Jim:  ef  thar  war  no  devil 
thar  wudn't  be  no  religin  an'  no  priests. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

"Where  are  ye  goin',  Pat?" 

Pat :  "Me  boy  Tim  hez  rooned  away  and  gone  to 
the  divil,  an  Oi'm  follyin'  afther  'im." 

Diamond.     He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in 

vain 
Who    hath    no    dust    of    diamonds    in    his    brain. 

Truth  sparkles  in  his  song  and  like  a  diamond 
gleams. 

— Poetry. 

He  polishes  a  pebble  and  imagines  it  a  diamond. 
Diamonds  are  only  stones;  'tis  the  glitter  we  prize. 

Dice.     Don't  shake  dice  with  the  devil. 


LACONICS  47 


Diet.     To  a  hungry  man  a  fish  is  as  good  as  a  fowl. 
Don't  let  the  doctor  diet  you  into  the  dump-hole. 
What  is  good  for  the  stomach  is  good  for  the 
liver. 

Dictator.     In    times    of    anarchy    a    dictator    is    a 

savior. 
Nature  is  the  dictator  and  we  have  to  "fall  in." 

Difficulty.     Difficulties  are  spurs  to  a  brave  soul. 
Difficulties  surmounted  become  pleasures. 
Difficulties  surmounted  prove  the  man. 

Diffidence.     Be  modest,  but  don't  be  diffident. 
Self-respect  and  self-reliance  are  cardinal  virtues. 

Diligence — diligent.     If  the  weaver  is  diligent  For- 
tune will  furnish  the  thread. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  doing  nothing. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  a  bad  cause. 
Be  diligent  in  good  works  and  others  will  help  you. 

Dime.     A  dime  saved  is  a  dollar  earned. 

Ten  cents  make  a  dime — ten  dimes  make  a  dol- 
lar— put  the  dollar  in  the  Savings  Bank. 

Dinner.     The  best  hour  for  dinner  is  when  you  are 

hungry. 
He  lived  on  faith  and  dined  on  moonshine. 

Dirt — dirty.     He  that  flings  dirt  fouls  his  own  face. 
He  is  a  dirty  dog  that  slanders  a  woman. 
Send  your  dirty  shirt  to  the  wash-tub. 
He  wuz  a  great  polytician;  he  cud  eat  a  peck  uf 

puddin'  with  his  friends  an'  a  peck  uf  dirt  with 

his  enemies. — Bronco  Bill. 

Disappointment.     Our    lost    hopes    are    stepping- 
stones  to  peace, 


48  LACONICS 


Disappointment  is  the  lot  of  every  one, — try  it 

again. 

Disappointment  weakens  the  weak,   and  braces 

the  brave. 

Discontent.     God  never  intended  men  to  be  con- 
tent; discontent  spurs  us  forward. 
The  improvements   of   man  are   caused   by  dis- 
content. 

Discretion — discrete.     Discretion  is  a  safe  guide. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  an  ass  without  a  bridle. 
A  discrete  man  says  less  than  he  knows. 
A  discrete  woman  wears  cotton  in  her  ears. 

Disease.     Vanity  is  a  disease — often  hereditary. 

Disgrace.     The  fear  of  disgrace,  more  than  the  love 
of  virtue,  deters  men  and  women  from  vice. 

Dishonesty.     The  apparent  success  of  the  dishonest 
is  a  temptation  to  fools. 

Disparagement.     He    who    disparages    himself    to 
others  expects  praise. 

Dispraise.     The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

Dispute.     In  a  hot  dispute  he  argues  best  who  says 

the  least. 
Distance.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 

While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet.  Men. 

Distant  danger  is  too  often  despised. 

Distrust.     To  think  and  feel  we  are  able  is  usually 

to  be  able. 

Don't  distrust  yourself. 
Distrust  the  "sweet  oil"  fellow,  and  the  woman 

with  virtue  on  her  tongue. 

Do.      Do  it  yourself. 


LACONICS  49 


Do  something.     Make  at  least  an  ear  of  corn  grow 

where  none  grew  before. 
Do  and  it  will  soon  be  done. 
Do  something  worth  doing. 

Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing 
well. — Chesterfield. 

Doctor.     If  you  send  for  a  doctor  you  will  be  ill ; 

If  you  send  for  two,  better  make  your  will. 

Keep  your  heart  warm,  your  head  cool,  and  defy 
the  doctors. 

"I  am  waiting  for  a  patient  like  Patience  on  a 
monument,"  said  a  young  doctor  to  his  Irish 
servant. 

"An'  whin  ye  gits  'im,"  said  Pat,  "it  won't  be 
long  afore  the  monument  be  on  the  patient." 

Death  is  the  only  doctor  that  cures  all. 

Nature  cures  the  disease  and  the  doctor  sends  in 
his  bill. 

The  doctor's  bills  are  as  bad  as  his  pills. 

"Plaze  give  me  a  dose  av  yer  midicin,  dochter." 
."What  kind,  Pat?"  "Ony  kind  ye  carry,  doch- 
ter." "What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Pat?" 
"Oi'm  weary  o'  fightin'  wid  Biddy,  Sor,  an'  Oi'm 
dyin'  te  be  kilt." 

Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 
doctor,  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 

The  doctor  cured  the  disease  by  killing  the  pa- 
tient. 

Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 
dead. 

"I  have  a  dangerous  case,"  said  the  doctor.  "Sure 
ye  hev  thot,  dochter,  an'  it's  yer  midicin-case," 
said  Mrs.  Maloney. 

"What  is  your  practice?"  asked  a  young  doctor 


50  LACONICS 


of  an  old  one.    "I  practice  on  my  patients,"  re- 
plied the  honest  old  doctor. 

"Doctor,  I  have  a  sore  toe."  "Sure  sign  of  appen- 
dicitis, sir:  I  will  call  in  a  surgeon." — (his  silent 
partner.) 

Dog.     Don't  kick  a  mad  dog. 

Let  a  barking  dog  sleep  on  the  back  porch. 

If  you  must  be  a  dog,  be  a  bull-dog. 

When  the  dogs  bark  hold  your  tongue. 

Poor  people  keep  dogs  to  eat  the  bread  of  their 

children. 
"I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe,"  said  a 

Scotchman,  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his  tail  and 

growled. 

A  barking  dog  scares  the  game. 
Every  dog  needs  a  master. 
A  dog  at  his  bone,  let  him  alone. 
When  an  old  dog  growls,  beware. 
When  the  old  dog  barks  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 
"Cavey,  cane  'em,"  yelled  the  "Soph,"   when  the 

dogs  barked  at  the  Latin  professor. 
("Cazre  canem" — beware  of  the  dog.) 

Dog-fight.     It's  a  dog-fight:  I  bet  on  the  bull-dog. 
It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dollar.     Better  a  dollar  to-day  than  a  promise  of 

two  to-morrow. 
We  still  worship  an  idol — "the  Almighty  Dollar." 

Done.     Nothing  is  done  until  it  is  finished. 
Wliat  is  done  is  done  and  be  done  with  it. 
Better  be  done  right  than  be  half-done  in  a  hurry. 
What  is  not  well  done  is  not  done  at  all. 

Door.     A  wasteful  cook  will  throw  food  out  of  the 


LACONICS  51 


back  door  as  fast  as  you  can  bring  it  in  at  the 
front. 

Don't  open  the  door  of  your  heart  to  everybody. 

When  suspicion  creeps  in  at  the  back  door  con- 
fidence walks  out  at  the  front. 

Doubt.     Doubt  is  the  mother  of  truth. 
In  doubt,  delay. 

Some  people  are  always  in  doubt  and  never  get 
out. 

Down.  Lie  down  and  the  world  will  walk  over 
you. 

It  is  easier  to  get  down  than  to  get  up. 

Only  a  coward  will  kick  a  man  who  is  down. 

The  man  who  goes  down  and  rises  again  is  made 
of  good  stuff. 

Three  times  down  an'  three  times  up : 

Yer  better  tackle  sum  ether  pup. — Bronco  Bill. 

If  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down- 
hill we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Doxy.     Keep  your  "doxy ;"  I  have  a  "doxy"  of  my 

own. 

Every  preacher  hez  his  own  "doxy,"  an'  some 
on  'em  hez  three  er  four. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dream.    Oh  let  me  dream  the  dreams  of  long  ago. 
And  still  a  phantom  haunted  all  my  dreams, 
Awake  or  sleeping,  for  awake  I  dreamed. 

I  dreamed  a  dream,  and  in  my  dreams  I  dreamed 
That  all  my  dreams  are  dreams — mere  idle  dreams. 

Dreamed! — O  my  soul,  and  was  it  all  dream? 

Dreams  will  do  for  a  midnight  "lunch,"  but  give 
me  eggs  on  toast  for  breakfast. 

Dregs.  As  with  poor  wine  so  with  the  populace — 
agitation  brings  the  dregs  to  the  top. 


52  LACONICS 


Dress.     The  Hottentot  is  in  full  dress — Nature  was 

his  tailor. 

A  dress-suit  on  a  donkey. 
Jist  think  of  that ! — a  stove-pipe  hat, 
Ez  slick  ez  greased  with  lard,  Bob ; 
Kid  gloves,  silk  tie,  and  sich  ez  that 
Stuck  onter  our  ole  pard,  Bob. — Bronco  Bill. 

If  it  were  fashionable  to  go  naked  women  would 

appear  in  public  in  the  full-dress  of  Nature. 
He  wore  a  sweller-tail  coat  an  tew  patches  under 

it.— Bronco  Bill. 
Drift.    It  is  easier  to  drift  than  to  stem  the  current. 

Politicians  are  mostly  drift-wood. 
Drone.     We  work  one  day  for  ourselves  and  two 

for  the  drones. 

Drive  the  drones  out  of  the  hive. 
Drunkenness — drunkard.      Fools   marry   drunkards 

to  reform  them. 

A  man  can  get  drunk  on  vanity. 
Most  men  get  drunk  on  success. 
Dude.     When  the  dude  came  home  from  Harvard 
it  rained  Latin,  and  Forte  dux  fel  Hat  in  guttur. 
Dudes  will  dawdle  and  girls  will  giggle. 
He's  a  young  dude — a  dandy  in  diapers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Dupe.    A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by 

a  woman. 

He  is  duped  by  himself. 
Duplicity.     No  man  can  stay  long  on  both  sides  of 

the  fence. 

Ole  pard  Teddy,  don't  f ergit  it ; 
An'  don't  yer  take  the  chance. 
Carry  worter  on  both  shoulders, 
An'  yer  bound  ter  wet  yer  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  53 


Duty.      Daily   duties   are   as   wholesome   as   daily 

bread. 

There  is  no  path  of  safety  but  the  path  of  duty. 
There  is  strength  in  every  duty  done. 
Duty  and  happiness  are  linked  together. 
Do  the  duty  which  lies  nearest. 
On  the  rock  of  duty  stand  steadfast. 

In  dreary  camp,  on  weary  tramp, 
With  "forty  rounds"  and  blistered  feet, 
Through  thicket,  flood  and  fever-fen, 
On  picket  in  the  rain  and  sleet, 
In  bloody  fight,  in  sore  defeat, 
You  did  your  duty : — ye  were  men. — Message,  etc. 
He  wuz  allus  ready  tu  du  his  duty  when  he  cudn't 
shirk  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

E 

Ear.    All  ears  and  eyes  and  no  tongue. 
She  cocks  her  ears  for  scandal. 
Against  gossip  stuff  your  ears. 

Early  rising.    Better  to  rise  late  and  be  wide  awake, 

than  to  rise  early  and  be  half  asleep. 
'The   early   bird   catches   the   worm,"   but   it's   the 
early  worm  that's  caught. 

Earth.    The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 
An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, 
Yea,  myriad  millions :  what  are  we  ? — Fame. 
Let  us  possess  the  earth  before  we  reach  out  for 

the  stars. 

We  draw  our  mother-milk  from  Mother  Earth. 
The  Earth  is  the  mother  of  us  all : 
We  are  born  from  her  womb,  and  sleep  in  her 

bosom. 


54  LACONICS 


Easy.    An  easy  trot  goes  far  in  a  day. 
You  can't  be  easy  doing  nothing. 

Eating.    You  can  reach  most  men's  hearts  through 

their  stomachs. 
The  poor  man  toils  to  get  food  for  his  stomach; 

the  rich  man  to  get  a  stomach  for  his  food. 
A  good  eater,  a  good  worker. 
Don't  eat  your  own  heart — try  a  hen's  gizzard. 

Eccentricity.     Eccentricity  in  dress  or  manners  is 

vanity  or  insanity. 
A  monkey's  tail  is  no  prettier  for  being  painted 

red. 

Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 
Genius  and  eccentricity  are  not  twins. 
He  wuz  an  eccentric  "cuss" ;  he  writ  poetry  an' 

wore  long  hair  an'  kid  gloves,  an'  tew  patches 

on  the  seat  uf  his  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Echo.    His  grandfather  was  a  great  man ;  he  is  only 

an  echo  of  an  echo. 
She  warbles  to  the  echo — her  only  applause. 

Ebb.     Every  flow  has  an  ebb. 

When  the  tide  is  in  catch  fish,  when  it  ebbs  dig 
clams. 

Economy.    If  your  out-go  exceeds  your  income,  you 

will  soon  touch  bottom. 
Economy  and  industry  turn  iron  into  gold. 
Economy    and    industry    are    the    philosopher's 

stone. 

Education.      Our   education   begins   when   we   are 

born  and  ends  when  we  do. 
Education  is  our  only  salvation. 
Study  Nature  and  get  educated. 
No  man  ever  finished  his  education. 


LACONICS  55 


Observation  and  experience  are  the  best  edu- 
cators. 

Let  mental  and  physical  training  keep  even  pace. 

Don't  stuff  your  mind ;  pack  it  carefully. 

Fill  the  bag  with  wheat  and  there  will  be  no  room 
for  tares. 

Abraham  Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log 
cabin. 

Just-out-of-college — "I  have  finished  my  educa- 
tion." Young  man,  you  have  finished  before 
you  begun. 

True  education  should  teach  the  useful  and  the 
good. 

Eel.  You  have  an  eel  by  the  tail ;  hold  him  if  you 
can. 

Effect.    He  doctors  the  symptoms,  not  the  disease. 
Few  reason  from  effect  to  cause,  or  from  cause 
to  effect. 

Effort.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the 

heart ; 

What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 
Nothing  done  without  effort. 
Let  your  efforts  be  directed  by  reason. 
Effort  will  not  turn  a  donkey  into  a  race-horse 

or  a  mud-hen  into  an  eagle. 
Mis-directed  effort  is  time  and  money  wasted. 

Eggs.  "They  are  egging  him  on,"  said  a  wag,  when 
they  rotten-egged  a  stump-speaker. 

Don't  sit  on  stale  eggs, — let  the  old  hen  do  that. 

It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 

He  wuz  allus  lookin'  fer  aigs  in  last-year's  bird- 
nests. — Bronco  Bill. 

Said  Pat  to  Mike  at  a  lunch-counter :  "Thim  dom 
biled  eggs  hez  checkins  in  'em." 


56  LACONICS 


"Spake  aisy,  Pat/'  said  Mike,  "er  they'll  charge 
ye  extra  fer  the  checkins." 

Egotism.     Egotism  is  near-sighted. 
Self-praise  stinks  in  the  mouth. 
Let  thy  deeds,  and  not  thy  tongue,  praise  thee. 
Better  overrate  than  underrate   your  own   worth. 
Why  shouldn't  a  man  admire  himself?  he  is  "the 

noblest  work  of  God." 

Don't  imagine  yourself  the  center  of  gravity. 
He  is  so  ful  uf  himself  thet  he  hain't  got  no  room 

fer  common  sense. — Bronco  Bill. 
Eloquence.    True  eloquence  consists  in  saying  the 
right  thing  in  the  right  way,  at  the  right  time 
and  the  right  place. 

When  the  heart  speaks  the  tongue  is  eloquent. 
Truth  is  always  eloquent. 
Emancipation.    The  will  was  the  will  of  God,  the 

hand  was  the  hand  of  Lincoln. 
Emergency.    Be  prepared  for  emergencies. 
Look  out  for  the  unexpected. 

Employment.    A  life  of  employment  is  a  life  of  en- 
joyment. 

Be  employed  at  something  if  it  is  only  in  kicking 
yourself. 

Empty.     When  his  belly  is  full  his  head  is  empty. 

Don't  drop  your  bucket  into  an  empty  well. 

It  is  hard  drawing  wine  out  of  an  empty  cask. 

It  takes  too  long  to  get  a  drink  out  of  an  empty 

jug- 
End.    In  the  beginning  look  to  the  end. 

Let  the  means  and  the  end  justify  each  other. 

Don't  monkey  with  the  tail-end  of  a  wasp. 

It  takes  him  too  long  to  get  to  the  tail-end  of  his 
tale. 


LACONICS  57 


Enemy.  Conquer  your  enemies,  but  do  not  humili- 
ate them. 

Fight  your  enemies  to  make  them  your  friends. 

Study  your  enemies. 

Men  are  often  our  enemies  because  they  do  not 
know  us. 

When  you  lose  an  enemy  you  gain  a  friend. 

If  you  are  wise  you  will  learn  more  of  yourself 
from  your  enemies  than  from  your  friends. 

You  are  bound  to  love  your  enemy,  but  you  are 
not  bound  to  put  your  finger  in  his  mouth. 

He  makes  a  rope  of  sand  to  bind  his  enemy. 

He  that  dallies  with  a  cunning  enemy  puts  his 
foot  in  a  trap. 

Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise 
man. 

He  who  can  do  you  no  good  as  a  friend,  can  do 
you  harm  as  an  enemy. 

If  your  enemy  is  a  man  make  a  friend  of  him,  if 
he  is  a  dog  kick  him  and  he  will  be  your  ser- 
vant. 

An  enemy  in  front — an  enemy  in  the  rear, — go 
ahead. 

Divide  your  enemies ;  unite  your  friends. 

Among  enemies  sleep  with  your  eyes  open. 

Your  worst  enemy  wears  your  shoes. 

Enjoyment.  Moderate  enjoyment  is  real  enjoy- 
ment. 

Joy  to  see  others  enjoy. 
What  you  enjoy  is  yours  and  that  is  all. 

Ennui.    Ennui  is  the  mother  of  many  vices. 

Enough.     He  will  have  enough  to  do  who  tries  to 

please  everybody. 
Enough  is  enough ;  more  is  too  much. 


58  LACONICS 


You  have  talked  enough,  now  go  at  it. 
Enough  is  often  too  much. 

Enterprise.    Plan  with  care;  execute  with  vigor. 
The  highest  mountain  lessens  as  we  climb. 
Enterprise  bridges  the  rivers,  tunnels  the  moun- 
tain, and  spans  the  continent. 
Enterprise  and  energy  know  few  failures. 

Enthusiasm.     How  can  he  kindle  others  who  him- 
self is  a  dead  cinder? 
Enthusiasm  has  done  wonders. 
Enthusiasm  without  sense  is  a  lunatic. 

Envy.    The  envious  are  always  inferior. 
Envy  will  find  faults  where  there  are  none. 
Envy,  like  the  moth,  seeks  the  fairest  fruit. 
Envy  is  a  witch  that  bewitches  herself. 
Envy  is  the  thorn  of  little  minds. 
Who  ever  envied  a  man  with  a  brawling  wife,  or 
a  boil  on  his  nose? 

Equality.     Hear  mobs  of  idlers  cry — "Equality! 
Let  all  men  share  alike :  divide,  divide." 
Pull  down  the  toiler,  lift  the  idler  up? 
Despoil  the  frugal,  crown  the  negligent? 
Offer  rewards  for  idleness  and  crime? 
And  pay  a  premium  for  improvidence? — Men. 

There  is  no  equality, — no  two  men,  or  women,  are 

just  alike. 
Equality?     No  two  grains  of  sand  are   exactly 

alike. 

Equity.  Equity  is  measured  by  the  mind  of  the 
judge;  and  the  little  judge  takes  technicality 
for  equity. 

Error.    Wise  men  err,  but  fools  persevere  in  error. 
Error  is  temporal ;  Truth,  eternal. 


LACONICS  59 


The  errors  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 

than  the  blunders  of  a  fool. 
To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 

Escape.  "At  the  battle  av  the  B'yne  not  a  mon  av 
me  company  escaped  alive,  except  four  thot 
wuz  drownded  in  the  river. — Captain  Blarney. 

Eternity — eternal.  Eternity  is  represented  in  a  mo- 
ment of  time. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand ;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Measure  eternity  by  the  town  clock ! 

Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours  you  squan- 
der. 

Etarnity's  tu  long;  thar  ain't  no  stoppin'-place 
on  the  road. — Bronco  Bill. 

Eulogy.  In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored 
to  build  a  monument  for  himself. 

Events.    In  the  events  of  today  behold  the  hand  of 

yesterday. 
Do  right;  be  just;  fear  not — events  will  take  care 

of  themselves. 
If  you  cannot  control  events,  you  can  profit  by 

them. 
Keep  your  eye  to  windward ;  get  on  the  right  side 

of  events. 

Everybody.     Don't  try  to   please   everybody;  the 

Almighty  couldn't  do  that. 
Better  be  a  kicking  mule  than  everybody's  ass. 

Everything.    Everything  has  its  use  and  its  abuse. 
Everything  is  a  part  of  everything. 


60  LACONICS 


"Everything  comes  to  him  who  waits."  So? — 
I  know  a  lot  of  men  who  are  waiting  yet — in 
the  grave-yard. 

He  looks  into  everything  and  sees  nothing. 

Evidence.     Before  you  decide  hear  both  sides. 

Compare  statements  with  probabilities. 

Men  will  color;  men  will  distort;  men  will  con- 
ceal; men  will  lie;  look  for  the  ear-marks  of 
truth. 

Truth  is  plain-spoken,  falsehood,  evasive  and  ful- 
some. 

Strong  circumstantial  evidence  rarely  deceives  the 
wary. 

Evil.    Commingled  the  good  and  the  evil ; 
Sown  together  the  wheat  and  the  tares; 
In  the  heart  of  the  wheat  is  the  weevil ; 
There  is  joy  in  the  midst  of  our  cares. 

Wisdom  will  find  good  in  evil. 
An  imagined  evil  is  a  real  evil. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  many. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 
rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 

Evil-speaking.    He  who  speaks  evil  will  do  evil. 

Evolution.     Evolution  never  goes  backward. 
We  have  "evoluted"  from  an  atom  to  an  ape. 

Exaggeration.     Some  men's  jackrabbits  are  always 

antelopes. 

Blowhard's  badger  is  a  bear.  . 
Exaggeration  weakens  the  tale. 
The  minnow  he  failed  to  land  was  the  biggest 

bass  in  the  lake. 


LACONICS  61 


Example.     We  echo  what  we  hear  and  ape  what 

we  see. 
When  one  goose  gabbles  the  whole  flock  follows. 

Excellence.     Excellence   is   the  reward  of  patient 
work. 

Excuse.     His  excuse  is  lame;  it  needs  crutches. 
His  excuse  accuses  him. — From  the  French. 

Execution — execute.     The   best   of   plans   may   be 

spoiled  in  execution. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 
"Jist  in  time,"  said  the  sheriff,  when  the  pardon 
arriv  tew  minits  arfter  the  execution. — Bronco  Bill. 

Expediency.    The  lawful  is  not  always  expedient; 
the  wrongful  never. 

Expense.    The  thriftless  boor  keeps  three  dogs  and 

one  pig. 
Figure  the  expense  and  count  your  pence. 

Experience.    Fools  call  their  folly  experience. 

We  are  often  prophets  to  others  and  fools  for  our- 
selves. 

Personal  experience  is  the  fool's  schoolmaster. 

The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by  ex- 
perience, fools  by  nothing. 

He  got  tew  black  eyes  an'  a  battered  mug,  but 
he  gained  experience. — Bronco  Bill. 

Extremes.    Oppose  extremes ;  don't  let  the  tail  wag 

the  dog. 
Extremes  beget  extremes. 

In  all  extremes  there  lies  between. 
The  middle  way — the  "golden  mean." 

Avoid  extremes — especially  the  extreme  end  of  a 
wasp. 


62  LACONICS 


Eye.  The  eye  is  the  index  of  the  soul :  Love, 
hatred,  anger,  pity,  sorrow,  joy,  pride,  humility, 
truth,  falsehood,  courage,  cowardice,  are  pic- 
tured there. 

You  can  see  the  lie  in  his  eye. 

The  tongue  can  keep  a  secret  better  than  the  eye. 

You  can  see  a  coward  in  his  eye. 

Seek  ye  the  fairest  lily  of  the  field, 
The  fairest  lotus  that  in  the  lakelet  lies, 
The  fairest  rose  that  ever  morn  revealed, 
And  Love  will  find — from  other  eyes  concealed, 
A  fairer  flower  in  some  fair  woman's  eyes. 

— Love  Will  Find. 

We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 
Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 


Face.  Keep  your  face  to  the  front. 
Face  the  devil  and  he  will  flunk. 
Our  faces,  like  mirrors,  reflect  ourselves. 

Fact.     One  fact  discovered  is  a  lamp  to  light  the 

way  to  others. 

An  ounce  of  fact  is  worth  a  ton  of  fiction. 
We  mold  facts  in  our  own  molds. 
A  new  fact  is  a  new  revelation. 
Every  fact  fits  in  with  all  other  facts. 
Facts !  facts !  we  are  all  looking  for  facts,  but  not 

with  the  same  eyes. 
Let  your  mind  feed  on  facts. 
His  imagination  furnishes  his  facts. 
His  fancy  fabricates  his  facts. 

Fail.    He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will  fail  in 
great  ones. 


LACONICS  63 


Failure.    It  is  only  the  fool  that  never  fails. 
He  was  born  a  failure. 
Remember  your  failures  are  your  stepping-stones 

to  success. 
If  you  fail  don't  flunk. 

Fair.    He  plays  fair  and  picks  your  pocket. 
He  speaks  too  fair  and  I'll  beware. 
The  fairest  flower  is  without  fruit. 

Faith.    Faith  is  the  foundation  of  society. 
Blind  faith  is  strongest  in  the  weakest. 
Blind  faith  is  the  religion  of  fools. 
Have  faith  in  yourself. 
He  lived  on  faith  and  dined  on  moonshine. 

Fall.    Fall  and  the  world  will  laugh ;  rise  and  it  will 

applaud. 

A  wise  man  will  never  fall  twice  in  the  same 
ditch. 

False.     Although  true,  be  cautious  about  stating 
that  which  appears  to  be  false. 

Falsehood.     It  is  easier  to  detect  falsehood  than  to 

find  the  truth. 
When  falsehood  baits  her  hook  with  bits  of  truth 

she  catches  gudgeons. 
Truth  can  afford  to  go  naked;  falsehood  needs 

fine  clothes. 
In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 

Fame.     Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 

said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for 
bread. — Poetry. 

Fame  is  a  coy  goddess  that  rarely  bestows  her 
favors  on  him  who  seek  her — a  phantom  that 
many  pursue  and  but  few  overtake, 


64  LACONICS 


Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 
Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  sweet  praise  or  calumny; 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care? 

— Poetry, 

For  fame  men  piled  the  Pyramids ; 
Their  names  have  perished  with  their  bones; 
For  fame  men  wrote  their  boasted  deeds 
On  Babel  bricks  and  Runic  stones, 

On  Tyrian  temples,  gates  of  brass, 

On  Roman  arch  and  Damask  blades, 

And  perished  like  the  desert  grass 

That  springs  to-day — to-morrow  fades. — Fame. 

Alas,  alas,  for  all  things  pass,  and  we  shall  vanish 

too,  as  they; 
We  build  pur  monuments  of  brass  and  granite, 

but  they  waste  away. — Minnetonka. 

Fame  is  as  fickle  as  the  babble  of  men. 

He  was  famous — immortal  for  a  day. 

Fame  is  but  the  breath  of  the  populace,  and  often 

smells  of  garlic. 

There  is  but  a  step  between  fame  and  infamy. 
He  wrote  a  book  despising  fame  and  put  his  full 

name  on  the  title  page. 
He  went  huntin'  fer  fame  an'  got  intu  jail. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

He  fit  fer  fame,  an'  thar  ain't  a  echo  uf  his  name. 

—Bronco  Bill 

Family.      A  family  should  be  "unica  velut  arx" — one 

like  a  citadel. 

Don't  pickle  me  in  a  family  jar. 
If  there  is  ferment  in  the  family  jar  add  "sweet 

oil"  and  clap  on  the  cover. 


LACONICS  65 


Far-away.     Faraway  is  the  happy  land, 
Where  hares  come  leaping  to  your  hand, 
And  ducks  drop  ready  roasted. 
Fine  are  the  fields  that  are  far  away. 
It  is  only  in  a  far-away   land  that  lemons  and 

sugar  and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 
When  a  fool  goes  far  fer  a  wife  he  most  allus 

gits  another. — Bronco  Bill. 

Farce.     When  the  farce  is  played  out,  let  the  cur- 
tain drop. 
It  is  only  one  step  from  farce  to  tragedy. 

Fashion.     We  dance  to  the  music  of  the  times. 

Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. 
When  Nero's  wife  put  on  her  auburn  wig 
And  at  the  Coliseum  showed  her  head, 
The  hair  of  every  dame  in  Rome  turned  red ; 
When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 

— Poetry. 

If  it  were  the  fashion  to  go  naked,  most  women 

would  follow  the  fashion. 
Fashion  wears  out  more  clothes  than  work. 
Bread  is  cheap,  fashion  is  dear. 
Fashion  and  custom  are  the  biggest  items  in  our 

family  expenses. 
The  latest  fashion — a  hay-cock  hat  filled  with  red 

hair. 

Fate.    Whet  your  knife  on  the  threshold  of  fate. 
Fight  not  against  fate;  it  is  better  to  bend  than 

to  break. 

There  is  no  armor  against  fate. 
Between  the  cup  and  the  lips  stands  fate. 
Don't   clutch   the  wheel-spokes  of  fate;   try  the 

rear  end  of  an  express  train. 


66  LACONICS 


Father.    A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 

He  worked  hard  all  his  life  to  make  his  sons 
sports  and  spendthrifts. 

"My  forefathers  were  noblemen,"  said  the  Eng- 
lishman to  Pat, 

"An'  ef  yer  mether  hed  bin  a  onisht  'oman  yez 
wudn't  a-hed  but  wan  av  'em,"  said  Pat. 

Fault.    Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art ; 

Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites ; 

As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 

So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. 

— Poetry. 

Small  faults  are  little  thieves. 

The  faultless  man  was  born  tomorrow. 

They  that  do  nothing  spend  their  time  in  finding 
fault  with  others. 

If  we  had  no  faults  we  wouldn't  be  hunting  for 
faults  in  others. 

We  remember  the  faults  of  others  and  forget  our 
own. 

Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  for- 
get your  virtues. 

We  can  hide  our  faults  from  ourselves  easier 
than  from  others. 

The  man  without  faults  is  in  the  cemetery. 

Favor.    If  you  cannot  grant  a  favor  asked, — refuse 

graciously  and  without  delay. 
A  handsome  woman  finds  favor  among  men,  and 
but  little  among  her  own  sex. 

Fear.      Brave   Red   Cloud   is   only    afraid   of   fear. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Fear  turns  the  black  sheep  into  a  bear. 
Fear  multiplies  the  enemy  ten-fold. 
When  fear  enters  wisdom  departs. 


LACONICS  67 


Fear  makes  a  wolf  out  of  a  jack-rabbit. 
Conceal  your  fear  under  a  bold  front. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counsellor. 
Fear  doubles  the  danger. 

He  wuzn't  afeard  uf  nuthin',  he  cud  run  faster 
nur  ary  Injun  on  the  plains. — Bronco  Bill. 

Feast.  He  who  comes  after  the  feast  must  be  con- 
tent with  the  bones. 

A  frog's  leg  is  a  feast  for  a  Frenchman. 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  make  a  feast  for  a  hungry 
man. 

Too  late  to  the  feast, — the  dogs  have  the  bones. 

After  the  feast,  bones — bones. 

Ah,  sweet  content — the  blessing  of  the  blest — 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table — East  or  West — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

Feather.    He  fans  with  a  feather  and  imagines  he 

has  started  a  hurricane. 
Fine  feathers  make  fine  birds. 
She  is  all  fads  and  feathers. 
His  cockloft  is  full  of  feathers. 

Fetter.     Even  golden  fetters  become  hateful. 
He  who  forges  fetters  for  others  may  wear  them 

himself. 
We  all  wear  fetters — some  of  iron,  some  of  gold. 

Fickle.    The  wife  that  is  fickle  is  soon  in  a  pickle. 

Fiddler.     Every  fiddler  thinks  his  own  fiddling  the 

finest. 

When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 
He  fiddled— and  fiddled— his  fiddle-de-de. 

Fight.    A  Frenchman  fights  before  he  reasons; 
A  Scotchman  reasons  before  he  fights; 
An  Irishman  fights  for  the  fun  of  it; 


68  LACONICS 


And  an  Englishman  fights  when  he  thinks  he  can 

whip  his  enemy. 

Fightin'  like  divils  for  conciliation, 
An'  hatin'  each  other  for  the  love  of  God. 

— Charles  Lever. 

It  is  better  to  fall  fighting  than  to  be  shot  in  the 

back. 
Said  Pat:  "Oi'm  niver  so  much  at  pace  as  whin 

Oi'm  in  a  foight." 
The  main  thing  in  this  world  is  to  fight  a  good 

fight. 
Men  are  prone  to  fight ;  even  wolves  agree  among 

themselves. 

"War  yer  in  the  battle  of  Bull  Run,  Pat?" 

"Sure  Oi  wuz." 

"An'  whar  waz  yer,  Pat?" 

"Oi  wuz  behint  at  the  Bui  an'  afore  at  the  Run." 

Figure-head.     How  often  the  head  figure  is  a  mere 
figure-head. 

Finite.    In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Fire.     Fight  fire  with  fire. 

There  is  no  fire  in  the  flint  till  steel  strikes  it. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attempts  to  quench 

a  fire  with  kerosene. 
Under  ashes  fire. 

Fire  in  the  heart,  smoke  in  the  head. 
Fire  won't  burn  without  fuel. 
A  little  hot-head  will  sometimes  kindle  a  big  fire. 
Look  out  for  a  fire  in  the  rear. 
He  fired  in  the  air,  but  the  little  dogs  barked. 
A  little  fool  can  start  a  big  fire. 

Fish.     The  fish  the  fisherman  fails  to  land  is  the 
biggest  fish  in  the  pond. 


LACONICS  69 


Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 

Don't  try  to  catch  a  trout  with  a  chunk  of  pork 

on  a  pot-hook. 

The  easiest  fish  to  catch  is  a  "sucker." 
Keep  your  net  set  and  you'll  catch  fish  while  you 

sleep. 
Don't  fish  whar  thar  ain't  no  fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Flag.     Every  man  for  the  flag  and  the  flag  for  us 

all. 

Brave  Captain  Bragg  war  ez  witty  a  wag 
Ez  iver  smelt  gun-powder  under  the  flag. 

— Bronco  Bill — War  with  Japan. 

"Oi'm  flaggin'  the  inemy,"  said  Pat,  as  he  ran  to 
the  rear  with  the  colors. 

Flattery — flatterer.  We  dislike  those  who  flatter 
us  too  much,  and  hate  those  who  don't  flatter 
us  at  all. 

A  man  who  is  too  deaf  to  hear  good  counsel  will 
hear  flattery  a  mile  off. 

The  only  flatterer  I  fear  is  myself. 

Shrewd  men  flatter  us  to  our  friends,  that  it  may 
come  to  our  ears. 

Flatterers  are  the  parasites  of  the  powerful. 

Flattery  is  fit  pap  for  fools. 

We  can  flatter  no  one  so  easily  as  ourselves. 

The  worst  flatterer  is  he  who  flatters  the  masses. 

Flattery  will  not  hurt  us  if  we  don't  flatter  our- 
selves. 

When  Nature  changes  her  nature  you  may  trust 
a  flatterer. 

He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of  flattery. 

Flea.  "I  not  like  ze  fleas,"  said  Yacob's  "best  girl" 
on  the  sand  at  Long  Beach.  "Ich  auch,"  said  Ya- 
cob,  "ze  bite  not  bodder  me  mooch,  aber  I  not 


70  LACONICS 


can  sleeb  mit  zat  leedel  tarn  valk — valk — valk — on 
mein  beins  und  belly  all  ze  night." 
"Uncle  Isaac,"  of  Los  Angeles,  went  fishing  at 
Redondo  on  Sunday.  He  returned  with  only  one 
little  smelt.  "Ach,  Ikey,"  said  his  wife,  "du  bin 
hev  cotch  nur  ein  leedel  fisch?  You  cotch  no 
more  bites?"  "Ach,  Gott— yah,"  said  Isaac,  "I 
cotch  more  als  ein  tousant  fleabites."  * 

Flies.     If  you  would  catch  flies  sugar  your  sauce. 

Flies  can  annoy  a  lion. 
Flinch.     Never  flinch,  however  much  you  fear. 

It's  a  "cinch," — inch  by  inch — 

Win  your  way  and  never  flinch. 
Flower.    The  flower  must  fade  before  the  fruit  ap- 
pears. 

The  fairest  flowers  are  rarely  the  sweetest. 

Flock.    When  one  duck  flies  the  flock  follows. 

If  you  want  to  control  the   flock   catch   the  bell- 
wether. 

Any  feather-head  can  follow  the  flock. 
Foe.    We  are  sharpened  by  the  files  of  our  foes. 

Fight  a  foe  to  make  a  friend  of  him. 
Follow.    Follow  the  bees  and  you  will  find  the  hive. 

Follow  the  crows  and  you  will  find  the  carrion. 

Men,  like  geese,  follow  the  flock. 

Folly.    When  we  laugh  at  the  follies  of  others  let 

us  look  at  our  own. 
One  man's  folly  is  another  man's  fortune. — Bacon. 

Food.     Feed  neither  mind  nor  body  continually  on 

the  same  food. 
Flattery  is  fit  food  for  fools. 
It  is  better  to  discover  a  new  food  for  man  on 

earth  than  a  new  star  in  the  sky. 


LACONICS  71 


Feed  a  vain  man  on  flattery — it's  plum-puddin' 
to  him. 

Fool.    Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 

For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools, 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  fool  acts  first  and  asks  advice  afterwards. 
A  fool  is  often  as  dangerous  to  deal  with  as  a 

knave. 
Fools  follow  the  opinion  of  others,  wise  men  think 

for  themselves. 
Only  fools  are  born  wise. 
There  is  one  crop  that  never  fails — the  crop  of 

fools. 
A  fool  walks  with  his  mouth  open  and  his  eyes 

shut. 
He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found  the 

right  road  to  wisdom. 
Some    men   talk    like    philosophers    and    live    like 

fools. 
Even  a  wise  man  may  sometimes  make  a  fool  of 

himself. 
When  nature  gave  him  a  long  tongue  and  a  little 

brain  she  meant  him  for  a  fool. 
There  is  no  cure  for  a  fool. 
The  fool  finds  a  stone  wall  in  his  way  by  bumping 

his  head  against  it. 
God  bless  the  damphools,  Jim ;  they're  road-signs 

fer  ether  folks. — Bronco  Bill. 

Every  fool  has  a  goose  that  lays  a  golden  egg  to- 
morrow. 
A  fool  blames  others  for  his  faults;  a  wise  man 

blames  himself. 


72  LACONICS 


The  land  of  fools  is  the  paradise  of  knaves. 

He  is  a  fool  who  gets  two  black  eyes  to  blacken 

one  of  his  enemy. 

The  young  fools  call  their  elders  the  old  fools. 
A   fool   friend  is   often  more   dangerous   than   an 

enemy. 
Thar's  no  fool  like  a  ole  fool  when  a  she  fool 

gits  onter  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

Foolish.  It  is  a  foolish  chicken  that  runs  to  the  fox 
for  protection. 

Forbearance.    Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee; 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  Charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

If  he  calls  you  a  fool,  forbear;  if  he  calls  you  a 
liar,  hit  'im. 

Forefathers.  "Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  forefathers," 
said  Pat,  "fer  Oi  dunno  who  the  divil  they  wuz, 
but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity  fer  Biddie 
an  me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em." 

Foremost.     In   politics   the  foremost    is   soon   the 

hindmost. 

The  hindmost  in  the  fight  is  the  foremost  in  the 
retreat. 

Fore-sight.     File  your  fore-sight ;  your  hind-sight 

is  good  enough. 

His  fore-sight  is  blunt,  but  his  hind-sight  is  fine. 
If  our  fore-sight  were  as  good  as  our  hind-sight 

we  would  seldom  miss  the  mark. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some  fore-sight,  and 

a  rare  few  circum-sight. 
Yer  cain't  see  half  ez  fur  with  yer  foresight  ez 

yer  kin  with  yer  hind-sight. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  73 


Fore-thought.     Patch  the  roof  before  it  rains. 
The  fore-thought  of  a  fool  is  always  behind. 
A  little  fore-thought  is  better  than  a  deal  of  hind- 
thought. 

Forgetfulness — forget.        His     forgetery     is     better 

than  his  memory. 
To  delay  is  to  forget. 

Forgiveness.    Let  there  be  no  room  in  thy  heart  for 

the  memory  of  a  wrong. 
Never  does  the  human  heart   appear  so  strong 

and  noble  as  when  it  foregoes  revenge. 
It  is  easier  to  forgive  those  who  have  injured  us 

than  those  whom  we  have  injured. 
The  offender  seldom  forgives. 
Forgiveness  is  commendable,  but  some  men  need 

licking. 

Forgive,  but  don't  forget. 
If  you  would  be  forgiven,  forgive. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  Charity  is  the  golden  key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  Heaven. — Charity. 

Fortitude.    Fortify  yourself  with  fortitude  and  For- 
tune will  favor  you. 

Fortune.    A  fortune  is  often  a  misfortune. 

When  fortune  blows,  hoist  your  sails. 

He  is  a  shrewd  man  who  knows  how  to  make  a 
fortune;  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  keep 
it;  but  he  is  wisest  who  knows  how  to  enjoy  it. 

The  way  to  court  fortune  is  to  meet  her  half-way. 

Fortune  rarely  smiles  on  him  who  complains  of 
her. 

Friends  and  fortune  fly  together. 


74  LACONICS 


The  way  to  gain  the  favor  of  fortune  is  to  com- 
pel it. 

When  you  are  at  the  top  of  the  hill  all  roads 
lead  downward. 

A  small  fortune  is  safer  than  a  big  one. 

How  often  fortune  plays  the  coquette — smiling 
at  first  and  mocking  afterwards. 

Weave  diligently  and  Fortune  will  furnish  the 
thread. 

When  fortune  knocks  at  the  door  be  ready  to  let 
her  in. 

Fortune  sells  what  she  seems  to  give. 

He  is  waiting  for  a  fortune — with  a  hole  in  his 
hat  and  a  patch  on  his  pants. 

Forward.     A  man  connot  stand  still;  he  must  go 

forward  or  backward. 
Forward  ! — Forward ! — That  is  the  word  that  wins 

the  victory. 
Don't  be  backward  in  coming  forward  in  your 

own  cause. 

Fountain.     If  you  want  pure  water  go  to  the  foun- 
tain-head. 
He  starts  his  fountain  with  a  cork-screw. 

Fox.    The  fox  never  gets  caught  twice  in  the  same 

trap. 
Under  the  bait  the  old  fox  smells  the  hidden  trap. 

Foxy.     He  was  so  foxy  that  he  outwitted  himself. 
Freak.    A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 

Freedom.    The  word  Freedom  has  covered  a  multi- 
tude of  wrongs. 
True  Freedom  is  the  right  to  do  right. 

French.    "Do  you  understand  French,  Pat?" 
"Sure  Oi  duz  ef  ye  spake  it  in  Oirish." 


LACONICS  75 


Friction.    Men  of  mettle  are  polished  by  friction. 

Friend — friendship.    A  true  friend  divides  our  sor- 
rows and  doubles  our  joys. 
A  friend  that  frowns  is  better  than   a  smiling 

enemy. 
How   many   friends  are  like   the   swallows   that 

make  their  nests  under  your  roof  in  summer 

and  in  autumn  fly  away. 
We  never  know  the  value  of  a  true  friend  till  we 

lose  him. 
I  have  one  friend  I  can  depend  on — he  is  in  my 

pocket. 
Be  your  friend's  friend,  but  not  the  friend  of  his 

faults. 
He  has  a  hundred  friends  of  his  fortune  to  one  of 

himself. 

A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed ; 
A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Fear  your  friends  and  face  your  enemies. 
Friendship  is  a  plant  that  needs  watering. 
Friendship  can't  stand  on  one  leg. 
True  friendship  is  like  pure  wine;  the  older  it 

grows  the  stronger  it  grows. 
The  man  who  has  no  need  of  friends  will  have 

many. 
A  fool  friend  is  more  dangerous  than  an  open 

enemy. 
Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise 

man. 

My  friend  is  my  brother  of  my  own  choosing. 
A  friend's  face  is  a  good  mirror. 
Between  true  friends,  truth — nothing  but  truth. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends,  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 
You  will  never  find  a  friend  without  a  fault. 


76  LACONICS 


The  friend  who  tells  you  your  faults  is  the  friend 
to  tie  to. 

Frog.     Better  be  a  big  frog  in  a  little  puddle,  than 
a  little  frog  in  a  big  puddle. 

Froth.    When  the  pot  boils  the  froth  comes  to  the 

top. 

The  mob  is  like  lager  beer — the  froth  on  top. 
All  froth  and  no  beer. 

Frugality.    He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the 

least. 
Save  your  pennies  and  your  pennies  will  save  you. 

Fruit.    The  blossom  withers  when  the  fruit  appears. 
The  fairest  fruit  may  have  a  worm  in  it. 
The  best  fruit  ripens  late. 
Don't  pluck  the  apple  till  it  is  ripe. 
The   fig-tree   that   fails    to   bear — root    it    out, — 

plant  potatoes. 
Every  family  tree  bears  some  bad  fruit. 

Fury.    Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Fury  is  fit  for  wild  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Future.     The  future  grows  out  of  the  present  and 

the  past. 

An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 
He  that  would  judge  the  future  must  know  the 

past. 
It  is  well  that  the  future  is  concealed. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  Future  is  written  in  the  past. 


LACONICS  77 


We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 
Take  care  of  the  present  and  the  future  will  take 

care  of  itself. 
With  his  eyes  on  the  future  he  stumbles  through 

the  present. 


Gain.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to 
gain. 

Dust  to  Dust: 
What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost? 

What  have  you  gained  if  you  strive  and  struggle 
all  your  life  to  gain  a  fortune  for  prodigals  to 
squander? 

Garment.     Everyone  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue, 
if  it  is  only  a  fig-leaf. 

Garden — gardener.     God  made  the  first  garden  and 

Cain  built  the  first  city. 

Every  man  and  woman  ought  to  be  a  gardener. 
We  are  all  in  God's  garden ;  let  us  root  out  the 

weeds  and  plant  potatoes. 

General — generalship.    Napoleon  showed  his  great- 
est generalship  in  selecting  his  marshals. 
A  good  general  commands  himself. 
"What  makes  a  good  general?"  asked  Lincoln. 
"Bull-dog,"  said  General  Grant. 

Generation.    A  generation  is  like  a  swarm  of  gnats 
— born  in  June — dead  in  October. 

Generous.     He  who  gives  to  every  beggar  beggars 
himself. 


78  LACONICS 


Vanity  is  the  well-spring  of  much  generosity. 
He  who  gives  publicly  likes  to  see  his  name  in 

the  newspapers. 
Men  who  have  wrung  millions  out  of  the  people 

generously  give  a  fraction  to  universities  and 

libraries  to  write  their  names  over  the  doors. 
Be  generous  to  your  true  friends  and  don't  be 

stingy  with  yourself. 

Genius.     Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.    Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor  is  the  same: 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

— Poetry. 

An  eagle's  egg  may  be  hatched  in  a  hen-coop. 
A  swan's  egg  may  be  hatched  on  a  dung-hill. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  finest  silk :  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will, 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. 

— Poetry. 

Genius  is  a  bundle  of  nerves  bent  to  hard  work. 
Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
He  wuz  a  genus ;  he  writ  skim-milk  poetry  fer 
the  Atlantic  Maggiezeen. — Bronco  Bill. 

Get.    It  is  easier  to  get  than  to  keep. 

It  is  hard  to  get  to  the  top:  you  can  slide  to  the 
bottom. 

Geology.     Geology  traces  the  foot-prints  of  Time. 
Geology  teaches  us  how  God  built  the  Earth. 

Giddy.       A  giddy  girl  makes  a  fool  of  her  mother 
at  ten,  at  twenty  she  makes  a  fool  of  herself. 


LACONICS  79 


Gift — give — giver.     Give  and  take,  but  don't  "give 

in." 

It  is  better  to  give  than  to  take. 
Don't  insult  the   worthy  giver  by   refusing  the 

gift  he  can  afford. 

Giggle.     Miss  Giggles  wuz  allus  a-gigglin':  she'd 
giggle  at  a  funeral. — Bronco  Bill. 

Girl.    Hear  the  old  mother  talk !    You  would  think 

she  never  was  a  girl  herself. 
Some  women  are  always  girls  and  die  giggling. 

Glitter.     Diamonds  are  only  stones;  'tis  the  glitter 
we  prize. 

Glove.    If  you  handle  nettles  put  on  gloves. 
Strike  your  friend  gently  with  a  gloved  hand. 
You  can  tell  a  sloven  by  the  fit  of  her  glove. 

Gluttony.    Where  one  dies  of  hunger  a  thousand  die 

of  gluttony. 

A  glutton  ought  to  be  a  scavenger. 
A  glutton's  guts  are  the  principal  part  of  him. 

God.     Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. 

— Beyond. 

All  things  in  nature  bear  God's  signature 

So  plainly  writ  that  he  who  runs  may  read. — Men. 

God's  perfect  order  rules  the  Universe. 

Hope  and  Trust. 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan ; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 

Hope  and  Trust. — Dust  to  Dust. 


8o  LACONICS 


Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  His; 

Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  He; 

One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 

In  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity; 

And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man? 
God  gives  us  nothing  but  life,  all  else  he  sells 

to  us  at  a  fair  price. 
Thou  art  the  god  of  thine  idolatry. 
The  fool  fashions  God  after  himself. 
The  years  of  God  are  one. 
Time  hath  not  touched    the    great    All-father's 

Throne. 

Gold — golden.     The  golden  age  is  the  age  of  gold. 
Fish  with  a  golden  hook. 
Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

— Men. 
Confucius  preached  the  "Golden  Rule"  500  years 

before  Jesus  was  born. 
This  is  surely  the  "Golden  Age" — we  worship  the 

"Golden  Calf." 
It  takes  a  gold-mine  to  operate  an  iron-mine. 

Gone.    Gone  is  gone  and  you  needn't  chase  it. 

Good.     There  is  good  in  all  things  for  him  who 

knows  how  to  find  it. 
If  good  is  within  good  will  come  out. 
There  is  good  in  all  things  and  evil  in  all  things. 
Good  is  good,  but  the  best  is  better. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 

rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 

He  is  one  uf  them  goody-goody  good-fer-nothins. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  81 


Good  Times.    All  times  are  good  times  if  you  know 

what  to  do  and  how  to  do  it. 
He  never  ventured :  he  was  always  waiting  for 

"Good  Times." 
A  blacksmith  can  made  "good  times"  with   his 

hammer  on  his  anvil. 

Good-breeding.     Good  seed — good  breed. 

Wisdom  and  virtue  are  gems — good-breeding  the 

setting. 
That  thorough-bred  was  born  in  Berkshire. 

Good  Humor.     Good  humor  is  better  than  a  dress 
suit. 

Goose.  Hear  the  fox  preach  to  the  geese. 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape. 
When  the  coyote  yelps  corral  your  geese. 

Gospel.     The  gospel   of   God   is  written  in   every 
blade  of  grass. 

Gossip.     Gossip  and  Liar  are  twins. 
Hear-say  is  her-say. 
One  tongue  is  enough  for  gossip,  but  she  wags  it 

in  all  tongues. 
She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and  peppers  her 

chops  with  scandal. 

Govern — government.     A   wise   government    should 

lead  the  people,  not  follow  them. 
We    are    all    stock-holders    in    the    government — 

watch  the  directors. 
Government  by  the  mob  is  anarchy. 
Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 
To  govern  well  one  should  first  learn  to  obey. 

Grain.  The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 
An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea. — Fame. 


82  LACONICS 


A  grist  of  words  and  a  grain  of  sense. 
Don't  rub  a  man  against  the  grain. 

Grandfather.     He  is  but  an  echo  of  an  echo;  his 

grandfather  was  a  man. 
His  grandfather's  name  was  Gorilla. 
We  know  more  than  our  grandfathers  and  our 

grand-children  will  know  more  than  we. 

Grapes.     The  best  grapes  hang  highest. 

If  you  can't  reach  the  grapes  don't  cry  sour;  try 

a  step-ladder. 
Sweet  grapes  make  sour  wine. 

Gratitude.    The   gratitude   of   the   selfish   is   only   a 

bid  for  further  favors. 

If  you  do  a  "hog"  a  favor  he  will  only  grunt  his 
gratitude. 

Gravity.    Gravity  may  be  the  robe  of  wisdom  or  the 

cloak  of  a  dunce. 
Don't  imagine  that  you  are  the  center  of  gravity. 

Great — greatness.  The  great  are  great  only  be- 
cause we  are  little. 

Better  be  great  among  the  little  than  little  among 
the  great. 

It  is  better  to  be  great  in  little  things  than  little 
in  great  things. 

He  is  greatest  who  has  done  most  for  his  fellow 
men. 

The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 

Greek.  Priests,  versed  in  dead  rituals,  in  dead  lan- 
guage deep, 

Talk  Greek  to  the  grex  and  Latin  to  their  sheep, 
And  feed  their  flocks  a  flood  of  cant  and  college 
For  every  drop  of  sense  or  useful  knowledge. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 


LACONICS  83 


He   talked    Greek    and    Latin    in    Holland    Dutch. 

— Bronco  BUI. 

Grief.    Pent  up  grief  breaks  the  bones. 
Great  grief  cures  little  briefs. 
Grief  was  petrified  in  her  face. 
She    wears    weeds    for    her    dead  husband    and 
grieves  for  another. 

Grumble.      He's   got   thet   itch   called  "the  grum- 
bles."—Bronco  Bill. 

Grumblin'  don't  put  no  sugar  in  the  coffee  when 
thar  ain't  none. — Bronco  Bill. 

Guilt — guilty.     Guilt  fears  its  own  shadow. 

"How  say  you,   guilty  or  not  guilty,"   said  the 
judge   to   Pat,  who   was  indicted   for  larceny. 
"Bless  yer  sowl,  how  the   divil  can  Oi  tell  till 
Oi  hear  the  ividince?"  said  Pat. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

— After  Lord  Coke. 

The  guiltiest  often  looks  the  most  innocent. 


H 

Habit.    Habit  is  as  powerful  as  a  pair  of  mules. 

All  men  are  slaves,  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  shining  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  best  way  to  cure  a  bad  habit  is  never  to  ac- 
quire it. 
Bad  habits  are  at  first  cobwebs,  at  last,  fetters. 

Hair.    He  whose  sinewy  arms 


84  LACONICS 


Might  break  through  bars  of  steel  like  bands  of 

straw, 

Caught  in  the  net  of  her  unloosened  hair, 
A  helpless  prisoner  lies  and  loves  his  chains. 

— Change. 

Ah,  the  best  of  men  are  tangled — 
Sometimes  tangled  in  the  tresses 
Of  a  fair  and  crafty  woman. — The  Sea  Gull. 

They  war  ten  fut  tall,  an'  over  all 

A  bar-skin  tu  the  thighs,  sir ; 
Ther  legs  war  bar  axcept  the  har 

Frum  ther  toe-nails  ter  ther  eyes,  sir. 

—Bronco  Bill  (The  Vikings.) 

Half.    A  half  truth  is  a  whole  lie. 
Don't  be  half  and  half  in  anything. 

Hammer.     Men  of  mettle  are   made  between  the 
hammer  and  the  anvil. 

Hand-saw — buck-saw.       He     lathers    you    with    a 
scrub-broom  and  shaves  you  with  a  hand-saw. 
He's  a  buck-saw  carpenter. 

Handsome.     Most  women  would  rather  be  hand- 
some than  good. 
A  handsome  woman  is  a  pit-fall  for  herself. 

Happiness — happy.     Happy  is  he  who  thinks  him- 
self happy. 

Had  man  the  blessed  wisdom  of  content 
Happy  were  he,  as  wise  Horatius  sung, 
To  whom  God  gives  enough  with  sparing  hand. 

— Men. 

You  cannot  weigh  happiness  with  scales  or  meas- 
ure it  with  a  yard-stick. 

Fools  travel  in  search  of  happiness ;  a  wise  man 
finds  it  at  home. 


LACONICS  85 


Happiness  depends  more  on  health  than  wealth. 
Count  yourself  happy  if  God  gives  you  health  and 
work. 

Hard.     It  is  hard  sledding  where  there  is  no  snow. 
A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 
It  is  hard  to  break  an  old  horse. 

Hardship.     Power  is  developed  by  hardship. 

What    our    forefathers    considered    comfort    we 
would  call  hardship. 

Harp.    The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame  tune 
Forever. — Change. 

The  only  harp  he  plays  on  is  a  Jew's  harp. 
He  is  always  harping  on  one  string. 

Harvest.    "What  will  the  harvest  be?" — What  was 
the  seed,  the  soil  and  the  cultivation? 

Haste — hasty.     Be  always  in  haste,  but  never  in  a 

hurry. 

Hurry  and  worry,  fluster  and  flurry. 
Who  judges  others  hastily,  condemns  himself. 

Hat.     A  silk  hat; — a  fine  cover  for  a  cracked  pot. 
Hats  are  made  to  make  bald  heads. 
The   price   uf   thet   woman's   ombrella   hat   wud 
buy'er  ten  suits  uf  clean  under-war. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hatch.    It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 
He    is    always    brooding,    but    never    hatches    a 
"chick." 

Hate — hatred.     Hatred  is  a  hard  burden  for  him 

who  carries  it. 
His  face  is  petrified  Hate. 
I  hate  a  woman  in  pants  and  a  man  in  petticoats. 


86  LACONICS 


Hay.     Make  hay  while  the  sun  shines  and  when  it 
rains  get  under  the  rick. 

Head.     Let  head  and  heart  go  hand  in  hand, 
Nor  one  behind  the  other; 
Then  where  the  head  may  find  a  man 
The  heart  will  find  a  brother. 

Carry  a  level  head  and  a  close  mouth  or  you  will 

spill  yourself. 

His  head  will  never  fill  his  pocket. 
There  can  be  but  one  head  to  a  happy  family. 
It  is  better  to  have  a  good  head  for  a  hat,  than  a 

fine  hat  for  the  head. 
His  head  is  too  big  for  his  pocket. 
God  gave  you  one  head  to  handle  two  hands. 
"Two  heads  are   better  than  one" — unless  they 

are  loggerheads. 
It  is  better  to  be  the  head  of  the  Commons  than 

the  tail  of  the  Lords. 

The  head  is  rare  that  conquers  the  heart. 
A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 
You  can't  get  to  the  head  without  a  head. 

Health.     Good  health  is  better  than  a  gold  mine. 
It  is  only  the  sick  that  know  the  value  of  health. 
Health  is  happiness. 

He  is  a  fool  who  would  sacrifice  health  for  wealth. 
He  travels  for  health :  he  could  find  it  in  his  own 
field. 

Hear.    Hear  both  sides  and  say  nothing. 
Who  talks  much  hears  little. 

Hearsay.     Hearsay  is  mostly  her-say. 
Hearsay  is  a  peddler  of  lies. 

Hear-say  may  become  common  report  and  con- 
demn the  innocent. 


LACONICS  87 


Heart.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the 

heart. 

The  well-spring  of  our  best  thoughts  is  in  the 
heart. 

Nor  reason  rules  the  head,  but  aye  the  heart : 
The  head  is  weak,  the  throbbing  heart  is  strong; 
But  when  the  heart  is  right  the  head  is  not  far 
wrong. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  heart  speaks  all  tongues: 

Everybody  understands  the  language  of  the  heart. 

Human  hearts  beat  in  pairs. 

The  heart  of  a  woman  will  out-reason  the  head 

of  a  philosopher. 
A  willing  heart  finds  time. 
Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Heed.    Take  heed  of  a  silent  man  lest  you  stir  up 

a  lion. 
Take  heed  or  you'll  come  to  need. 

Heir.    Man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 
The  prodigal  heir  of  a  millionaire. 

Hell.     Harrow  hell  and  rake  up  devils. 

There  is  Hell  enough  on  earth,  what  need  of  a 
Hell  hereafter? 

Help.     A  man  is  his  own  best  helper. 

Help  is  a  hindrance  to  him  who  does  not  try  to 

help  himself. 
You  can't  help  a  man  who  will  not  help  himself. 

Hen.     It  is  a  sorry  roost  where  the  hen  crows  and 
the  cock  cackles. 

Hero — heroism.  Fortune  and  fortitude  make  heroes. 
As  wheat  is  winnowed  out  in  the  wind,  so  are 
heroes  winnowed  out  in  war. 


88  LACONICS 


A  moral  hero  is  the  greatest  of  all  heroes. 

Don't  mistake  a  boaster  for  a  hero. 

Heroes  are  ever  modest. 

Men  who  were  moral  cowards  have  been  writ  into 
heroes  in  history. 

History  (his-story)  has  made  heroes  out  of  brag- 
garts. 

It  took  a  brass-band  and  a  paid  staff  of  press- 
reporters  to  make  a  hero  at  the  battle  of  San 
Juan. 

A  mere  brute  can  never  be  a  hero. 

A  real  hero  doesn't  need  a  megaphone  or  a  staff 
of  press-reporters. 

He  shot  a  dead  lion  in  Africa  and  came  home  a 
hero. 

The  true  hero  has  a  kind  heart. 

Highway.     He  left  the  highway  for  a  by-way  and 

fell  into  a  fen. 

He  is  on  the  highway  to  fortune. 
He  is  on  the  highway  to  ruin. 

Himself.  He  who  serves  himself  has  a  good  ser- 
vant and  a  kind  master. 

He  who  disparages  himself  to  others  expects 
praise. 

The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks  worse  com- 
pany. 

However  rich,  he  who  lives  for  himself  alone  is 
poor  indeed. 

A  man  can  bridle  a  wild  bronco  easier  than  he  can 
bridle  himself. 

He  knows  much  who  knows  himself. 

In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored  to  build 
a  monument  for  himself. 

He  is  near-sighted;  he  can  see  nobody  but  himself. 


LACONICS  89 


History.    History  should  be  spelled  H-i-s-s-t-o-r-y. 
All  history  is  the  register,  we  find, 
Of  the  crimes  and  lusts  and  miseries  of  mankind. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Most  history  is  a  mixed  mess  of  fact  and  fiction. 
Hit.    How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss ! 

— Men. 

Hobby — hobby-horse.    Every  man  has  his  hobby  if 

it's  only  a  goat. 

No  use  trying  to  put  a  halter  on  a  hobby-horse. 
Get  thee  a  hobby-horse,  be  it  only  a  he-goat. 
Fast  horses  are  expensive  but  hobby-horses  cost 

more. 

Astraddle  his  hobby  he  rides  like  a  Don. 
He  rides  a  hobby-horse  and  thinks  it  a  Pegasus. 
When  he  was  a  little  boy  he  rode  a  hobby-horse ; 

he  still  rides  a  hobby. 

Holiday.     There  is  no  holiday  in   the  calendar  of 

Nature — every  day  is  a  work-day. 
Holiday  was  at  first  a  Holy-day.     It   is  now   a 
jolly-day. 

Home.    A  home  is  home  if  it  is  only  a  hut. 
"Home,  sweet  home" — is  the  song  of  the  bees. 

Homer.    But  for  Homer  we  would  have  no  Hector, 

no  Achilles. 

Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis  said, 
Through   which    the    living    Homer    begged   for 

bread. 

Honesty.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 

It  is  hard  to  be  hungry  and  honest. 

Diogenes  went  with  a  lantern  in  search  of  an 
honest  man.  If  he  had  been  honest  himself  he 
needn't  have  gone  beyond  his  tub. 


go  LACONICS 


None   so  much  resembles   an   honest   man  as   a 

shrewd  rascal. 
He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 

Honey.    Honey  on  the  tongue — money  in  the  purse. 
Honey  is  easily  turned  into  vinegar. 
Flattery  is  honey-tongued. 

Honor.     Honors  may  do  for  small  change  but  they 

won't  pay  the  grocer. 
The  path  to  honor  is  up-hill. 
Great  honors  are  great  burdens,  but  most  men 

think   their   shoulders   broad    enough    to    bear 

them. 

Deserve  honor  and  you  will  honor  yourself. 
Guard  your  honor  as  you  guard  your  life. 
Honor  cannot  long  outlive  honesty. 

Hope.    Lose  hope,  lose  all. 
Hope:  don't  mope. 
The  star  of  hope  lights  the  shadow  of  death. 

For  aye  since  the  morning  of  man — 
Since  the  human  rose  up  from  the  brute 
Hath  Hope,  like  a  beacon  of  light, 
Like  a  star  in  the  rift  of  the  storm, 
Been  writ  by  the  ringer  of  God 
On  the  longing  hearts  of  men. — Lines,  etc. 

Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 

Hope  is   eggs  on  toast  for  breakfast,   meat  for 

dinner  and  bones  for  supper. 
Pity  the  man  who  has  outlived  his  hopes. 

Hornet — hornets'-nest.   Attack  a  hornets'  nest  with 

fire. 

Poke  a  hornets'-nest  with  another  man's  nose. 
As  well  poke  your  nose  into  a  hornets'-nest  as 
mix  in  a  war  among  women. 


LACONICS  91 


Horse.  Don't  buy  a  raw-boned  horse;  you  might 
as  well  try  to  fatten  a  fanning-mill  by  running 
oats  through  it. 

A  he-goat  is  better  than  no  horse. 

Allus  trade  a  ole  hoss  fer  a  young  hoss  an'  git 
suthin  tu  boot. — Bronco  Bill. 

House.    A  house  should  be  built  for  yourself — not 

for  the  eyes  of  others. 

Two  small  rooms  and  lots  of  love  make  a  palace 
for  a  pair. 

Human — humanity.      If   you    would   learn    human 

nature  study  all  manner  of  men. 
We — all    of   us — are    human,    except    the    other 

brutes. 
Humanity  embraces  a  few  wise  men,  many  good 

men,  and  a  lot  of  brutes. 
He    is    hardly   human    who   has    merely   shed   his 

gorilla  teeth  and  his  monkey  tail. 

Hunger.    Hunger  will  make  a  watch-dog  a  thief. 

Hungry.  A  hungry  man  dreams  of  a  feast. 
Hungry  for  hope,  they  gulp  a  moldy  creed 
And  dine  on  faith. — The  Demi  and  the  Monk. 

Hungry  men  are  always  radicals. 
Hungry  for  the  sapless  husks  of  fame. 

Hunt.    Plenty  of  hunting,  but  no  game. 

Don't  hunt  for  trouble — you'll  find  enough  with- 
out. 

He  is  always  hunting  for  a  "soft  job"  while  his 
wife  and  children  are  hunting  for  bread. 

Hurry.  Hurry  and  worry  cost  much  and  accom- 
plish little. 

In  a  hurry,  in  a  flurry. 
Hurry  and  worry — in  any  weather — go  together. 


92  LACONICS 


Husband.    Where  the  husband  is  fire  and  the  wife 

is  tow, 

A  wee  little  match  and  a  wee  little  scratch 
Will  start  a  hot  fire  and  a  deil  of  a  row. 

The  calmest  husbands  make  the  stormiest  wives. 
Honor   the    woman    who    mends    her   husband's 

stockings  and  sews  on  his  shirt  buttons. 
It's  a  poor  coop  where  the  cock  cackles  and  the 

hen  crows. 

Hypocrisy.    Hypocrisy  is  the  mother  of  knaves. 
The   hypocrite   steals   with   one   hand  and    gives 

alms  in  public  with  the  other. 
A  hypocrite   prays  in   public  that  he  may  prey 

upon  his  fellow  men. 
He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 
And  preys  on  the  people  the  rest  of  the  week. 


I 

I  can't.    "I  can't"  never  can. 

Ice.    Cold  as  ice,  cruel  as  a  tigress. 

Ideals.     Dreamed — O    my   soul   and   was   it   all   a 

dream? 

We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
How  often  the  ideal  has  become  the  real. 
The  ideal  precedes  the  real. 

The   "ideal"   led   Columbus  to  the  discovery  of 
America. 

If.     Drop   your   "ifs"   and   your    "buts"   and  butt 

into  it. 

He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 
over  an  "if." 


LACONICS  93 


He  butts  you  with  his  "buts"  and  trips  you  with 

his  "ifs." 
Idle — idleness.     'Tis  worse  than  idle  to  regret. 

Idleness  is  full  of  envy. 

The  indolent  man  waits  for  something  to  turn  up ; 

the  diligent  man  turns  it  up  himself. 
Idol — idolatry.    In  this  age  men  no  longer  kneel  be- 
fore images  of  brass  or  stone,  but  they  still 
have  an  idol — "the  Almighty  Dollar." 

Thou  art  the  god  of  thine  idolatry. 

Idolatry  began  in  the  garden  of  Eden  and  will 
end  only  with  the  end  of  man. 

His  idol  is  idleness. 

Ignorance.      Ignorance    and   superstition   are    twin 
sisters. 

There  is  no  stubbornness  like  ignorance. 

The  ignorant  carry  burdens  for  the  wise. 

The  devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world ;  his  other 
name  is  Ignorance. 

To  be  ignorant  of  your  ignorance   is  the  worst 
ignorance. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 

And  stubborn   Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 

Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Ignorance  and  Fear  go  hand  in  hand. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand ;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 
Ignis   Fatuus.     Don't   chase  an   ignis   fatuus — hoe 
your  potatoes. 


94  LACONICS 


Imagine.     We  easily   imagine  what  we   earnestly 

desire. 

He  imagined  he  had  a  gold  mine,  but  found  it 
only  a  hole  in  the  ground. 

Imitation.     The    monkey   imitates    man   and    man 

imitates  the  monkey. 

Imitation   is   as  good   as  gold    till   some   "hard- 
head" rings  it  on  the  counter. 

Immodesty.     Immodesty  is  become  fashionable. 
What   is  modesty? — it  is  one  thing  among  the 
Hottentots    and    quite    another   among   white 
women. 

Immortality.     And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  be- 
low? 

Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light,  on  angel  wings  to  range 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we 
know. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 

What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 
We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 
But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 
And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth : 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Impatience.    A  little  impatience  pricked  into  some 

men  with  a  hair-pin  might  be  good  medicine. 
I  like  to  see  a  man  a  little  impatient;  he  "means 
business." 

Imperfection.    Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  fault- 
less art ; 
Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites ; 


LACONICS  95 


As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 

So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. — Poetry. 

Impossible — impossibility.      Everything    is    impos- 
sible to  him  who  is  afflicted  with  the  Can' is. 
"Impossible?"  said  Napoleon,  "that  word  is  not 
in  my  dictionary."     He  found  it  at  Waterloo. 

Improvidence.      Go   to   poverty   and    improvidence 

for  dogs  and  children. 

Waste,  idleness  and  improvidence  are  the  banes 
of  the  poor. 

Impulse — impulsive.      Do  it   on  the  impulse   of  a 

week. 

Impulsive  people  make  most  mistakes. 
A  man  or  woman  without  a  generous  impulse  is 
a  relic  of  the  "Ice  Age." 

Income.     See   that  your  out-go  is  less  than  your 

income. 
He  lived  on  his  out-come. 

Inconsistency.    Our  opponents  set  our  inconsistency 

before  us  as  a  stumbling  block. 
It  is  better  to  be  inconsistent  than  to  be  wrong. 
The  man  who  is  never  inconsistent  is  not  made 
of  bones,  blood  and  brains, — he  is  hewn  out  of 
granite,  and  stands  a  dumb  monument. 

Inconstancy.     Constantly  inconstant  and  fickle  as 
a  fly. 

Incredulity.      Wise    men    there    be — for    owls    are 

counted  wise — 

Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 

"It's  true  indade,"  said   Pat,   "but   Oi  don't  be- 
lave  it." 


96  LACONICS 


Indigestion.      Better    have    little    food    for    your 

stomach  than  little  stomach  for  your  food. 
That  little  judge  with  squint  eyes  has  a  wonder- 
ful digestion;  he  has  digested  all  the  digests; 
no  wonder  he  squirms  on  the  bench. 

Individuality.  As  an  individual,  you  are  an  indi- 
dividual;  but  you're  only  a  little  polliwog  in  the 
big  frog-pond. 

Indolence.     Indolence  is  the  dry-rot  of  body  and 

mind. 

Indolence  hatches  a  brood  of  evils. 
Indolence  grows  on  people.    The  more  one  does 

the  more  he  can  do. 
Indolence  is  a  dog's  life. 

Industry.     Industry  is  the  alchemy  that  turns  all 

things  into  gold. 

The  slave,  the  idler,  are  alike  unblessed. 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 

Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use ; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 
And  every  rhymster  thinks  the  saying  true : 
Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid ; 
Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men,  are  made 
Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil. — Poetry. 

Infinite.    We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the 

infinite  future. 
In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Ingratitude.  Ingratitude  is  a  crime  so  shameful 
that  no  man  will  acknowledge  himself  guilty 
of  it. 


LACONICS  97 


Inherit — inheritance.  Leave  your  son  education, 
honesty  and  industry :  they  are  the  best  inheri- 
tance. 

We  inherit  "way  back"  to  the  monkey,  the  croco- 
dile and  the  devil-fish. 

He  inherits  his  follies  from  himself. 

Injury.  He  who  does  you  an  injury  will  never  for- 
give you  for  it. 

If  you  have  done  an  injury,  go  like  a  man,  ac- 
knowledge and  repair  it. 

An  injury  to  the  state  is  an  injury  to  every 
citizen. 

Injustice.     He  that  defends  injustice  commits  it. 
Innuendo.    Innuendo  is  the  argument  of  a  coward. 

Inquiry.  If  you  would  know  your  faults  inquire  of 
your  enemies. 

Insanity.    The  marrow-maddening  canker-worm  of 

love 
Feeds  on  the  brains  of  wise  men  as  on  fools. 

— Men. 

He  is  insane?  of  course  he  is;  everybody  is  in- 
sane. 

There  are  different  degrees  of  insanity — from 
Plato  and  Cato  down  to  the  driveling  idiots 
that  write  "spring  poetry"  for  the  magazines. 

Insignificant.    Even  the  low  hum  of  the  little  mos- 
quito is  significant. 
In  his  own  conscious  insignificance  he  trusts. 

Insight.  Insight  is  the  sixth  sense;  all  the  other 
senses  contribute  to  it. 

Instinct.     Instinct  is  inherited  reason. 


g8  LACONICS 


Behold  the  brutes'  unerring  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole  star,  while  man's  reason  leads 
How  oft  to  quicksands  and  the  hidden  reefs. 

— Men. 

Intention.  They  say  Hell  is  paved  with  good  in- 
tentions; that  kind  of  pavement  would  wear 
out  in  a  week  on  Wall  Street. 

Interest.      Most   men    carry   their    hearts    in   their 

pockets. 
Little   Hebrew — "Vater,   dies  book   say  dot  the 

monish  don't  bring  de  happiness/' 
Father — "Dot  ish  drue,  mein  sohn;  it  ish  not  de 

monish  vat  bring  de  happiness,  it  ish  de  interest 

on  de  monish  vat  bring  de  happiness." 

Intolerable.  Intolerable — a  talkative  man  who  has 
nothing  to  say. 

Irish.  Yer  kin  tame  most  Irishmen  ef  yer  ketch 
'em  early  an'  put  a  halter  on  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

With  big  bar-traps  and  Danemark  dogs 
They  ketched  wild  Irish  in  ther  bogs. 
They  skinned  an'  tuck  ther  hairy  pelts 
Per  bench-rugs  in  ther  ^Eger-Sal : 
They  biled  the  hams  with  cod  an'  clams, 
An'  held  Gut-fest  with  song  an'  brawl. 

—Bronco  Bill  (The  Vikings). 


Jackass.     The  bray  of  a  jackass  is  music  to  the 

whole  herd  of  asses. 

If  he  won't  kick  when  he's  kicked,  he  is  only  a 
donkey. 


LACONICS  99 


Jest.     Jests  are  jests,  but  wasps  are  wasps. 

That  jest  is  a  good  one,  it  has  stood  the  test  of 
time. 

Jim  Hill.  "Jim  Hill  is  a  robber !"  said  the  Governor 
of  Minnesota.  "While  I  am  giving  bread  to 
tens  of  thousands,  you  are  doing  your  'level 
best'  to  pull  down  the  bakery,"  replied  Hill. 

Job.     In  the  cities  men  are  hunting  for  jobs ;  in  the 
country  the  fields  are  crying  for  men. 
He  is  hunting  for  a  "soft  job"  while  his  wife  is 

hunting  for  bread. 
"Be  ye  wantin'  a  job?"  said  the  section  boss  to  a 

tramp.     "Ef  it  be  an  aisy  wan,"  said  the  hobo. 

"Gwon;  ye'll  find  it  in  the  jail,"  said  the  boss. 

Joke.     He  that  laughs  at  his  own  joke  makes  stale 

beer  of  it. 
A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 

Joy.    No  joy  without  annoy :  no  gold  without  alloy. 

Judge.     You  can't  judge  the  inside  by  the  outside. 
If  you  would  justly  judge  the  conduct  of  another, 

get  into  his  shoes. 
A  just  judge  will  have  two  ears  open ;  a  narrow 

judge,  but  one. 
He  is  a  little  judge — just  big  enough  to  wiggle 

on  the  bench. 
Thar's  a  little  squint-eyed  jedge  in  Los  Angeles 

who  kin  see  a  knot-hole  whar  thar  ain't  none,  an' 

crawl  thro  it  himself. — Bronco  Bill. 
A  shrewd  judge  of  men   is   easily   duped  by  a 

woman. 

Judgment.  Wit  and  good  judgment  make  a  strong 
man. 


ioo  LACONICS 


Jury.  The  aim  of  our  laws  and  the  practice  of 
our  courts  is  to  get  twelve  "damphools"  into  a 
jury-box. 

Instead  of  hanging  the  felon  they  "hung"  the  jury. 
A  few  drops  of  salt  water  from  a  woman's  eyes 
often  win  the  verdict  of  a  jury. 

Just.    O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall, 

Like  rain  upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. — Pauline. 

Justice.  Justice  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  cross-eyed 
in  the  other. 

Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  old, 
But  in  her  scales  can  hear  the  clink  of  gold. 

— The  Demi  and  the  Monk. 

How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss. — Men. 
If  you  ask  justice  do  justice. 
Justice  is  the  noblest  virtue  of  all. 
Justice  is  true  mercy :  who  spares  the  guilty,  pun- 
ishes the  innocent. 

Who  judges  others  hastily  condemns  himself. 
Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  cold! 
Oft  with  her  poise  shrewd  villains  play  their  tricks ; 
They  sometimes  touch  her  sacred  scales  with  gold, 
Or  soil  her  sandaled  feet  in  politics. 


K 


Kick.     If  you  kick  all  the  stones  in  your  path  you 
will  have  sore  toes. 

Kill.    To  kill  time  is  to  kill  yourself. 

In  war  both  sides  kill  men  for  God's  sake. 

It  is  easier  to  kill  than  to  cure. 

He  cured  the  disease:  he  killed  the  patient. 


LACONICS  101 


Kindness.    Goats'  milk  is  good  for  invalids,  but  the 
milk  of  human  kindness  is  good  for  everybody. 
Kill  your  enemies  with  kindness. 
Human  kindness  is  sometimes  cruelty. 
The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 

Kindle.    The  heart  is  kindled  by  the  lips  of  love. 
One  little  boy  with  a  fire-cracker  can  kindle  a  fire 
that  the  whole  "Department"  can't  put  out. 

Kingdom.     An  acre  of  earth  is  worth  more  than  a 
kingdom  in  the  clouds. 

Kinsman — kin.    The  rich  man  has  many  cousins. 
You  are  nearest  kin  to  yourself. 
We  are  akin  to  all  mankind  and  second  cousins 
to  the  apes. 

Kitchen.    The  nation  lives  on  the  kitchen. 

The  kitchen  is  the  most  important  room  in  the 

house. 

The  kitchen  costs  less  than  the  parlor. 
A  fat  kitchen  makes  a  pleasant  home. 
Don't  scrimp  the  kitchen  to  put  pictures  in  the 

front  hall. 
A  slut  in  the  kitchen,  a  sloven  everywhere. 

Knave.    Where  fools  are  scarce  knaves  go  hungry. 
He  can  tell  a  knave  by  his  looks — when  he  looks 

in  a  mirror. 
The  biggest  knaves  often  wear  angel  faces. 

Know.     The  more  we  learn  the  less  we  know  we 

know. 
What  you  know  is  a  drop ;  what  you  don't  know 

is  an  ocean. 
What  man  knows  is  but  a  grain  of  sand  in  the 

whole  universe. 
It  is  easier  to  know  what  should  be  done  than 

how  to  do  it. 


102  LACONICS 


He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 

The  man  who  knows  the  least  talks  the  most. 

'Taint  no  use  tu  send  a  brayin'  ass 

Tu  eny  cullege-school, 
Fer  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows, 

Like  eny  ether  fool. — Bronco  Bill. 

Knowledge.    Great  knowledge  is  great  doubt. 
To  acquire  knowledge  and  not  use  it,  is  to  gather 

seed  and  never  sow. 

Boil  your  knowledge   down  into   practical   com- 
mon sense. 
We  can  at  most  know  but  little ;  let  us  know  that 

little  well. 

If  he  knew  more  he  would  know  less. 
Knowledge  begins  with  doubt. 
He  who  knows  but  little  is  a  long  time  telling  it. 
Virtue  is  safe  only  when  armed  with  knowledge. 
Zeal    without    knowledge    runs    into    ditches    in 

broad  daylight. 
If  you  would  know  how  much  any  man  knows, 

find  out  what  use  he  makes  of  it. 
Knowledge  sometimes  comes  too  early — often  too 

late. 
There  are  plenty  of  stumbling  blocks  in  the  path 

of  knowledge. 
I  niver  went  tu  cullege,  but  I  know  the  hoof-end 

uf  a  mool's  hind  leg. — Bronco  Bill. 


Labor.     The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed; 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 

The  cheapest  labor  is  the  dearest. 
Labor  is  light  when  your  heart  is  in  it. 


LACONICS  103 


The  fruit  of  labor  is  sweeter  than  a  stolen  peach. 
A  sacred  right  of  man  is  the  right  to  work. 

Lady.     She  only  is  a  lady  who  is  kind  to  every- 
body. 

It  don't  take  silks  and  satins  to  make  a  lady. 
Nature  makes  ladies,  fashion  makes  fools. 
Lamb.      "Mary  hed  a  little  lamb."    He's  a  ole  sheep 
now.     He  wuz  bornd  in  a  goose-pastur  in  "Hold 
Hingland"    a   hunderd   years    ago. — Bronco  Bill. 

Lame.    Walk  with  the  lame  and  you  will  learn  to 

limp. 

His  excuse  is  lame ;  it  needs  crutches. 
His  argyment  limps  like  a  hoss  on  three  legs. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Land.     He  who  owns  an  acre  of  land  owns  to  the 

center  of  the  earth  and  up  to  heaven. 
Don't  divide  your  lands  till  you  fold  your  hands. 
Your  land  will  not  plow  and  plant  itself  and  har- 
vest the  crop. 
I  have  not  yet  found  the  land  where  lemons  and 

sugar  and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 
Language.     He  can  speak   ten  languages,  but  he 

can't  talk  common-sense  in  one. 
He  can  smatter  in  ten  tongues, — dictionaries  are 

cheap. 
Lark.     A  leg  of  a  lark  is  better  than  the  breast  of 

a  buzzard. 

Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark, 
And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun. — Poetry. 
Last — laster.     "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  sighed  the 

dying  cobbler. 

He  spoiled  at  last  a  skillful  laster, 
To  make  a  durn  poor  poetaster. 


104  LACONICS 


Late.  "Better  late  than  never,"  said  the  priest 
when  the  pardon  arrived  just  after  the  execu- 
tion. 

Laugh — laughter.     If   you   laugh   at   others,    others 

will  laugh  at  you. 

He  laughs  with  one  eye  and  winks  with  the  other. 
Loud  laughter  fits  the  mouth  of  a  fool. 
She  is  so  full  of  laughter  that  she  giggles  at  a 

funeral. 
He  who  is  laughed  at  by  fools  is  praised  by  the 

wise. 

Laughter  is  catching. 
When  you  tell  a  joke  laugh,  and  they  will  all 

laugh — at  you. 

Law.  The  laws  of  man  must  not  conflict  with  the 
laws  of  Nature. 

Laws  grind  the  poor  and  rich  men  grind  the 
laws.  (From  Goldsmith's  line:  "Laws  grind 
the  poor  and  rich  men  rule  the  laws.") 

The  more  laws  the  more  law-breakers. 

The  more  laws  the  more  lawyers;  the  more  law- 
yers, the  less  justice. 

What  power  hath  the  law  without  public  opinion 
behind  it? 

The  multitudinous  meshes  of  the  laws  strangle 
our  liberties. 

We  suffer  alike  from  too  much  law  and  too  much 
liberty. 

Law-suit.      Success   in   a   law-suit    requires   a   big 
purse,    a    sharp    lawyer,    good    witnesses    and 
twelve  of  your  friends  on  the  jury. 
A  bottle  of  beer  is  cheaper  than  a  law-suit. 
Never  buy  a  law-suit;  better  buy  a  suit  of  clothes. 


LACONICS  105 


Lawyer.     The  more  lawyers  the  less  justice. 

The  more  lawyers  the  less  murderers,  and  the 

more  juries,  are  hung. 

He  warms  up  with  Coke  and  mouths  his  Bacon. 
Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and 

the  doctor;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the 

better. 

If  you  want  to  get  into  trouble  consult  a  lawyer. 
Bill  Green  bet  ten  dollars  thet  tew  an'  tew  make 

four.     Lawyer  Quirks  tuck  the  bet,  an'  won  the 

money. — Bronco  Bill. 

Laziness — lazy.    Laziness  is  a  disease  that  requires 

a  prod  to  cure  it. 

A  lazy  man  is  rarely  lazy  at  the  dinner  table. 
A  lazy  man  likes  to  fish. 
A  lazy  man  keeps  three  dogs  and  one  pig. 
A  lazy  man's  wife  milks  the  cow  and  feeds  the 

Pig- 
Most  lazy  men  have  the  "rumytics." 
A  lazy  farmer  is  the  last  to  plow  his  field  and 

sow  his  seed. 

A  lazy  man  is  always  waiting  for  something  to 
turn  up;  the  industrious  man  turns  it  up  him- 
self. 

The  lazy  man  sits  on  a  log  and  waits  for  the  rab- 
bit to  come  to  him. 

A  lazy  man  waits  for  a  ride  in  another  man's 
wagon. 

Lead — leader.     If  you  would  be  a  leader  take  the 

lead. 

A  flock  of  geese  always  has  a  leader. 
The  gander  leads  the  geese. 
A  good  soldier  will  follow  his  leader. 
When  we  think  we  lead  we  are  only  following. 


io6  LACONICS 


In  harvest  let  the  farmer  lead  his  harvesters  and 
his  grain  will  be  garnered. 

When  the  fox  leads  the  geese  there  will  be  plenty 
of  quacking. 

The  captain :  "Boys,  you  are  going  into  hell ;  re- 
member your  country  and  follow  the  flag." 

"Plaze  take  the  lead  yerself,"  said  private  Pat, 

"an'  we'll  folly  ye  te  the  gate,  sor." 
Learn.     Never  too  late  to  learn ;  never  too  old  to 
get  burnt. 

Live  to  learn  and  learn  to  live. 

Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 

A  wise  man  keeps  on  learning  all  his  life. 

Learning.    Learn  alike  from  the  follies  of  the  fool- 
ish and  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 
Learning,   like  gold    coin,   passes  current   in   all 

countries. 

Fill  the  basement  with  common  sense,  and  the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Liberality.      Don't  be   liberal   with    other  people's 

money. 

Be  liberal,  but  don't  forget  to  be  liberal  with 
yourself. 

Liberty.  Liberty  and  Justice  are  Siamese  twins; 
when  one  dies  the  other  dies. 

The  true  pedestal  of  liberty  is  justice. 

When  liberty  slashes  the  scales  of  justice  she  is 
fit  for  a  mad-house. 

The  worst  tyranny  is  Liberty  run  mad. 

Liberty  is  the  right  to  do  right. 

Give  the  ignorant  liberty  and  watch  the  cat- 
fight. 

Liberty  is  no  boon  to  the  ignorant. 

Lie — liars.  The  liar  is  always  a  coward  and  the 
coward  is  always  a  liar. 


LACONICS  107 


Liars  begin  by  deceiving  others,  and  end  in  de- 
ceiving  themselves. 
Out  of  the  womb  of  one  lie  are  hatched  a  whole 

litter. 

He  patches  his  lies  with  bits  of  truth.  , 

Never  tell  a  lie,  but  do  not  always  tell  the  truth. 
The  most  dangerous  lie  is  a  half-truth. 
A  lie  is  a  lie,  no  matter  who  utters  it. 
A  lie  can  not  stand  long  on  one  leg. 
He  that  spins  yarns  like  a  spider  will  get  caught 

in  his  own  meshes. 
It  is  hard  enough    to    maintain    the    truth,    but 

harder  to  maintain  a  lie. 
"Man  everywhere  is  the  born  enemy  of  lies." — 

Carlyle.    And  still  man  is  the  only  liar. 
A  lie  runs  fast,  but  truth  overtakes  it  at  last. 
"They  say"  is  a  liar. 

O  timid  Truth,  that  quails  before  the  fire, 
Thy  face  assumes  the  likeness  of  a  liar. 
One  truth  will  fit  in  with  any  other  truth ;  no  lie 

will  fit  another  lie. 
Never  turn  your  back  on  the  truth  and  always 

face  a  lie. 

Life.     Life  is  the  mystery  of  mysteries. 
He  that  learns  most  lives  longest. 
Is  life  worth  living?    That  depends  on  the  liver. 
Life  is  half  spent  before  we  know  what  it  is. 
All  life  grows  out  of  death. 
Life  is  a  work-day ;  at  sunset,  rest. 
We  can  all  see  how  we  ought  to  have  lived  in 

the  past,  and  how  we  should  live  in  the  future, 

but  few  see  howr  to  live  now. 
We  have  life  from  the  'womb  to  the  grave,  yet 

we  know  not  what  or  whence  it  is. 
Most  men  live  behind  a  curtain. 


io8  LACONICS 


Life  is  about  what  we  make  it. 

Life  is  made  up  of  trifles — take  heed  of  the  trifles. 

Life  is  a  lesson  in  hind-sight. 

Life  is  tragedy  and  comedy  mixed. 

Light.     Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  the  reign  of  reason  is  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Earth  wheeled  her  million  circuits  round  the  sun, 
While  man  from  bestial  dens  and  savagedom 
Slowly  uprose  and  groping  into  light, 
Stood  face  to  face  with  Fate. — Columbus. 
Excessive  light  is  total  darkness. 
Great  light  makes  great  shadows. 
We  stand  in  the  shadow  of  a  great  light. 
Light  and  darkness  are  all  one  to  a  blind  man. 
It  is  idle  to  hold  a  light  for  a  blind  man. 
Lightning.     The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  light- 
ning strikes. 
Lincoln.     From  the  fetters  of  the  slave  he  forged 

the  weapons  of  the  free. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

— Columbus. 

The  hand  was  the  hand  of  Lincoln,  but  the  will 
was  the  will  of  God. 

Link.    A  broken  link,  a  broken  chain. 
We  are  but  links  in  an  endless  chain. 
Through  us  the  infinite  past  is  linked  to  the  in- 
finite future. 
The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain 

of  servitude. 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 
Lion.     A  lion  in  war,  a  lamb  in  peace. 

A  lion  at  a  distance  is  often  a  pussy-cat  when 
you  meet  him. 


LACONICS  109 


A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 
Literature.     What  stacks  of  chaff  to  every  ounce  of 

wheat  the  literary  machines  of  the  day  thresh 

out. 
Most  modern  literature  is  plagiarism. 

Little — little  things.    Don't  be  little  in  great  things, 

nor  great  in  little  things. 
It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after  big  things 

and  neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  all  around 

you. 

Too  much  is  as  bad  as  too  little. 
The    beginnings    of    all    great    things    are    little 

things. 

Load.     A  man  never  knows  his  strength  till  he  has 

carried  a  load. 
No  man  walks  steadily  unless  he  carries  a  load. 

Log-cabin.    A  log-cabin  is  a  palace  if  inhabited  by 

happiness. 

Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log-cabin. 
The  American  nation  was  born  in  a  log-cabin. 

Lone.     Never  so  much  alone  as  when  alone  in  a 

great  city. 

I  have  the  best  company  when  alone  with  good 
books. 

Loquacity.    They  talk  most  who  have  the  least  to 
say. 

Lord.     What  devilish  crimes  have  been  committed 

in  the  name  of  the  Lord. 
He  lords  it  like  an  ass  in  uniform. 
He  lords  it  with  a  brass  band  and  a  big  stick. 
He  lords  it  like  an  ass  in  an  arm-chair. 
He  lords  it  like  a  grizzly  bear  among  a  drove  of 

donkies. 
He's  the  monarch  of  all  he  surveys ; 


no  LACONICS 


His  right  there  is  none  to  dispute; 
From  the  center  all  round  to  the  seas 

He's    the    lord    and    the    fowl    and    the    brute. 

— Parody. 
Lose.     Better  lose  a  leg  than  your  life. 

Loss.     A  loss  is  often  a  gain. 

A  great  loss  is  sometimes  a  great  gain. 
Ef  yer  hain't  got  nuthin'  ye  cain't  lose  much. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Lost.     Where  you  lost  it  is  the  place  to  find  it. 
Don't  waste  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  looking  for 
a  lost  penny. 

Lot.     Be  content  with  your  lot — especially  if  it's  a 
corner  lot. 

Lottery.     In  the  lottery  of  life  the  best  draw  for  a 

poor  devil  is  his  last. 

If  you  have  a  hankerin'  to  play  the  lottery  the 
best  prize  you  can  draw  is  a  blank. 

Love.     The  sweeter  the  moments  the  swifter  they 

fly; 

Love  takes  no  account  of  the  fleeting  hours ; 
He  walks  in  a  dream  'mid  the  blooming  of  flow- 
ers, 
And  never  awakes  till  the  blossoms  die. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  are  a  feast  when  love  sits 

at  the  table. 

Love  and  fear  rule  the  world. 
Love  makes  fools  of  the  wise. 
Love  is  both  credulous  and  jealous. 
Love  covers  many  faults. 
Love  forgives  many  sins. 

— First  Ep.  Peter  (R.  V.},  4-8. 


LACONICS  in 


Calf  love  soon  becomes  sour  milk. 
Love,  like  the  measles,  is  "ketchin." 
Love  at  first  sight  ?    Yer  better  look  twice. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Love-sick.      For    love-sickness   time    and    another 
"dear"  are  the  best  medicine. 

Lubricate.     Lubricate  !  lubricate !  oil  prevents  fric- 
tion. 

Luck.     Luck  comes  to  him  who  works  for  it. 

Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 

Luck  follows  pluck. 

"Pitch  a  lucky  man  into  the  Nile  and  he  will 
come  up  with  a  fish  in  his  mouth,"  says  the 
Arabian  proverb.  They  tried  it  recently  and 
the  poor  fellow  went  down  in  the  jaws  of  a 
crocodile. 

Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  ful  uf  skill, 

Hard  work,  an'  pluck,  an'  luck,  Jim: 

I  niver  knowd  yer  duin'  ill, 

Er  quackin'  like  a  duck,  Jim. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

In  hard  luck  hold  out,  in  good  luck  hold  in. 
One  hour  of  good  luck  is  better  than  a  week's 
work. 

Lust.     Lust  ends  in  disgust. 

Luxury.     Luxury   breeds   lechery. 

Luxury  and  the  arts  flourish  together. 

Luxury! — Luxury! — What  is  luxury? 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  to  a  hungry  man,  a  raw 

fish  to  a  starving  Indian. 
Luxury  breeds  cowards. 
Republics  breed  thieves,  luxury  and  poverty,  and 

end  in  anarchy. 


ii2  LACONICS 


M 

Mad — madness.     All   men  were   mad   but   Burton 

and  he  died  of  "Melancholy." 
Wisdom  and  madness  are  near  akin. 
There  is  only  an  imaginary  line  between  a  great 

literary  genius  and  a  lunatic. 
It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 

Magnanimity — magnanimous.  Be  magnanimous  to 
your  friends  and — your  self. 

Magnanimity  is  wasted  on  a  jackass. 

He  wuz  a  magnannemus  "cuss" ;  a  ole  mool  kicked 
'im  in  the  stumick  an'  he  went  down  on  his  knees 
— an'  prayed  fer  the  mool. — Bronco  Bill. 

Main  chance.     The  main  chance  is  the  best  chance. 

Majority.     The  wise  are  seldom  in  the  majority. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex,  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

— Men. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. 
As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas, 
Like  gnats  they  swarm,  like  flies  they  buzz  and 
breed. — Men. 

Hurra !— Hurra  !— Hurra !— for    "Liberty"  ! 
Flaunt  the  red  flag  and  flutter  the  petticoat; 
Ran-tan  the  drums  and  let  the  bugles  bray, 
The  eagle  scream,  and  ninety  million  throats 
Yell  Yankee-doodle,  Yankee-doodle-doo. — Men. 

The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  rank  tyranny. 


LACONICS  113 


In  the  United  States  the  majority  is  authority. 
The  minority  has  no  rights  which  the  majority 
feels  bound  to  respect. 

Malice.     Malice   strikes  with   venomed  fang. 
He  is  a  little  man  that  harbors  malice. 

Man.     Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims; 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance; 
Through  toil  and  martyrdom  a  million  years 
Struggling  and  groping  upward  from  the  brute, 
And  ever  dragging  still  the  brutish  chains. 
Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind. — Men. 

Where  one  man  is  born  to  lead  ten  thousand  are 

born  to  follow. 
What  is  a  mountain  to  one  man,  is  a  mole-hill 

to  another. 
He  who  berates  mankind  should  remember  that 

he  is  one  of  them. 

A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 
"Gentlemen,"  cried  a  stump  speaker,  "is  not  one 

man  as  good  as  another?" 
"Av  coorse  'e  is,"  shouted  an  excited  Irishman, 

"an'  a  dom  sight  betther." 
In  all  nature  man's  worst  enemy  is  man. 
Man  is  midway  between  an  angel  and  a  brute. 
Man  concentrates   in  himself  the  whole  animal 

kingdom — from  jelly-fish  to  jackass. 
Man  cannot  dispense  with  woman ;  he  couldn't 

be  born  without  her. 

Man  is  a  miracle.     He  had  not  a  hatchet  to  be- 
gin with — Behold  what  he  has  made! 


n4  LACONICS 


Man  considers  himself  the  cause  and  aim  of  Cre- 
ation; so  does  the  mosquito. 

A  man  is  either  good  or  good  for  nothing. 

They  say  a  mule  can't  change  his  mind — mule- 
men  are  numerous. 

Man  is  at  bottom  a  brute. 

"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 
Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 

You'll  never  find  another  brute 

As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." — Henry  C.  Waite. 

Man  is  as  free  as  a  chained  dog. 

Every  man  is  good  for  something,  if  only  to 
laugh  at. 

It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 

Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  writ- 
ten. 
Management      Management  is  the  main  thing. 

Good  management  achieves  success. 

Manhood.     There   is   a  spark  of  manhood   in  the 
meanest  man. 

Manners.     Nothing   pays    better   than    good    man- 
ners. 

Fortune  waits  on  good  manners. 

Nothing  soils   fine   clothes   like  bad  manners. 

Good  manners  are  kindness  and  consideration  for 
others. 

Good  manners,  good  morals. 

Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from 

the  company  they  keep. 

Marriage.     Choose  your  wife  as  you  would  your 
coat,  for  qualities  that  will  wear. 

The  cheapest  labor  is  the  dearest. 

By  the  time  a  man  really  knows  enough  to  marry 
he  knows  enough  not  to. 


LACONICS  115 


The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain 

of  servitude. 
Marriage  is  like  a  bird-cage.     The  birds  outside 

are  anxious  to  get  in,  and  the  "ins"  are  anxious 

to  get  out. 

When  the  man  is  fire  and  the  woman  is  tow 
A  wee  little  match  and  a  wee  little  scratch 
Will  start  a  big  flame  and  a  deil  of  a  row. 
It  is  too  early  to   marry  at  twenty-one,  at  one 

hundred  it  is  a' little  too  late. 
"I  believe  in  marrying  early — and  often,"  said  the 

"grass-vidder." 

Martyr — martyrdom.  If  you  will  be  a  martyr  pro- 
vide for  your  family  beforehand. 

Every  man  is  willing  to  be  a  martyr  in  a  good 
cause — if  he  can  see  money  in  it. 

The  fourteen  poor  women  the  Puritans  hanged 
for  witches  in  Salem  were  martyrs  to  cruel 
superstition. 

Mask.  The  world  is  a  masked  ball,  and  you  are 
one  of  the  dancers. 

The  mask  falls  off  and  behold — the  lion  is  a  jack- 
ass. 

Nature  never  intended  man  to  wear  a  mask — 
she  writes  him  on  his  face. 

Masses.    Politicians  pander  to  the  masses. 
The  masses  follow  the  jackasses. 

Master.    Whatever  good  work  you  undertake,  mas- 
ter it. 
If  you  would  be  master  of  men,  master  yourself. 

Matches.    "Matches  are  made  in  heaven"? 

Mistake,  my  dear,  they  go  off  at  a  scratch  and 
you  soon  smell  brimstone. 


n6  LACONICS 


Matrimony.    His  pulse  beats  matrimony. 
Try  matrimony,  my  dear  little  sonny, 
At  twenty-five  with  a  frugal  wife, 
And  lots  of  love  and  a  little  money. 

The  "outs"  want  in  and  the  "ins"  want  out. 

Matter.     We  are  three — 

Known,  yet  unknown — unfathomable  to  man — 
Time,  Space,  and  Matter  pregnant  with  all  life, 
Immortals  older  than  the  oldest  orb. 
We  were  and  are  forever :  out  of  us 
Are    all    things — suns    and    satellites,    midge    and 
man. — Beyond. 

We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die: 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 

Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 

Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. — Beyond. 

Worlds  wax  and  wane,  suns  crumble  into  dust, 

But  matter  pregnant  with  immortal  life, 

Hath,  since  the  white-haired   centuries  wheeled 

the  vast, 
Nor  lost  nor  gained.    Who  made  it,  and  who  made 

The  Maker?  out  of  nothing — nothing. — Beyond. 

Maxim.      Maxims   are   the    wisdom    of   the    world 

boiled   down. 
Don't  fire  maxims  at  us  with  a  Maxim  gun. 

May-be.    Ten  may-be's  don't  make  one  is. 
May-be's  fly  all  the  year  round. 
May-be's  and  "ifs"  fly  together. 
He  expects  his  honey  from  may-be's. 

Mayor.     If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the 
mayor  and  the  dog-catcher. 


LACONICS  117 


Mean.     The  meanest  man  on  earth  is  he  who  be- 
trays a  friend. 

Means.    If  "the  end  justifies  the  means"  burn  your 
house  to  get  rid  of  the  rats. 

Measure.     Don't  measure  every  man  by  yourself. 
Measure  the  ocean  with  a  drinking-cup ! 
Measure  eternity  by  the  town-clock ! 
Nay,  with  a  yard-stick  measure  the  universe ! 
Measure  for  measure  measure  God  by  man ! — Men. 

Medicine.    A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 

Take  your  "medicine"  like  a  man. 

No  doctor  takes  his  own  medicine. 

The  medicine  that  cured  the  cobbler  killed  the 
tailor. 

A  little  forethought  is  good  medicine  for  a  "sore- 
head." 

Medium.     There  is  a  medium  between  a  fool  and 
philosopher. 

Meet.     Meet  danger  half-way. 

Meet  a  coward  face  to  face  and  he  will  flunk. 
Meet  the  liar  face  to  face. 

Melancholy.    The  melon-colic  days  are  come, 

The  saddest  of  the  year, 
When  bad  boys  jump  the  melon-patch 

With  a  bull-dog  in  the  rear. — Parody. 
Melancholy  ain't  no  good:  take  a  dose  uf  "spirits" 

and  git  rid  uf  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Memory.    It  is  easy  to  forget  what  we  do  not  wish 

to  remember. 

His  forgetery  is  better  than  his  memory. 
Our  memories  are  too  long  or  too  short. 
Let  memory  be  your  monitor. 
He  has  a  long  tongue  and  a  short  memory. 


n8  LACONICS 


Men.     Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and 

forget  your  virtues. 

Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. 

— Men. 

Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

— Men. 

Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves; 
Give  him  the  land  and  he  demands  the  sea; 
Give  him  the  earth,  he  reaches  for  the  stars. — Men. 
I  had  rather  be  a  great  man  in  a  little  house, 

than  a  little  man  in  a  great  house. 
A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 

Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 
Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
There  are  three  kinds  of  men — the  man  that  falls 

back,  the  man  that  sits  on  a  stool  and  grumbles, 

and  the  man  that  strides  forward  with  doubters 

hanging  to  his  coat-tail. 

Men  do  not  lack  strength;  they  lack  courage. 
The  nearer  you  get  to  a  great  man  the  smaller 

he  is. 

Men  are  led  by  their  desires. 
Men  admire  in  themselves  what  they  carp  at  in 

others. 
If  nature  can't  make   men  equal,  how  can  men 

do  it? 
Men  are  rare, — there  are  millions  of  "two-legged 

animals  without  feathers." 

Men  mold  their  virtues  to  suit  their  interests. 
Men  are  only  grown-up  babies. 


LACONICS  119 


Everybody  likes  to  shake  hands  with  a  hand  full 

of  money. 

Men  are  mixtures  of  good  and  evil. 
It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some  fore-sight  and 

a  rare  few  circum-sight. 
Hungry  men  are  always  radicals. 
Little  men  allus  think  they're  ten  times  bigger  thun 

they  air. — Broncho  Bill. 

Mend.  "It  is  never  too  late  to  mend,"  said  the 
cobbler  when  there  was  nothing  left  of  the 
shoe  but  the  string. 

"Never   too  late   to   mend,"  never  too   stout   to 
bend. 

Mercy.      Nature   knows   no   mercy;   her   laws   are 

inflexible. 

Where  there  is  doubt  let  mercy  decide. 
Can  the  merciless  expect  mercy? 

Merit     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 
He  hez  got  a  merit-mark  on  his  neck,  said  Bronco 
Bill,  when  they  hung  the  horse-thief. 

Metaphysics.    What  neither  speaker  or  listener  can 

understand  they  call  "Metaphysics." 
Don't  physic  us  with  metaphysics. 

Method.    Method  is  a  time-saver. 

A  man  without  method  spends  half  his  time  in 
hunting  for  things  mislaid. 

Mettle — metal.     Let  men  know  what  metal  you  are 

made  of. 
He  has  too  much  mettle  for  a  blind  "hoss." 

Midst.     Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 


120  LACONICS 


Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend, 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Blind  in  the  midst  we  grope  and  wait. 
We  only  know  this  midget,  man, 
May  never  trace  the  mighty  plan, 
From  Chaos  to  the  Ultimate. — A  Message. 
Might.     In  war  might  is  the  measure  of  right. 
Right  makes  might  and  might  makes  right. 
Millenium.     "The  Millenium  hez  cum,  Jo ; 
See  thar — the  wolf  lyin'  down  with  the  lamb." 
"I  see  the  wolf,  Bill,  but  whar's  the  lamb?" 
"He's  on  the  inside,  Jo."— Bronco  Bill. 
Millionaire.     One  bottle  of  wine  will  make  him  a 

millionaire. 

A  millionaire — a  profligate  heir. 
Mind.    Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 

use; 

In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 
The  mind  needs  a  change  of  food  as  well  as  the 

body. 

A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 
Mine.    Mine  is  mine  and  thine  is  thine. 

He  has  a  hole  in  the  ground  and  he  calls  it  a 

mine. 

A  mining  deal -is  like  the  Bismarck  Gardens  in 
Chicago  where  it  costs  you  "two  bits"  to  get 
in  and  "four  bits"  to  get  out. 

Minority.    Wise  men  are  always  in  the  minority. 

In  politics  when  the  minority  has  the  chairman 
the  minority  has  the  majority. 

"Mr.  Speaker,  Mr.  Speaker,"  cried  a  member  of 
Congress  when  Tom  Reed  was  in  the  chair, 
"I  doubt  if  this  resolution  has  the  majority." 


LACONICS  121 


"It  has,  sir,"  said  Tom  Reed,  "I  am  the  ma- 
jority." 

The  minority  is  always  on  the  wrong  side. 
Miracle.    God's  works  are  all  miracles. 

A  fact  is  itself  a  miracle. 

Miracles  are  performed  by  mother  Nature. 

That   men   can   believe   in   miracles    is   almost   a 
miracle. 

Miser.    The  miser  does  not  own  his  gold;  his  gold 
owns  him. 

Miserable.     Don't  make  yourself  miserable  today 

because  you  may  hear  bad  news  tomorrow. 
Misery.     Misery  is  in  the  mind.    Who  thinks  him- 
self miserable  is  miserable. 
Mis-fit.    The  wust  fit  any  feller  ever  fell  intu   is   a 

mis-fit  with  a  "grass-vidder." — Bronco  Bill. 
Misfortune.     Our  best  lessons  are  learned  in  mis- 
fortune. 

He  is  fortunate  who  can  bear  misfortune  nobly. 
How    patiently    we    endure    the    misfortune    of 

others. 

Meet  misfortune  with  fortitude. 
He  who  can  bear  prosperity  wisely  can  bear  mis- 
fortune patiently. 
When  misfortunes  come  in  flocks,  fire  a  battery 

of  maxims  at  'em. 
We  spend  half  our   lives  bewailing  misfortunes 

that  never  come. 
In  misfortune  repentance  begins. 
Miss.     Miss  Anthrope  married  Mr.  Crabtree;  their 
children  were  high-bred   (hybrid)  crab-apples. 
Mistake.    Mistakes  and  suffering  give  us  keen  eyes 

and  sharp  ears. 
The  man  that  never  made  a  mistake  is  a  liar, 


122  LACONICS 


Learn  from  the  mistakes  of  others. 

We  proclaim  our  triumphs  and  hide  our  mistakes. 

The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done 

by  mistake. 

Make  your  mistake  a  stepping-stone  to  success. 
Mistrust.     Mistrust,  distrust. 
Moan.    The  song  of  songs  is  a  moan. 
Mob.     The  mob — a  many-headed  brute. 

A   mob  is  a  monster  with  many  heads  and  no 

brains. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind ; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. — Men. 
See  jealous  labor  strike  the  hand  that  feeds, 
And  burn   the  mills  that  grind  their   daily  bread. 

— Men. 
The  mob  is  like  blind  Samson  in  the  temple  of 

Dagon. 

The  fickle  mob  turns  to  every  breeze. 
Where  the  mad  mob  rules  Liberty  runs  mad, 
And  justice  dies.     *     *     *     * 
O  was  the  blood  of  patriot  fathers  shed 
To  found  an  empire  governed  by  the   mob — 
Where  Freedom  falls  and  Anarchy,  instead, 
Teaches  her  hungry  wolves  to  rape  and  rob? 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Modesty.     True  modesty  avoids  a  remote  sugges- 
tion of  evil. 

Modesty  wears  modest  clothes. 
The    belle    of    Wyomin' — Shy  Ann — is   naturly 
modest,  but  she  likes  tu  show  her  red  petti- 
coat.— Bronco  Bill. 

Moments.     Moments  are  the  atoms  of  Eternity. 
Money.     Make  money  your   God  and   it   will   be- 
come your  Devil. 


LACONICS  123 


Nothing  talks  louder  than  money. 

She  who  marries  money  sells  herself. 

He  who  loses  his  money  loses  his  best  friend. 

Money — the  circulating  medium — is  the  life-blood 
of  nations. 

In  the  game  of  Life  money  is  trumps. 

He  that  has  honey  on  his  tongue  will  put  money 
in  his  purse. 

He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  spend  his 
money. 

Be  the  master  of  money,  not  its  slave. 

He  can  find  money  to  bet  on  a  horse  race  when 
he  can't  find  money  to  buy  bread  for  his  chil- 
dren. 

Money  is  worth  what  it  will  buy. 

Monkey.  The  monkey  is  second  cousin  to  all  men, 
and  closer  kin  to  many. 

We  have  descended  (a  long  way)  from  the  mon- 
key. 

Don't  monkey  with  a  buzz-saw. 

If  we  are  no  longer  monkeys  let  us  act  like  men. 

He  appears  to  be  a  cross  between  a  monkey  and 
a  pole-cat. 

Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress, 

He's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. — Trans,  from 
the  Spanish. 

Monopoly.     Monopolies  fatten  a  few  and  beggar  a 

multitude. 

Throttle  the  "Trusts"  and  crush  the  coils  com- 
bined 
That  crack  our  bones  and  fatten  on  our  fields. 

— Men. 

Monument.  In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeav- 
ored to  build  a  monument  for  himself. 


i24  LACONICS 


Moon — moonshine.     Did  you  ever  hear  the  moon 

bark  back  at  the  dogs? 
Moonshine  is  a  thin  diet. 
He  dined  on  faith  and  supped  on  moonshine. 

Mortality.    Dead  in  the  prime  of  his  years, 
And  laid  in  the  lap  of  the  dust ; 
Only  a  handful  of  ashes 
Moldering  down  into  dust. — Lines,  etc. 

Mother.     Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
The  earth  is  the  mother  of  all. 

Mother-in-law.    Philosophy  is  a  cure  for  everything 
but  a  mother-in-law. 

Mother-wit.     Mother-wit  and  daddy-grit 
Will  never  harm  a  boy  a  bit. 

Mother-land.     Living  for  your  mother-land  is  bet- 
ter than  dying  for  it. 

Motive.    Men  are  moved  by  motive. 

Mouth.    His  mouth  is  a  megaphone. 

His  mouth  hez  bin  open  so  long  he  cain't  shet  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Much — too   much.     Make   much  of  the  little  you 

have. 

Enough  is  often  too  much. 
Multitude.     Government  by  the  multitude  is  mob- 

ocracy. 
Must.    "Must"  will  drive  "Can't"  over  a  mountain. 

When  Nature  commands  we  must. 
Myself.     The  best  friend  I  have  is  myself. 
Nature  commands  me  to  defend  myself. 
Mystery.    I  dreamed  a  dream  all  mist  and  mystery. 

— Pauline. 

There  is  no  mystery — only  mist  in  our  eyes. 


LACONICS  125 


N 

Nagging.  Nagging  is  a  bad  habit;  better  be  a 
bore. 

Name.    What's  in  a  name? — Honor  or  shame. 
Where  is  Caesar? — All  that  is  left  is  a  name. 
They  tarred  him  with  a  nickname. 
A  nickname  sticks  worse  than  a  sticking-plaster. 

Nations.  The  American  nation  was  born  in  a  log- 
cabin. 

All  nations  are  kin  and  will  some  day  be  one. 

All  nashins  will  some  day  be  one;  but  thet'll  be 
when  the  uth  is  knocked  intu  etarnity  by  a  comet 
er  a  uthquake,  an'  thar  ain't  nobody  left  but  the 
heathen  Chinee. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nature.    There  is  no  mercy  in  the  laws  of  Nature. 
Nature  demands  a  fair  price  for  everything. 

Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is : 
Who  studies  Nature  may  approach  her  skill : 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill : 
The  finest  works  of   art  are   Nature's  shadows 
still. — Poetry. 

Yea,  in  the  womb  of  Nature  slumber  still 
Wonders  undreamed  and  forms  beyond  compare. 

— Beyond. 

The  wise  man  studies  Nature. 
It  is  folly  to  fight  against  the  laws  of  Nature. 
In  the  scheme  of  Nature  there  is  no  chance  for 

chance. 

The  facts  of  Nature  are  arguments  indisputable. 
Nature  makes  no  mistake ;  everything  is  good  for 

something. 


126  LACONICS 


Drive  Nature  out  at  the  front  door  and  she'll 
come  in  at  the  back. 

Nature  holds  a  mortgage  on  all  of  us. 

Nature  is  always  busy  doing  her  best. 

Nature  is  the  best  philosopher,  the  best  poet,  the 
best  painter. 

Nature  is  the  "Holy  Bible" ;  every  word  in  her 
great  book  is  a  fact  revealed. 

Nature  never  tells  a  lie. 

Every  word  written  in  Nature  is  in  the  hand- 
writing of  God. 

Nature  creates  in  pairs. 

Nature  will  not  adjust  herself  to  us;  we  must 
adjust  ourselves  to  nature. 

Nature  never  pardons. 

Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  writ- 
ten. 

Ole  Mother  Natur  works  every  day  in  the  week : 
she  don't  stop  tu  pray  pra'rs  an'  sing  sams  on 
Sunday. — Bronco  Bill. 

Necessity.    Necessity  is  a  hard  master,  but  a  good 

teacher. 
Yield  to  necessity  with  good  grace. 

Need — needy.    A  friend  in  need  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Bid  the  beggar  come  tomorrow ;  give  to  the  needy 
now. 

Neighbor.  Prosperous  neighbors  make  good  cus- 
tomers. 

He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 

And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 

When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are  con- 
tent with  our  neighbors. 

Self-denial  is  a  great  virtue — especially  in  your 
neighbor. 


LACONICS  127 


Nettle.    The  best  way  to  handle  a  nettle  is  to  grasp 
it  with  a  glove  on. 

New.    'Tis  but  a  new  toot  on  the  same  old  horn 
That  brayed  in  ancient  Greece  and  Babylon. — Men. 

Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 

And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. — Poetry. 

We  pull  down  the  old  monuments  to  build  new 
ones  for  ourselves  out  of  the  material. 

As  the  new  comes  in  at  the  front  door  the  old 
slips  out  at  the  back. 

The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 

Ole  Solomon  said  thar  wuz  nuthin'  new  under 
the  sun;  but  they  didn't  hev  no  yeller  news- 
papers in  his  day. — Bronco  Bill. 

New  England.    New  England  has  become  New  Ire- 
land. 

New  England! — thar's  whar  they  take  a  sheep 
by  the  tail  an'  poke  'im  down  between  the 
rocks  tu  git  a  nibble  uf  grass. — Bronco  Bill. 

News.    If  you  would  hear  news  about  yourself  ask 

the  gossips. 

She  carries  the  news  in  her  hat. 
If  you  wish  to  hear  the  news  of  the  city  go  into 

the  country. 

Most  of  the  news  nowadays  is  manyfacturd  in 
the  top-story  uf  the  newspaper  office. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

No.    "No"  is  shorter  than  "Yes." 

You  can  say  "no"  so  meekly  that   it  is  half  a 

"yes." 
Learn  to  say  "No"  and  save  time  and  trouble. 

Noise.    The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind. 

— Men. 


128  LACONICS 


Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 

Great  noise  and  good  sense  soon  part  company. 
Nose.    A  man  with  a  long  nose  rarely  pokes  it  into 

other  people's  affairs. 
The  long-nosed  pig  is  a  whole  hog. 
Poke  a  hornet's  nest  with  another  man's  nose. 
Ef  yer  want  yer  nose  scratched  stick  it  intu   a 

wimmin's-rights  meetin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nothing — nothingness.     Out  of  nothing,  nothing. 

— Beyond. 

Where  nothing  is  lost  something  is  gained. 
Nothing  is  good  for  nothing. 
Life  gives  us  a  glimpse  into  nothingness. 
Nothing  for  nothing. 

Novelty.     Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. — Poetry. 
Novelties  cost  more  than  bread. 

Now.    All  the  time  you  are  sure  of  is  now. 

The  nick  o'  time  is  now. 
Nut.    Don't  eat  your  nut  before  you  crack  it. 

Every  man  can  find  plenty  of  nuts  to  crack  with- 
out cracking  his  own  "cocoanut." 

Don't  club  the  tree:  the  nuts  have  fallen. 


O 

Oak.    Hearts  of  oak  and  arms  of  steel. 

Up  grew  in  silence  through  a  thousand  years 
The  Titan-armed,  gnarl- jointed,  rugged  oak, 
Rock-rooted. — An  Old  English  Oak. 


LACONICS  129 


For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  bilowy  sea, 
When  sweeps  the  thunder-voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And  roars  through  all  his  grim  and  vast  immen- 
sity.— Poetry. 

Oar.     The  lazy  lubber  lays  on  his  oars  and  waits 
for  the  wind. 

Obedience.     Obedience   to  the   laws   of   nature   is 

health  and  wealth. 
My  feet  obey;  my  heart  rebels. 
He  who  cannot  command  must  obey. 

Oblivion.     Immortal  Fame !  O  dust  and  death ! 
The  centuries  as  they  pass  proclaim 
That  fame  is  but  a  mortal  breath, 
And  man  must  perish,  name  and  fame. — Fame. 

Dust  to  dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost? 
Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 
Proudly  with  averted  head — 
O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 
Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust: 
Dust  to  dust.— Dust  to  Dust. 

Obscurity.     He  reasons  from  obscurity  to  obscur- 
ity. 

Like  the  cuttle  fish  he  seeks  safety  in  obscurity. 
What  matter  if  the  dust  of  ages  drift 
Five  fathoms  deep  above  my  grave  unknown. 

— Poetry. 

Observation — observer.       Observe    closely;    think 

carefully. 

The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 
learns  much. 


i3o  LACONICS 


Obstinacy.     No  ass  so  obstinate  as  ignorance. — Men. 
Perseverance  in  a  good  cause  is  obstinacy  in  a 
bad  one. 

Occasion.    An  occasion  lost  is  lost  forever. 

Catch  occasion  by  the  fore-lock,  she  is  bald  behind. 

Occupation.    Idleness  is  the  mother  of  mischief. 
Do  something  worth  doing. 

Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use ; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed, 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 

Du  suthin  wuth  duin'  ef  it's  on'y  kickin'  yerself. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Ocean.     Measure   the  ocean   with   your   drinking- 

cup? 

What  we  know   is   a   few  drops  of  an   infinite 
ocean. 

Office.    He  who  desires  office  most  deserves  it  least. 

Oil.     Lubricate — lubricate:  oil  prevents  friction. 
Pour  oil  on  troubled  waters. 
There  is  no  medicine  so  good  for  anger  as  a  little 
sweet  oil. 

Old  bird.    An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  gun. 
You  can  tell  an  old  bird  by  her  feathers. 

Old.    The  old  live  in  grave  yards. 

Give  me  an  old  head  and  a  young  heart. 

As  the  new  comes  in  at  the  front  door  the  old 

slips  out  at  the  back. 
The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 
We  pull  down  the  old  to  build  the  new. 

Old  age.    Some  men  are  born  old,  some  never  grow 
old. 


LACONICS  131 


Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
Old  age  crowned  with  folly  is  pitiful. 

Old  story.  That  is  an  old  story:  it  was  told  first 
by  Ananias. 

Opinion.    When  a  man  asks  your  opinion  he  wants 

you  to  confirm  his. 

We  like  the  man  who  is  of  our  own  opinion. 
Opinions  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
Weigh  the  opinions  of  others;   decide  by  your 

own. 
Take  the  opinions  of  others  and  sift  them  through 

your  own  sieve. 
He  who  would  be  right  must  sometimes  change 

his  opinion. 

Opportunity.  A  wise  man  will  make  more  oppor- 
tunities than  a  fool  can  find. 

If  opportunities  were  flying  in  flocks  he  couldn't 
tell  an  opportunity  from  a  black-bird. 

A  wise  man  makes  opportunities  while  others 
are  waiting  for  them. 

Opportunity  may  slip  by  while  you  deliberate. 

A  big  opportunity  rarely  comes  to  a  little  man. 

When  the  opportunity  comes,  come  to  the  oppor- 
tunity. 

Opposition.      Opposition    is    a    whetstone    to    the 

fanatic. 
The  "outs"  are  always  the  opposition. 

Oppression.      For   ages   have    the    learned    of    the 

schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Orator — oratory.     Truth  is  the  greatest  orator. 


132  LACONICS 


His  tongue  has  got  in  the  habit  of  talking  and 
he  can't  hold  it. 

His  mouth  has  been  open  so  long,  he  can't  shut 
it. 

He  has  less  oratory  and  more  noise  than  a  brass 
band. 

He's  a  "spread-eagle"  orator — all  wings  and  tail- 
feathers  and  squawk. 

Order.     Order  is  the  daughter  of  wisdom  and  the 

mother  of  success. 

Perpetual  change  is  the  order  of  the  Universe. 
Order  yourself  and  keep  yourself  in  order. 

Originality.    I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon  the 

rock 
Of  ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. — Poetry. 

Many  authors  are  full  of  original  nonsense. 
Original? — what  is  original? — original  ignorance. 

Ostentation.  The  higher  he  soars  the  more  he  flut- 
ters his  feathers. 

Other — others.    The  "Golden  Rule"  applies  to  your 

neighbor  and  not  to  yourself? 
Confucius  preached  the  "Golden  Rule"  500  years 

before  Jesus  was  born. 

If  you  are  right  let  others  flunk, — "stand  pat." 
Do  your  duty  by  others  if  they  fail  to  do  their 

duty  by  you — it  pays. 
Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes,  too. 

Ourselves.  We  are  too  easily  reconciled  to  our- 
selves. 

We  easily  pardon  in  ourselves  what  we  condemn 
in  others. 

We  build  churches  for  ourselves. 

We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but  not  to  our- 
selves. 


LACONICS  133 


When    we    are   content    with    ourselves    we    are 

content  with  our  neighbors. 
We  own  nothing;  we  have  but  a  short  lease — 

even  of  ourselves. 

Overdo — overdone.  Do,  but  don't  overdo :  over- 
done is  as  bad  as  underdone. 

Owls.     Wise  men  there  be,  for  owls  are  counted 

wise, 

Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 

****** 

These  have  one  argument,  and  only  one, 
For  good  or  evil,  earth  or  jeweled  heaven — 
The  olden,  owlish  argument  of  Doubt. — Men. 

He  blinks  like  a  wise  old  owl  and  says  nothing. 

Own — ownership.     The  man  who  minds  his  own 

business  is  well  employed. 

We   own  nothing;   we   have   but   a   short   lease, 
even  of  ourselves. 

Ox.     Begrudge  not  the  patient  ox  his  corn. 
The  ox  pulls  the  cart  and  the  monkey  rides. 

Oyster.  It  was  a  long  road  from  protoplasm  to  the 
oyster,  and  a  long  time  before  the  oyster  shed 
his  shell  and  walked  on  two  legs. 


Pain.    Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 

Pains.     No  gains  without  pains. 
Take  pains  and  make  gains. 

Pair.     Nature  makes  all  things  in  pairs. 


134  LACONICS 


Parasite.     Men  are  divided  into  princes  and  para- 
sites. 
The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 

Pardon.  Who  pardons  the  guilty  punishes  the  in- 
nocent. 

It  is  easy  for  a  man  to  pardon  himself. 

We  easily  pardon  in  another  the  offence  of  which 
we  ourselves  have  been  guilty. 

Nature  never  pardons;  her  laws  are  immutable. 

Pardon  crowns  the  victor. 

Parsimony.     Parsimony   and   poverty    are    rarely 

bed-fellows. 
Parsimony  is  the  worst  kind  of  poverty. 

Partizans.     Patriots  first,  partizans  last. 

Party.  His  party  has  seven  cardinal  principles — 
five  loaves  and  two  fishes. 

Passion.     Control  your  passions,  or  your  passions 

will  control  you. 

Passion,  like  fire,  under  control  is  beneficial. 
Temper  passion  with  reason. 
Every  passion  is  written  on  the  face. 
Passion  is  the  wild  steed,  reason  the  rider. 
Put  a  bridle  on  your  passions  or  they  will  put  a 

halter  on  you. 
Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 

Past.    An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 

Don't  keep  on  hurrahing  after  the  procession  has 

gone  past. 
Don't  spend  your  time  bemoaning  the  past — look 

ahead. 

We  live  in  the  shadow  of  the  past. 
We  may  mis-read  the  present  by  the  light  of  the 

past. 


LACONICS  135 


We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 

We  stand  upon  the  shoulders  of  the  past. 
Only  the  past  is  certain. 

Path.  It  is  easy  to  follow  a  beaten  path,  not  so 
easy  to  blaze  a  new  trail  through  the  wilder- 
ness. 

Watch  out  for  pit-falls  in  your  path. 

Step  over  the  stumbling-blocks  in  your  path. 

If  you  kick  every  stone  in  your  path  you  will 
soon  have  sore  toes. 

Patience.    If  you  wait  for  the  mountain  to  come  to 

you,  will  patience  bring  it? 

He  who  is  equipped  with  patience  and  persever- 
ance is  equipped  for  work. 
Patience  is  out  of  place  in  a  hornets-nest. 
He  is  over  patient  who  can  sit  calmly  on  a  hot 

stove. 

It  is  idle  to  preach  patience  to  a  drowning  man. 
Patience  is  twin  brother  of  fortitude. 
It   is   easy  to  practise  Christian  patience  when 

your  mother-in-law  has  the  tooth-ache. 
Patience  may  be  good  for  boils  (see  Job)  but  a 

poultice  is  better  for  carbuncles. 
Be  patient,  but  not  pusillanimous. 
Patience   lightens    burdens,   but  if  you    are  too 

patient  they  will  pile  on  more  than  you  can 

carry. 
On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the  patient 

mule  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 
Fortify  courage  with  patience. 
Patience  lightens  the  burden. 
Patience  in  a  swarm  of  mosquitos? 
Patience  is  power. 
He's  as  patient  as  Job's  wife. 


136  LACONICS 


Patriot — patriotism.      "It's    patriotism/'    said   T.R. 

"It's  politics,"  said  Harriman. 
Patriots  first — partizans  second. 

Patriotism  is  the  last  refuge  of  a  scoundrel. 

— Samuel  Johnson. 

Pawn.    Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 

Pay-day.     Every  day  in  the  week  is  pay-day. 
Pay-day  comes  to  every  man — good  or  bad. 

Pay-master.  A  well-tilled  field  is  a  good  pay-mas- 
ter. 

Nature  is  a  punctual  pay-master. 
God  pays  us  what  we  earn. 

Peace.    War  is  just  only  when  we  fight  for  peace. 
Pat  said  "Oi  'm  niver  at  pace  ony  whin  Oi  'm  in 

a  foight." 
"The  Bible  says  there  is  no  piece  for  the  wicked," 

said  the  mother  when  her  bad  boy  begged  for 

a  piece  of  pie. 

Pearls.  He  casts  his  pearls  before  swine,  but  it's 
only  pearl-barley  and  the  pigs  like  it. 

Peculiarity.     Peculiarity  marks  the  man. 

Pedantry.  He  who  likes  to  show  his  learning  to 
the  ignorant  shows  his  ignorance  to  the 
learned. 

Pegasus.     Don't  mistake  an  ass  for  Pegasus. 

Pen.     The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the 

goose-quill  of  Cervantes. 
I  can  give  you  a  pen,  but  I  can't  give  you  brains 

to  use  it. 

It  gin  'im  the  "blues,"  an'  he  tackled  the  Muse, 
An'  he  tuk  a  pen  an'  writ. — Bronco  BUI. 


LACONICS  137 


Penitent.     Beware  of  a  public  penitent. 
The  prisons  are  full  of  penitents. 

Penny.    It  is  a  good  penny  that  saves  the  pound. 
Don't  spend  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  hunting  for 
a  lost  penny. 

People.    The  world  may  be  divided  into  people  who 
think  and  people  who  let  others  think  for  them. 

Give  the  people  perfect  liberty  and  see  the  Kil- 
kenny cat-fight. 

The  "dear  people"  like  to  be  deceived ;  they  suck 
flattery  as  calves  suck  milk. 

Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 

"I  am  fighting  for  the  dear  people,"  said  a  candi 
date  for  Congress.     "How  mony  av  'em  hev 
yez  in  yer  family?"  asked  Pat. 

Perfection.     Perfection  can  only  be  approximated, 
not  attained. 

Perfume.    Kick  a  skunk  and  catch  the  perfume. 

Perpetual  motion.     He  has   solved  the  problem   of 
perpetual  motion — with  his  tongue. 

Perseverance.     Prudence,  patience,  perseverance? 
Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk ;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will. 
Or  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. — Poetry. 

Stick-to-it  will  do  it. 

Patience  and  perseverance  are  better  than  bril- 
liant parts. 

Perseverance  in  a  good  cause  is  obstinacy  in  a 
bad  one. 

Persistence.      Persistence    is    power;    the    tender 
mushroom  will  break  through  hard  clay. 


i38  LACONICS 


Persistent  courage  wins  the  smile  of  fate. — Pauline 

Men    lack   purpose    and   persistence    more   than 

talent. 
On   an  up-hill   road   with   a  big  load   the  little 

donkey  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 

Perverse.     Man  has  a  natural  taste  for  forbidden 

fruit. 

There  are  more  balky  men  than  balky  mules. 
Some  men  are  so  perverse  that  they  will  spend 

their  lives  trying  to  make  water  run  up-hill. 

Petticoat.  Beware  of  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petti- 
coats. 

When  the  wife  wears  the  pants  who  wears  the 
petticoats? 

He  is  a  sneak  who  hides  under  his  wife's  petti- 
coats. 

"An'  he  rid  on  a  side-saddle 

In  petticoats — half  a-straddle." — Bronco  Bill. 

Philosophy — philosopher.  Philosophy  won't  ease  a 
boil  under  the  seat  of  your  pants. 

Philosophy  may  do  for  breakfast,  but  it's  a  poor 
dinner. 

When  your  friend  has  the  toothache  give  him  a 
dose  of  philosophy  and  watch  the  effect. 

To  discover  and  practise  good  is  true  philosophy. 

A  man  may  talk  like  a  philosopher  and  live  like 
a  fool. 

Philosophy ! — philosophy ! — Diogenes  starved  in 
a  tubful  of  philosophy. 

The  philosopher  can  patiently  endure  his  mother- 
in-law's  toothache. 

Rocky-feller  found  the  philosopher's  stone  in  an 
oil-well. 

The  man  who  is  content  is  a  true  philosopher. 


LACONICS  139 


Physic — physician.     The  more  physic  the  worse  for 

the  patient. 
Physicked  with  metaphysics. — Men. 

Call  one  doctor  and  you  may  live ;  call  two  and — 

make  your  will. 
Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 

dead. 

Pig.     Every  pig  to  his  own  pen. 

The  biggest  pig  I  ever  saw  walked  on  two  legs. 
The  runt  pig  of  a  litter  of  pig-mies. 

Pilot.     Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  pilot? 
He's  a  good  pilot  in  a  mill-pond. 
Pilot  your  own  life-boat. 

Pit.     Who  digs  a  pit  for  others  may  fall  into  it 
himself. 

Pity.     Pity  not  the  dead  but  the  living. 

He  pities  the  pore,  but  he  makes  'em  pay  fer  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Plagiarism.    If  plagiarism  were  a  capital  crime  few 
modern  authors  would  escape  the  hangman. 

Plans.    The  best  of  plans  may  be  spoiled  in  execu- 
tion. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 

Play.     Play  the  lion  with  lions  and  the  fox  with 

foxes. 

If  you  want  to  play  into  the  hearts  of  the  "dear 
people"  play  a  brass  band. 

Please — pleasure.    Our  greatest  pleasure  is  in  pleas- 
ing others. 

Everything    goes   by   pairs — pleasure   and    pain, 
good  and  evil. 


140  LACONICS 


The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 
Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self  same  tune 
Forever. — Change. 

The  most  delicious  fruits 
Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 
And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. — Change. 

Pleasure  and  pain  grow  on  one  stem. 

Did  ever  any  man  please  everybody? 

There  are  few  men  who  can  please  even  them- 
selves. 

There  is  more  pleasure  in  a  good  deed  done 
than  in  the  applause  of  the  million. 

Pledge.    The  streets  are  paved  with  broken  pledges. 
A  bad  pledge  is  better  broken. 

Plow — plowman.    He  plows  with  a  pencil  and  reaps 

with  a  pen. 

His  plow  handles  are  too  long,  he  lives  in  the 
city  and  his  farm  is  fifty  miles  away. 

Ah  blithesome  plowmen  whistling  on  the  glebe, 
Ah  merry  mowers  singing  in  the  swaths, 
Sweet,  simple  souls  contented  not  to  know, 
Wiser  are  ye  and  ye  may  teach  the  wise. 

— O  let  me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago. 

Pluck.     Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 

Pluck  and  luck  make  a  strong  team. 

When  the  peach  is  ripe  it  is  time  to  pluck  it. 

Plum.     He  goes   to  the  plum  tree  for  pears  and 

the  pear  tree  for  plums. 
'Taint  every  plum  thet's  wuth  pickin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Plunder.  He  who  plunders  thousands  thinks  he 
does  a  generous  deed  when  he  doles  out  pen- 
nies to  the  poor. 


LACONICS  141 


Pocket.     I  put  my  hand  in  my  pocket  and  find  a 

friend. 
Keep  your  best  friend  in  your  pocket. 

Poet — poetry.     The  grandest  poem   is   God's  uni- 
verse : 
In    measured    rhythm    the    planets    whirl    their 

course  ; 

Rhythm  swells  and  throbs  in  every  sun  and  star, 
In  mighty  ocean's  organ-peals  and  roar, 
In  billows  bounding  on  the  harbor-bar, 
In  the  blue  surf  that  rolls  upon  the  shore, 
In  the  low  zephyr's  sigh,  the  tempest's  sob, 
In  the  rain's  patter  and  the  thunder's  roar; 
Aye,  in  the  awful  earthquake's  shuddering  throb, 
When  old  Earth  cracks  her  bones  and  trembles 

to  her  core. — Poetry. 
All  poetry  must  be,  if  it  be  true, 
Like  the  keen  arrows  of  the  Grecian  God 
Apollo,  that  caught  fire  as  they  flew. — Poetry. 
Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 
And  every  rhymester  thinks  the  saying  true; 
Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid; 
Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men,  are  made 
Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil.     Few 
Have  the  true  metal,  many  have  the  fire. — Poetry. 
No  slave  or  savage  ever  proved  a  bard ; 
Men  have  their  bent,  but  labor  its  reward. — Poetry. 
The  poet's  brain  with  spirit-vision  teems; 
The  voice  of  nature  warbles  in  his  heart ; 
A  sage,  a  seer,  he  moves  from  men  apart, 
And  walks  among  the  shadows  of  his  dreams. 

— Poetry. 

Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.     Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor,  is  the  same: 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 


142  LACONICS 


What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 
Poetry  is  truth  set  to  music. 
Workmen  are  plenty  but  the  masters  few. 
He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in  vain 
Who  hath  no  dust  of  diamonds  in  his  brain. 

— Poetry, 

Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 
Poetaster.     "Poeta   nacitur   non    fit."     Such  a  poet 

is  a  born  misfit. 

See  dapper  poets  hurrying  for  their  dimes 
With  maudlin  verses  tinsel-tipped  with  rhymes. 

— Poetry, 

He  climbs  a  tree  to  catch  moonshine. 
I  hear  loud  voices  and  a  clamorous  throng 
With  braying  bugles  and  with  bragging  drums — 
Bards  and  bardies  laboring  at  a  song. 
One  lifts  his  locks  above  the  rest  preferred, 
And  to  the  buzzing  flies  of  fashion  thrums 
A  banjo.     Lo  him  follow  all  the  herd. — Poetry. 
Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre, 
Who  sails  on  land  and  gallops  on  the  blast, 
And  mounts  the  welkin  on  a  braying  ass, 
Clattering  a  shattered  cymbal  bright  with  brass, 
And  slips  his  girth  and  tumbles  in  the  mire. 

— Poetry, 
He  wuz  a  spring  poet.    He  went  out  in  the  goose- 

pastur,  an'  mouthed  his  pome,   an'   yer  orter 

heard  the  geese. — Bronco  Bill. 
Policy.     Lubricate  the  tongue;  it  takes  oil  to  run 

the  machine. 
"My  policy"  is  himself. 
Labor  is  light  when  your  heart  is  in  it. 

Politeness.    Over-politeness  is  hypocrisy. 
Studied  politeness  is  boorish. 
Kindness  is  politeness  everywhere. 


LACONICS  143 


Politics — politicians.    In  the  game  of  politics  money 
is  trumps. 

*     *     *     Hear  the  demagogues 
Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 
Hear  the  old  bandogs  of  the  Daily  Press, 
Chained  to  their  party  posts,  or  fetter  free 
And  running  amuck  against  old  party  creeds, 
On-howl  their  packs  and  glory  in  the  fight. 
See  mangy  curs,  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 
Slang-whanging  yelp   and   froth    and   snap    and 

snarl. 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. — Men. 

I  sings  mein  leetel  song — "Reform"; 
Dot  shakes  der  goundry  like  a  storm; 
I  makes  die  peobles  all  belief 
I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief. — C.  S.  (Ms.) 

Politics  makes  men  cowards. 
Politicians  play  and  the  people  pay  the  piper. 
Politicians  pander  to  the  weak  side  of  the  masses. 
A  politician  is  like  a  dog  in  a  wheel. 
The  women  hev  gone  inter  pollytics,  an'  the  pore 
men'll  hev  tu  nuss  the  babies. — Bronco  Bill. 

Why    these    parades,    brass-bands    and    braying 

drums, 

These  frantic  howls  from  pulpit,  stage  and  slums? 
What  is  the  matter?    What's  it  all  about? 
One  side  is  in  and  t'other  side  is  out. 

I've  bin  thinkin',  Jim,  'bout  politics 

An'  patriots  an'  sich, 
An'  how  they  promise  nugget  gold, 

An'  give  us — gilded  bricks. — Bronco  Bill. 


144  LACONICS 


Poor.     A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 
It's  hard  to  be  hungry  and  honest. 

Populace.  Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hap- 
less land. 

The  yelping  curs  that  bay  the  rising  moon 
Are  not  more  clamorous  and  the  fitful  winds 
Not  more  inconstant. — Men. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar; 
As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas; 
Like  gnats  they  swarm,  like  flies  they  buzz  and 
breed. — Men. 

The  populace  are  either  tooting  tin  horns  or 
crawling  on  their  bellies. 

The  populace  judge  from  passion,  fashion  and 
prejudice. 

As  with  poor  wine  so  with  the  populace,  agita- 
tion brings  the  dregs  to  the  top. 

Popular — popularity.  Popular  opinion  is  like  a  pen- 
dulum— always  seesawing. 

Popular  praise  is  a  puff  of  wind. 

A  popular  man  makes  everything  he  advocates 
popular. 

A  popular  man,  right  or  wrong,  has  many  fol- 
lowers. 

If  you  want  to  be  popular  hire  a  brass  band  and 
swing  a  "big  stick." 

Posterity.     "Gintlemin,  Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  an- 
cestors,"  said   Pat,   "but   Oi  kin  boasht   av   me 
posterity,  fer  Biddy  an'  me  hez  twinty  wan  av 
'em." 
"What  has  posterity  done  for  us?" 

— Sir  Boyle  Roche. 


LACONICS  145 


Potatoes.      Buttered   baked   potatoes   grow   in   the 

garden  of  fools. 

Ah,  sweet  content, — the  blessing  of  the  blest — 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table — east  or  west — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 
His  family-tree  is  like  a  potato  top. 

Poverty.     If  you   would   keep   from   poverty   keep 
out  of  debt. 

Poverty  rocked  the  cradle  of  most  great  men. 

Poverty  makes  men  cowards. 

Republics  breed  both  luxury  and  poverty. 

Poverty  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 

Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
Power.      Patience,    pluck    and    perseverance    are 

power. 
Practice.     Many  preach,  few  practice. 

Practice  what  you  preach. 

The  doctor  practices  on  his  patients. 

Praise.     Praise  him  and  he  will  praise  you. 
He  who  listens  for  praise  will  hear  dispraise. 

Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 
Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  sweet  praise  or  calumny- 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care? 

—Poetry 

Praise  God  by  righteous  deeds  and  brother-love. 

— Men 

Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue  never. 
Virtue  starves  on  hollow  praise. 
Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 
He    who    disparages    himself   to   others    expects 
praise. 


146  LACONICS 


Let  your  praise  come  from  the  mouth  of  a  friend. 
The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the  praise 

of  a  fool. 
It  is  easier  to  get  praise  than  to  earn  it. 

Prayer.  The  same  immutable  laws  that  govern  the 
sun  and  his  planets  govern  all  things. 

Can  prayer  reverse  the  seasons,  or  turn  night 
into  day? 

Prayer  is  the  plea  of  ignorance. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  weak  and  variable. 

All  my  prayers  are  one — 

Father,  thy  will  be  done. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  human. 

Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Storm  over,  prayers  over. 

Prayer  is  a  complaint  against  Providence. 

Pray,  pray — but  don't  prey  on  your  friends. 

Precedent.    The  olden  precedents—- 
Oft stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

— Pauline. 

Precedents  are  not  proofs. 
Precedents  are  often  stumbling  blocks. 
Better  make  a  good  precedent  than  follow  a  bad 

one. 

Progress,  not  precedent. 
"To  follow  foolish  precedents,  and  wink 
With  both  our  eyes,  is  easier  than  to  think." 

— Cowper. 

Precept.    The  entire  New  Testament  may  be  boiled 
down  into  one  precept   (borrowed  from  Con- 
fucius)— "Do  unto  others  as  you  would  have 
others  do  unto  you." 
Let  your  practice  precede  your  precepts. 

Precipice.    A  precipice  before  and  fire  in  the  rear. 


LACONICS  147 


Precipitate.  He  is  too  precipitate  who  goes  off 
"half-cocked." 

Prejudice.  When  we  cast  off  an  old  prejudice  we 
are  apt  to  take  on  a  new  one. 

Prepare.     Be  always  prepared. 

Be    prepared    both    for    your    friends    and    your 

enemies. 

Prepare  your  ground  before  you  sow  the  seed. 
Prepare  for  the  storm  ere  it  cometh. 
Prepare  to  be  disappointed. 
He  is  prepared  who  is  always  on  guard. 

Present — presents.  Make  good  use  of  the  present 
and  the  future  will  be  provided  for. 

We  sometimes  misread  the  present  by  the  light 
of  the  past. 

Pay  your  debts  first  and  make  presents  after- 
wards. 

Press.    A  newspaper  is  simply  the  mouth-piece  of 

the  man  behind  it. 
The  newspaper  "is  a  power  in  the  land"  for  good 

or  evil. 
People  have  quit  reading  the  Bible  and  gone  to 

reading  newspapers. 

Is  this  the  golden  age  or  the  age  of  gold? 
Lo  by  the  page  or  column  fame  is  sold. 
Hear  the  big  journal  braying  like  an  ass; 
Behold  the  brazen  statesmen  as  they  pass. — Poetry. 

See  mangy  curs  whose  editorial  ears 

Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 

Slang-whanging   yelp    and   froth    and    snap   and 

snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. — Men. 


148  LACONICS 


The  press  is  the  mill  that  grinds  the  grist  the 
boss-miller  wants  ground. 

Presume — presumption.     Don't  presume  too  much 
on  the  weakness  of  your  enemy  or  the  strength 
of  your  friend. 
Presumption  leaps,  knowledge  creeps. 

Pretense.     Loud   crowing  and   flapping  of   wingQ, 
but  he  never  gets  above  his  dung-hill. 

Prevention.     It  is  better  to  prevent  than  to  punish. 

Price.    A  "cut"  price  is  a  pick-pocket. 

If  you  "go  the  pace"  you  must  pay  the  price. 
Every  man  has  his  price  if  it  is  only  "two  bits'  " 
worth  of  flattery. 

Pride.    Ignorance  is  the  mother  of  pride. 

The  littler  man,  the  greater  his  pride. 

Pride  pays  two  per  cent,  per  month  to  conceal 
his  poverty. 

Pride  is  a  weed  that  grows  rankest  on  a  dung- 
hill. 

He  wore  a  diamond  on  his  busom  an'  tew  patches 
on  the  seat  nf  his  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Prince.     Every  prince  has  his  parasites. 
Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind. 
To  one  wise  prince  a  million  parasites. — Men. 

Principal.    His  principal  business  is  poking  his  nose 

into  other  people's  business. 
His  principal  business  is  killing  time. 

Principle.    His  principle  is  to  add  compound  inter- 
est to  his  principal. 
Men  of  principle  should  be  the  principal  men. 

Probability.      Two    probabilities    don't    make    one 
fact. 


LACONICS  149 


Procrastination.     Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than 

ten  seconds  behind. 
The  procrastinator  dies  deliberating. 
Precipitancy  and  procrastination  are  equal  faults. 

Prodigal — prodigality.  Pinching  economy  saves  for 
prodigality,  and  prodigality  runs  down  hill  to 
penury. 

When  the  prodigal  returns  to  the  family  fold, 
Take  the  poor  hungry  sinner  in  out  of  the  cold; 
Kill  a  hen  or  a  calf,  put  a  bottle  on  ice, 
And  call  him  to  dinner  and  give  him  a  slice. 

Profanity.  Profanity  is  a  brutal  vice  and  a  sure 
sign  of  bad  breeding. 

Profess.     Profess  nothing  you  are  unable  to  do. 
Better  possess  than  profess. 

Profit.     Profit  by  the  mistakes  of  others. 

You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 
yourself. 

A  prophet  without  profit. 
Profuse.    He  that  is  profuse  is  rarely  profound. 

Progress.  Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  truth  ad- 
vance, 

And  conquering  Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stubbon  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Progress,  not  precedent. 

We  hev  got  tu   the   pint   in  pbllytics   whar   we're 
progressin'  back'ards. — Bronco  Bill. 

Promise.     Slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  perform. 
Hooks  baited  with  promises  catch  gudgeons. 
He  that  promises  too  much  means  nothing. 
Promise   may   make   a    friend,   performance   will 
keep  him. 


ISO  LACONICS 


Promises  are  cheap,  performance  dear. 

Perform  first,  promise  afterwards. 

A  promise  is  poor  payment. 

Swift  to  promise,  slow  to  perform. 

He  lives  in  the  land  of  promise  and  eats  roast 
chickens  before  they  are  hatched. 

A  promise  is  a  debt. 

Better  a  dollar  today  than  a  promise  of  two  to- 
morrow. 

Prompt — promptness.    Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead 
than  ten  seconds  behind. 

Be  slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  fullfil. 

Property.     Property  has  its  duties  as  well  as  its 

rights. 

The  individual  ownership  of  property  is  the  foun- 
dation of  civilization. 

Prophet.     Prophets  seldom  profit  by  their  prophe- 
cies. 

The  woods  are  full  of  prophets. 
Thar  ain't  no  profit  in  a  prophet  whose  prophe- 
cies air — "I  told  yer  so." — Bronco  Bill. 

Propitious,     Watch  for  the  propitious  time. 

Prosperity.    They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap 

in  prosperity. 
Beware  of   the   prosperity   that  loads  you  with 

debt. 

In  prosperity,  economy ;  in  adversity,  fortitude. 
He  who  is  insolent  in  prosperity  will  be  a  coward 

in  adversity. 
In  prosperity  friends  flock  to  you;  in  adversity 

they  scatter. 

Hard  work  is  still  the  road  to  prosperity. 
Prosperity  is  the  touchstone;  it  will  prove  the 

metal  a  man  is  made  of. 


LACONICS  151 


All  classes  are  benefited  by  the  prosperity  of  one. 
What  prosperity  conceals  adversity  reveals. 
A  lamb  in  prosperity,  a  lion  in  adversity. 
In  adversity  calm;  in  prosperity  calm. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends,  in  advers- 
ity they  will  beware  of  you. 

Protect.     Protect  the  toiling  millions  by  just  laws. 

— Men. 

Protection.     Put  up  the  bars;  bar  out  the  pauper 

hordes ; 

Bar  out  their  products  that  compete  with  ours. 
Give  honest  toil  at  home  an  honest  chance; 
Build  up  our  own  and  keep  our  coin  at  home. 
In  vain  our  mines  pour  forth  their  tons  of  gold 
And  silver,  if  by  every  ship  they  sail 
For  London,  Paris,  Birmingham  and  Berlin. — Men. 

Protection  shears  our  sheep ;  free-trade  skins 
them. 

Proverbs.  Proverbs  are  the  condensed  wisdom  of 
ages. 

Proverbs,  wisdom  boiled  down. 

Patch  poverty  with  proverbs. 

Shakespur  wuzn't  no  poet  like  me,  Jo;  he  picked 
all  the  best  bones  outer  the  proverbs,  an' 
biled  'em  with  Bacon. — Bronco  Bill. 

Providence.  God  tempers  the  shorn  lamb  to  the 
winds. 

Hope  and  trust; 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust : 
Ah  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan: 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just; 

Hope  and  trust. — Dust  to  Dust. 


152  LACONICS 


The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
Or  ever  wilt.     Content  thee;  let  it  be; 
Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. — Beyond. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  past  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Stretch  forth  thy  hand,  O  man, 

To  the  winds  and  the  quaking  earth — 

To  the  heaving  and  falling  sea — 

To  the  ultimate  stars — and  feel 

The  throb  of  the  spirit  of  God — 

The  pulse  of  the  Universe. — Lines,  etc. 

Rev.  Mr. — "Trust  in  Providence,  sister." 
Deaf  old  Lady:  "I  kin  du  better  fer  cash." 
Plant  and  till  your  garden  well  and  Providence 

will  give  you  a  crop. 
If  you  leap  into  the  sea,  Providence  is  not  bound 

to  fish  you  out. 

Prudence.     Prudence  is  the  pivot  on  which  a  wise 

man  turns. 

Fortitude  and  prudence  make  a  good  span. 
Fortune  is  the  friend  of  prudence. 
Presumption  leaps,  prudence  creeps. 

Psalm.     All  the  grub  that  war  left  fer  them  pore 

shorn  lambs 

War  a  ferkin  of  pickled  herrin'  an'  clams, 
One  ole  black  Bible  an'  a  Book  uf  Sams, 
An'  forty  bar'ls  uf  Holland  gin. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  153 


An'  the  fust  thing  he  did — thet  Puritan  kid — 
Arfter  singin'  a  sam  an'  prayin'  a  pra'r, 
War  tu  shute  a  Injun  an'  skelp  his  har; 
An'  Captin  Standish  an'  Elder  Brewster 
They  patted  thet  kid  an'  called  'im  'The  Ruster." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  choir  sang  a  psalm  of  praise — for  themselves. 

Public.    Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  fickle  mas- 
ter. 
Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  poor  paymaster. 

Public  Opinion.     In  a   republic   public   opinion  is 

boss. 

Nothing  is  more  capricious  than  public  opinion. 
Men  will  face  shot  and   shell   rather  than  face 

public  opinion. 

Pudding.    Keep  your  fingers  out  of  my  pudding. 
He's  a  puddin'-head  without  plums. 

Pull  down.     Pull  down  the  toiler ;  lift  the  idler  up  ? 

— Men. 

The  play  is  over ;  pull  down  the  curtain. 
Pull  down  the  hawk's  nest  before  the  eggs  are 

hatched. 

Pull  down  the  hornet's  nest  with  a  long  pole. 
A  fool  can  pull   down  faster  than   a  wise  man 
can  build  up. 

Pull  up.     It  is  easier  to  pull  down  than  to  pull  up. 
It  is  hard  pulling  up  hill. 

Pun.     There's  a  bit  of  fun  in  a  witty  pun. 
He  is  full  of  pickled  puns. 

Punctual — punctuality.  If  you  would  catch  the 
train  better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than  ten  sec- 
onds behind. 


154  LACONICS 


Make  punctuality  a  cardinal  rule. 
He  wuz  allus  punctooal  at  "grub-time." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Punishment.     To  pardon  the  guilty  is  to  punish 

the  innocent. 

He  who  sins  inflicts  his  own  punishment. 
Nature  never  pardons;  she  punishes. 
Punish  crime  to  prevent  crime. 

Pure — purity.     The  finest  diamonds  have  flaws. 
There  are  spots  on  the  sun. 
She  is  pure  as  snow,  and — as  cold. 
If  you  want  pure  water  go  to  the  fountain-head. 

Puritanical.      Puritanical    purity    is    like    snow — it 
freezes. 

Puritan.    The  old  Puritans  tried  to  get  to  Heaven 
on  a  bridge  of  sighs  and  psalms. 

He  kim  over,  a  kid,  in  the  Mayflower  flock; 
In  a  blizzard  they  landed  on  Plymouth  Rock. 
They  war  out  at  the  toes  an'  jist  about  froze, 
An'  hed  a  cant-tankerous  twang  in  the  nose. 
All  the  grub  thet  war  left  fer  them  pore,  shorn 

lambs 

War  a  ferkin  uf  pickled  herrin'  an'  clams, 
One  ole  black  Bible  an'  a  Book  uf  Sams, 
An'  forty  bar'ls  uf  Holland  gin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Purpose.    Work  to  a  worthy  purpose  and  you  will 

prosper. 

Men   lack    purpose    and    persistence    more   than 
talent. 

Pursuit.     It  don't  pay  to  pursue  an  express  train 

with  a  hand-car. 
Half  the  pleasure  is  in  the  pursuit. 


LACONICS  155 


Push.    Push  your  way — strike  the  iron  till  it  is  hot. 
When  yer  agin  the  pricks  don't  push. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Pygmy.     We  only  know  that  we  are  men — 

Midge-midgets  on  this  grain  of  sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser  sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey  His  hand. — Message. 

Most  men  are  pigs;  all  men  are  pygmies. 
He  wuz  the  runt  pig  uf  a  litter  uf  pig-mies. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


Quack.  Quack  quackles  quack  when  doctors  dis- 
agree. 

The  quack  is  full  of  remedies  for  imaginary  ills. 

Every  quack  quacks  and  the  biggest  quack 
quacks  the  loudest. 

Thet  quack's  quack  won't  kill  yer  ef  yer  don't 
take  his  pills. — Bronco  Bill. 

Quarrel.    When  steel  strikes  flint  the  sparks  fly. 
It  takes  two  to  quarrel. 

He  who  quarrels  with  a  skunk  will  get  perfumed. 
In  every  quarrel  both  sides  are  to  blame. 
It  don't  always  take  two  to  have  a  quarrel,  a 

man  can  quarrel  with   himself,   and  often   he 

ought  to. 

Question.     The  quibbler  quirks  the  question. 
A  prudent  question  is  a  proof  of  wisdom. 

Quotation.     An  apt  quotation  is  always  short. 
How  glibly  the  devil  quotes  Scripture ! 
Better  not  quote  than  misquote. 
He  quotes  Scriptur  like  a  pulpit  polytician. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


i56  LACONICS 


R 

Rabid — rabies.    The  very  babes  bark  rabies. — Men. 
Thet  "reformer"  rants  like  he  hed  the  rabies. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Rage.     Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Rage  is  for  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Rain.     Let  it  rain,  we  are  water-proof. 

O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall — 

Like  rain,  upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. — Pauline. 

No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 

Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 

Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. — Beyond. 

One  dumb,  lone  lark  sits  shivering  in  the  rain. 

— O  Let  Me  Dream,  etc. 

If  it  rained  gold  coins  he  wouldn't  be  ready  to 

catch  them. 

If  it  rained  ducks  his  gun  wouldn't  be  ready. 
The  rain   does  not   fall   "where   it   listeth,"   but 

where  the  law  of  gravitation  draws  it. 
Let  'er  rain;  us  cowboys  ain't  made  outer  sugar. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Ramparts.     Thet   gran'   ole    man,   brave    Brigham 

Young ! 

He  sweetly  thar  reposes: 
He  war  a  bigger  man  thun  Humer  sung, 
An'  a  better  man  thun  Moses. 
An'  when  they  sent  a  army  here — 
Thet  thar  ole  bump — Buchanan — 
He  found  in  thet  brave  pioneer 
That  these  ram-parts  hed  a  man  on. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cozv-Boy  Ballads. 


LACONICS  157 


Ramshackle.    In  thet  thar  ole  ram-shackle 
Them  Mormons  call  "The  Tabernacle." 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 

Rank.     Rank  goes  by  favor. 

"I  out-rank  you,"  said  the  skunk  to  the  badger. 
His  offense  is  rank,  it  smells  of  garlic. 

Rascal.    No  one  so  much  resembles  an  honest  man 
as  a  shrewd  rascal. 

Rash.     Be  neither  rash  nor  timid. 

May  you   never  grow  old   till   the    end  of  Old 

Time; 
May  you  never  be  cursed  with  an  itching  for 

rhyme, 

For  in  spite  of  your  physic,  in  spite  of  your  plas- 
ter, 
The  rash  will  break  out  till  you  go  to  disaster. 

— New  Years'  Address. 

Rattle.     Let  'im  rattle  his  little  tin  rattle, 

An'  root  on  his  little  tin  horn; 
He  hez  allus  rattled  an'  tooted,  yer  know, 
Sinse  the  day  that  he  war  born. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 

Thet  jedge   is  jist  big   enuff  ter   rattle  on   the 
bench. — Bronco  Bill. 

Reading.     It  is  worse  than  time  wasted  to  read 

"yellow  novels." 
Read  good  books  only,  and  winnow  the  wheat 

from  the  chaff. 

Wise  men  there  be — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men— 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled   in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece,  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. — Men. 


158  LACONICS 


Ready.     The  wise  man  is  always  ready. 
Be  ready  fer  the  wust  an'  yer'll  du  yer  best. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Real.    We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
The  Ideal  blazes  the  trail  for  the  Real. 

Reason.     Reason  is  the  lamp-light  of  man. 
Spice  reason  with  wit. 
Don't  mistake  your  will  for  your  reason. 
Don't  talk  reason  to  gabbling  geese. 
Reason  is  God's  best  gift  to  man. 

The  most  uncommon  thing  is  common  sense. — Men. 
If  you  have  no  good  reason  for  doing  it,  don't 

do  it. 
The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by 

experience,  fools,  by  nothing. — After  Cicero. 

Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  the  reign  of  Reason  is  begun. 
Fantastic  phantasms  fly  before  the  light — 
Pale,  gibbering  ghosts  and  ghouls  and  goblin  fears ; 
Man  who  hath  walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years  ? 

Groping  among  the  shadows  of  the  night, 
Moon-struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  cant  or  catechism, 
Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 
Sun-touched     by    Truth — awakes   and    rubs   his 

eyes. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Let  reason  be  our  light,  the  only  light 
That  God  hath  given  unto  benighted  man 
Wherewith  to  get  a  glimpse  of  his  vast  plan, 
And  stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Yea,  superstition,  since  the  world  began, 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man; 


LACONICS  159 


For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Reason  was  given  to  man  that  he   might  become 

a  god. 

Temper  all  things  with  reason. 
We  are  led  less  by  reason  than  by  custom  and 

habit. 

Rebuke.    The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the 

praise  of  a  fool. 
If  thy  friend  rebuke  thee,  thank  him. 

Reckon — reckoning.      He  reckons  without  reason. 
If  you  will  "flash,"  pay  the  reckoning. 

Recreation.    Unbend  the  bow,  or  else  the  bow  will 
break. — Pauline. 

A  time  for  work  and  a  time  for  play 
Will  make  a  man  healthy,  happy  and  gay. 
The  mind  needs  recreation  as  well  as  the  body 

Redeem.     Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed 
If  you  have  made  a  promise  redeem  it. 

Reflection.  He  that  will  not  reflect  is  ruined. 
A  wise  man  reflects  before  he  speaks. 
A  fool  speaks  first  and  reflects  afterwards. 
Our  passions  are  reflected  in  our  faces. 

Reform.     I  sings  mein  leetel  song — "Reform"; 
Dot  shakes  der  goundry  like  a  sdorm ; 
I  makes  die  peobles  all  pelief 
I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief. — C.  S.  (Ms.) 
If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the  dog- 
catcher. 

Loud-mouthed  "Reformers"  are  always  hungry—- 
for office  or  notoriety. 


160  LACONICS 


You    can't   reform    the   world    in   a   day   if   you 

preach  all  night. 
Regret.    Hope,  ahead ;  regret,  behind. 

Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets 
Every  old   hat  is  full  of  regret. 
Life  is  too  short  for  regret, — go  ahead,  do  better 
A  month  of  bliss,  a  year  of  hell: 

'Twere  better  if  we  had  not  met ; 
But  only  weaklings  hug  regret, 

And  so  we  part, — and  it  is  well. 

Relax — relaxations.  Unbend  the  bow,  or  else  the 
bow  will  break. 

Religion.  Religion  is  as  natural  to  man  as  the  air 
he  breathes. 

My  Religion :  I  believe  in  the  fatherhood  of  God 
and  the  brotherhood  of  man. 

"I  have  slight  touches  of  it  occasionally,"  said 
a  deaf  and  rheumatic  old  lady,  when  the  min- 
ister asked  her  if  she  had  religion. 

Superstition  is  the  religion  of  the  ignorant. 

I  don't  like  a  hypercrite  thet's  so  ful  uf  religion  thet 
he  hain't  got  no  room  fer  honesty. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  carries  his  religion  in  his  pocket. 
Thar  ain't  no  authordox  religin  without  a  Devil 
in  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Every  people  make  their  own  religion. 
Don't  mistake  superstition  for  religion. 
The  true  religion  is  to  do  right  by  your  fellow- 
men. 

Remember — remembrance.  Remember  your  friends 

and  don't  forget  your  enemies. 
The  remembrance  of  one's  faults  and  follies  leads 
to  wisdom. 


LACONICS  161 


Remembrance  of  one's  good  deeds  is  pleasant  to 
the  soul. 

Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  for- 
get your  virtues. 

Remorse.    When  a  good  man  has  done  wrong,  re- 
morse gnaws  him. 
The  bad  man  feels  remorse  when  he  is  caught. 

Repentance.  The  wolf  repents  that  he  failed  to 
catch  the  lamb. 

The  burglar  repents  because  he  blew  the  safe 
open  and  found  nothing. 

"Mother,"  said  Johnie  in  tears,  "I  repent."  "What 
have  you  done,  my  dear  boy?"  asked  the 
mother.  "Nuthin,"  said  Johnie,  "on'y  Bill  But- 
ler called  me  a  liar  and  I  didn't  lick  *im." 

The  best  repentance  is  reparation. 

Of  what  good  is  repentance  without  reform? 

Report.  False  report  goes  by  fast  express;  the 
truth  follows  on  a  freight  train. 

You  uncivil  cit — you  quote  Barbour's  Reports? 

That's  barbarous  indeed,  sir,  in  civilized  courts ; 
And  "Common  Reports?"  why  you  know  they're 

all  lies,  sir, 
And  just  made  to  order  and  all  of  assize,  sir. 

— Quips  and  Quirks. 
Repose.     Repose  is  power. 

A  flea  can  break  the  repose  of  a  giant. 

Republic.     Tt   takes   a   good   many  fools   to  run   a 

republic. 

A  republic  damns  her  best  men. 
Republics  breed  thieves,  and  end  in  anarchy. 

Reputation.  Take  care  of  your  character  and  your 
reputation  will  take  care  of  itself. 


162  LACONICS 


Your  reputation  is  what  men  say  of  you,  your 
character  is  what  you  are. 

Reputation  is  rarely  proportioned  to  merit. 

"He  hed  a  big  reputation  cuz  he  blew  a  brass- 
band." — Bronco  Bill. 

Resentment.     Resentment  is  right,  but  revenge  re- 
coils on  the  revenger. 

Respect.     Respect  yourself  if  you  wish  the  respect 
of  others. 

Rest.     Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 
The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Only  dead  men  rest. 
I  have  little  time  to  rest  now ;  I  have  an  eternity 

of  rest  before  me. 
In  rest  we  rust. — Poetry. 

Result.     Look  to  the  result. 

Revelation.    Without  our  reason  how  can  we  read 

Revelations  ? 

A  new  fact  discovered  in  Nature  is  a  new  revela- 
tion. 

Revenge.     Revenge  is  dear  at  any  price. 

Revenge  is  a  much  more  punctual  pay-master 
than  gratitude. 

How  often  do  men  prefer  revenge  to  their  in- 
terests. 

He  who  punishes  for  revenge,  himself  commits 
a  crime. 

Revenge  is  the  mother  of  miseries. 

Fools  think  revenge  is  sweet;  it  is  the  bitterest 
of  all  bitters. 

Resentment  is  right,  but  revenge  recoils  on  the 
revenger. 

Revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 


LACONICS  163 


Secret  revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  coward. 

The  big  man  is  above  revenge. 

Revenge  never  paid  ten  cents  on  the  dollar. 

The  shot  that  killed  Alexander  Hamilton  killed 
Aaron  Burr. 

Life  is  too  short  for  revenge,  and  eternity  too 
long. 

At  an  anti-England  convention  in  Dublin  it  was 
unanimously  resolved  "To  gather  up  all  the 
notes  of  the  Bank  of  England  and  make  a  bon- 
fire and  burn  'em" — for  revenge. 

Revolution.     Revolution  is  evolution. 

Revolution  defeated  is  treason;  successful,  pa- 
triotism. 

"Revolutions  never  go  backward,"  but  they  often 
end  at  the  end  of  a  rope. 

Reward.     God  is  a  prompt  pay-master.     He  pays 

us  what  we  earn — good  or  evil. 
"Virtue   is   its  own   reward"?     Durn   pore  pay, 
Mister,  when  a  feller  is  out  at  the  toes,  an'  jist 
about  froze,  an'  his  stumick  is  turrible  gnaw- 
in'  an'  thin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Rhetoric.     Truth  is  true  rhetoric. 
Wings  and  tailfeathers  and  squawk  are  the  rhetoric 

of  a  "spread-eagle"  orator. 
Rhetoric  is  reason  well  dressed. 

Riches.    To  leave  a  son  a  fortune  is,  nine  times  out 

of  ten,  to  leave  him  a  misfortune. 
How   many  of  his   millions   did   Harriman  take 

with  him  to  invest  on  the  other  side? 
"Vat  for  you  vill  be  poor,  ven  zwei  glass  lager 

vill  maks  you  reech?" — Hans. 

He  that  has  enough  is  as  rich  as  Rockefeller. 


164  LACONICS 


The  rich  plunder  the  poor  and  the  poor  plunder 

the  rich. 
As  in  a  forest  tall  trees  overshadow  and  dwarf 

the  small  ones,  so  in  the  multitudes  of  men,  the 

rich  and  powerful  overshadow  and  dwarf  the 

poor  and  feeble. 
Would'st   thou    be   rich?     The   earth    is   full   of 

riches:  dig. 
Rich  men  without  good  sense  are  but  sheep,  and 

everybody  is  ready  to  shear  them. 
Riches  are  a  heavy  burden,  but  most  men  are 

anxious  to  carry  it. 

It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 
Ridicule.     Who  can  argue  against  a  horse-laugh? 
The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the  goose- 
quill  of  Cervantes. 
The  "Greeley  wave"  was  turned  into  soap-suds 

by  the  pencil  of  Thomas  Nast. 
Ridicule  is  more  often  effective  than  reason. 
Ridicule  is  a  weapon  that  only  shrewd  men  can 

handle. 
Ridiculous.     "It  is  only  one  step  from  the  sublime 

to  the  ridiculous"  and  the   gentleman  took   it 

with   both    feet. — Letter   of   Author,   St.    Paul 

Globe,  1883. 
Riding.      Circus  ridin'  ain't  no  picnic, 

Leastwise  double  ridin'  aint, 
With  one  foot  on  the  devil 

An'  the  ether  on  a  saint. — Bronco  Bill. 

Right.     It  is  better  to  be  right  than  consistent. 
We  measure  right  by  the  hand  of  might. 

Ripe.     When  the  peach  is  ripe,  pluck  it. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

— Columbus. 


LACONICS  165 


Rise.  This  fellow  falls  from  grace  every  day  in 
the  week  but  one :  he  always  rises  again  on 
Sunday. 

He  is  a  strong  man  who  can  rise  every  time  he 
falls. 

Risk.     He  who  risks  nothing  will  win  but  little. 
If  you  bet  on  a  "sure  thing"  you  are  sure  to  lose. 
Don't  pull  the  trigger  till  you  are  sure  of  your 

aim. 
If  you  are  "between  the  devil  and  the  deep  sea," 

take  the  risk  of  "standing  pat." 
He  who  has  nothing  to  lose  may  risk  all. 
Road.     On  the  wrong  road  the  faster  you  run  the 

farther  you  fall  behind. 

It  is  a  bad  road  that  leads  to  the  poor-house. 
It  is  a  dangerous  road  that  never  turns  to  the  right. 

Rogue.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 
The  rogue  that  will  steal  for  you,  will  steal  from 
you. 

Romance.    Recipe  for  making  a  "yellow  romance" : 

I    teacupful   of    honey,    2    ounces    of    gall-nuts,    I 

pint  of  vinegar,  I  pint  of  sweet  oil,  2  ounces  of 

Cayenne    pepper,    2    quarts    of    moonshine,    one 

.can  concentrated  lie.     Mix  and  stir  with  a  goose 

quill. 

Rome. '  In  Rome,  a  Roman ;  in  Greece,  a  Greek ; 
in  America — all  sorts,  from  a  Yankee  to  a  Hot- 
tentot. 

Room.    In  a  log-cabin  12  x  12  there  is  room  enough 

for  two  and  happiness. 
There  is  plenty  of  room  'on  the  roof. 

Rope.     He  is  knotting  a  rope  to  hang  himself. 
You  can't  hold  a  bull  with  a  "rope  of  sand." 


166  LACONICS 


Loop  a  rope  for  your  enemy  and  put  your  own 
foot  in  it. 

Rouge.  Look  out  for  vice  in  rouge  and  a  red 
petticoat. 

Rudder.     The  ship  without  a  rudder  is  bound  for 

the  rocks. 

Be  shore  yer  got  a  rudder  hitched  on  before  yer 
sail  in. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ruin,     His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Rumor.  Rumors,  like  snow-balls,  gather  as  they 
go:  to-day,  a  mouse;  to-morrow,  a  mule,  and 
next  day  a  mammoth. 

Rumor    has    a    hundred     mouths,    a    thousand 
tongues  and  a  voice  like  a  brass-band. 

Rust.    Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 

use; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 


Sacrifice.    He  would  sacrifice  his  mother-in-law  for 
the  sake  of  peace. 

Sabbath.     He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 
and  preys  on  the  public  the  rest  of  the  week. 

Sage.    A  sage  is  the  son  of  ages. 

Sail.     Sail  boldly  when  the  wind  is  at  your  back; 
When  the  wind  is  in  your  face,   trim  sail  and 
tack. 

Sailor.     More  sailors  are  shipwrecked  in  port  than 
on  the  sea. 


LACONICS  167 


Salt.    Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
His  wit  lacks  salt. 
That's  good  to  keep — salt  it  down. 

Sanctimonious.  He  wuz  a  sanctimoneyus  "cuss"; 
he  passed  the  contribution  box  an'  stole  the 
money. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sarcasm.     Sarcasm  is  a  chasm   that  many  smart 

men  fall  into. 

"Sarcasm  I  now  see  to  be,  in  general,  the  lan- 
guage of  the  devil." — Carlyle. 

Who  has  written  more  sarcasm  than  Carlyle? 
He  wuz  a  sarcaustic  "cuss" — allus  spittin'  pep- 
per-sass. — Broncho  Bill. 

Satiety.     The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame  tune 
Forever,  and  the  fairest  flower  that  gems 
The  garden,  if  it  bloomed  throughout  the  year, 
Would    blush    unsought.      The    most    delicious 

fruits 

Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 
And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. — Change. 

Satire.     Satire  is  all  right  on  a  satyr. 

Ridicule  and  satire  are  the  only  pins  that  will 
prick  through  the  hide  of  some  people. 

Sauce.  "Labor  is  the  best  sauce;"  it  makes  tur- 
nips taste  like  fried  oysters. 

Save.     The    alchemy   that   turns    everything    into 

gold — s&ve. 
A  single  nail  may  save  a  ship. 

Savings-bank.     It  is  like  a  mine;  it  is  easy  to  get 

your  money  in  but  often  hard  to  get  it  out. 
A   run  on   the   bank:    "I   wants   mein   monish," 


168  LACONICS 


said  the  Dutch  depositor.  "Here  it  is,"  said 
the  teller.  "You  got  'im?  Veil,  you  got  'im 
I  no  want  'im — you  no  got  'im  I  wants  'im 
right  avay  guick  already." 

Scandal.    She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and  pep- 
pers her  sauce  with  scandal. 

Science — scientist.      Science    is    the    knowledge   of 

our  ignorance. 

Behold,  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  conquering  science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stubborn  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

How    deep    have   our    greatest    scientists    gone? 

They  have   barely  scratched  the   skin   of  the 

earth. 
The  discovery  of  the  truth  is  the  aim  of  science. 

Scruples.     He  has  too  many  scruples  to  his  dram. 

Sea.     He  goes  to  sea  in  a  gig  and  growls  at  the 

weather. 

If  you  will  swim  in  the  sea,  look  out   for  the 
sharks. 

Secret — secrecy.     Pat:    "Biddy,   I've   a   gra-ate   sa- 

cret,  an'  Oi  want  a  woman  te  help  me  kape  it." 
Never  seek  to   know  your  friend's   secrets   and 

never  reveal  your  own. 
Secrets  are  bats — they  fly  in  the  night. 
There  is  only  one  to  whom  you  can  safely  trust 

your  secrets — yourself. 
Keep  your  secret  in  the  ice-box  or  it  will  get  you 

into  a  hot-box. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 

Secure — security.       Reasonable     apprehension     is 
safer  than  confident  security. 


LACONICS  169 


There  is  danger  in  too  much  security. 

Too-sure  is  never  secure. 

He  is  cock-sure:    take  security. 

Self.     He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
He  worships  himself. 
His  worst  enemy  wears  his  hat. 

Self-conceit.     He  who  is  full  of  himself  is  empty 

of  everything  else. 
He  admires  his  own  shadow. 
Seest  thou  a  man  wise  in  his  own  conceit? 
There  is  more  hope  of  a  fool  than  of  him. 

— Proverbs — Old  Test. 

Self-conscious.     Self-conscious  like  an   old  cheese 
full  of  skippers. 

Self-deception.     If   I   am   deceived   I    deceive   my- 
self. 

Self-denial.     Self-denial  is  a  great  virtue — in  your 

neighbor. 

Self-denial  is  one  corner-stone  of  a  strong  char- 
acter. 

Self-improvement.     He  who  is  satisfied  with  him- 
self is  past  cure. 

Self-interest.     Our   interests   are    centered   in  our- 
selves. 

Self-interest  and  charity  are  compatible :  I  know 
men  who  give  liberally  to  charity  just  to  get 
their  names  in  the  newspapers. 

Selfishness.    We  hate  selfishness  in  others  because 

we  are  selfish  ourselves. 

Fathom  every  human  heart  and  you  will  find 
selfishness  at  the  bottom. 


iyo  LACONICS 


Selfishness  is  self-protection,  and  self-protection 

is  the  first  law  of  nature. 
We  air  all  uf  us  shell-fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Self-knowledge.    He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
Study  yourself. 

Self-love.     Self-love  is  the  first  law  of  nature. 

Self-made.     "I   am  a   self-made    man !"    roared    a 

member  of  Congress. 

"That  fact  relieves  the  Almighty  of  a  great  re- 
sponsibility," replied  his  opponent. 

Self-praise.     Self-praise  stinketh  in  the  mouth. 
The   man   praises   himself   because    nobody   else 
will  praise  him. 

Self-reliance — self-respect.  Self-respect  and  self- 
reliance  are  cardinal  virtues. 

If  you  can't  rely  on  yourself,  on  whom  can  you 
rely? 

If  you  don't  respect  yourself,  who  will  respect 
you? 

Back-bone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 

Help  yourself  and  God  and  men  will  help  you. 

Fortune  hates  /  Can't  and  loves  /  Will. 

Self-reliance  is  a  firm  footing  and  a  stout  staff. 

Self-will.  The  difference  between  self-reliance  and 
self-will  is  the  difference  between  a  wise  man 
and  a  mule. 

Sense — sensible.  The  most  uncommon  thing  is 
common-sense. — Men. 

A  pint  of  sense  is  worth  a  peck  of  learning. 
The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done  by 
mistake. 


LACONICS  171 


Fill  the  basement  with  common-sense  and  the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Sensitive.    He  is  more  sensitive  than  sensible. 
Sensual.     Dust  to  Dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost? 

Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 

Proudly  with  averted  head — 

O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 

Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust: 
Dust  to  dust.— Dust  to  Dust. 

Sermon.  The  most  effective  sermon  is  to  practice 
what  you  preach. 

Serpent.  Beware  of  the  serpent  that  charms  be- 
fore he  strikes. 

The  serpent  in  ourselves  is  the  snake  that  stings 
us. 

Servant — serve.  A  negligent  master,  a  negligent 
servant. 

He  who  serves  himself  has  a  good  servant  and 
a  kind  master. 

A  good  master,  a  good  servant. 

Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  serv- 
ant of  evil. 

Shadow.     When   the   sun   is   setting   the   shadows 

point  to  sunrise. 

Without  light  there  is  no  shadow. 
We  fight  for  the  shadow  of  things. 

Shaft.  He  bends  a  long  bow,  but  his  shaft  is  a 
feather. 

Shakespeare.     I  kin  quote  Shakespur  by  the  yard 

Jo ;  har  goes  a  few : 

"The  fust  thing  we  do,  let's  kill  all  the  liars." 
(Ye're   off,   Bill,   it's   "all   the   lawyers."    All   the 


172  LACONICS 


same,   Jo,   don't   butt    in    when     I'm    quotin' 

Scriptur.    "An'  when  I  ope  my  lips,  let  no  dog 

bark/') 

"Thar's  small  choice  in  rotten  pertaters." 
"A  mool !  a  mool !  my  kingdom  fer  a  mool." 
"Thar's  a  deviltry  that  shapes  our  ends." 
"Let  the  galled  jade  wince,  our  widers  air  un 

wrung." 

"Lord,  whut  fools  these  moralists  be!" 
"An  tew  men  ride  on  a  hoss,  one  must  ride  on  the 

hind-eend." 
"All  the  world's  a  stage,  an'  it  needs  must  go. 

fer  the  devil  drives." 

"Mine  enemy's  dog,  an'  tharby  hangs  a  tail." 
"Tu  marry,  this  is  the  short  an'  the  long  uf  it." 
Ain't  them  "A  hit — a  very  pulpable  hit,"  Jo? 
"Why,  then  the  world's  mine  lobster." — Bronco  Bill. 

Sharper.     When  sharpers  pluck  each  other  geese 
are  scarce. 

Sheep.     If  you  are  a  sheep  put  on  a  lion-skin;  if 
you  are  a  lion  put  on  a  lamb-skin. 

Shepherd.     Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to 

tread ; 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep ; 
Fools   chew   the    chaff   while   cunning   eats    the 

bread, 

And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

He  is  a  good  shepherd  that  keeps  the  wolves  far 
from  his  sheep-pen. 

Ship.     An  empty  ship  is  least  able  to  breast  the 

storm. 
Don't  ship  all  in  one  tub. 


LACONICS  173 


The  wust  ship  I  ever  sailed  in  wuz  a  pardner- 
ship :  me  an'  Jo  got  shipwrecked  on  a  bunch 
uf  ole  mools. — Bronco  Bill. 

Shoemaker.     "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  said  the  dy- 
ing shoemaker. 

"You  have  lost  your  soul,"  said  the  priest  to  a 
scoffer.  "Bring  'im  in  and  I'll  peg  on  an- 
other," said  the  cobbler. 

Short-cut.     Most  men  find  the  short-cut  by  going 
around. 

Sift.     You  heard  the  speech:  sift  it — sift  it. 
Sift  out  the  cheat  and  save  the  wheat. 

In  vain  kings  piled  the  pyramids ; 
Their  tombs  were  robbed  by  ruthless  hands; 
Who  now  shall  sing  their  fame  and  deeds, 
Or  sift  their  ashes  from  the  sands? — Fame. 

Sight.    If  our  fore-sight  were  half  as  good  as  our 
hind-sight  we  wouldn't  miss  the  mark  so  often. 
Yer  cain't  see  haf  ez  fur  with  yer   fore-sight  ez 
yer  kin  with  yer  hind-sight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Silence — silent.     It  is  easier  to  look  wise  than  to 

talk  wise. 

Silence  is  a  hard  argument  to  answer. 
Nobody  will  repeat  your  silence. 
A  silent  sage  is  like  a  bell  without  a  clapper. 
Beware   of   the  man  who  is   silent  when  he   is 

angry. 
His    silence   spoke   louder   than   the   voice   of  a 

multitude. 
Keep  your  mouth  shut.     A  dumb  fool  is  often 

taken  for  a  wise  man. 
Lay  the  finger-tips  of  silence  on  the  shrivelled 

lips  of  time. — Daniel. 


174  LACONICS 


Silk.     Vice  is  most  dangerous  in  silk  stockings. 
Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress 
He's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. — Spanish. 

Silver.     Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 

He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 

While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. — Men. 

Flattery  is  silver-tongued. 

Simplicity.     Simplicity  is  true  to  truth  and  nature. 
The  fool  and  the  wise  man  are  both  simple. 

Sin.     We  sin  and  blame  the  Devil  for  it. 

If   lightning  struck   every   one   who   sins,  there 
wouldn't    be    a    "two-legged    animal    without 
feathers"  left  on  this  earth. 
The  virus  of  sin  is  in  the  blood  of  all  men. 
When  we  sin  agin  Natur  we  pay  the  price. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Single.     He  has  an  eye  single  to  the  main  chance. 
Thet  ole  mare  is  like  an  ole  maid :  she  goes  single 
fust  rate,  but  she'll  kick  an*  she'll  balk  ef  she's 
hitched  with  a  mate. — Bronco  Bill. 

Skill — skillful.     Skill  rides;  strength  carries. 
Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unskilled  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. — Poetry. 

Skin.      He  wild  skin  a  skunk  fer  the  perfume. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Charity  is  skin-deep;  self  goes  to  the  bone. 
Skunk.    He  likes  perfume  who  kicks  a  skunk. 

Sky-lark.     She  wakened  the  woods  with  her  musi- 
cal words, 
And  the  sky-lark  ashamed  of  his  voice  forbore. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 


LACONICS  175 


The  silver  dawn  steals  in  upon  the  dark: 
Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark 
And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun. — Poetry. 

Slander.    And  who  escapes  the  tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  a  naught. — Poetry. 

Slander  is  a  Hydra;  strike  off  one  of  its  heads 
and  two  will  grow  out  in  its  place. 

Slander  has  the  scent  of  a  hound,  the  eyes  of  a 
cat  and  the  tongue  of  a  serpent. 

If  you  fight  slander  take  it  by  the  throat. 

The  best  shield  against  slander  is  silence. 

Don't  blow  the  coals  of  slander  and  they  will 
soon  die  out. 

Slang.     Avoid  slang:  the  slang-whanger  is   never 

a  gentleman. 

Boston  slang — "I  vow,  an'  I  vum —  I  swow  an'  I 
swum." 

Slavery.     If  we  are  slaves  what  matters  it  whether 
our  chains  be  of  iron  or  of  gold. 

All  men  are  slaves :  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  shining  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
We  are  still  slaves  to  custom  and  fashion. 

Sleep.  Die  sonne,  he  know  ven  he  petter  git  oop, 
mebbe;  aber  Ich  bin  no  leetel  bird  dot  poke  hees 
pill  ouet  to  be  cotched  py  die  vorm.  I  radder 
sleeb  a  leetel  dis  die  preakfast  pees  ready. — Hans. 
Ef  yer  huntin'  Injuns,  Jo,  yer  better  sleep  with 
yer  eyes  open. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sloth.     Sloth  is  always  waiting  and  wishing. 


176  LACONICS 


Sloth  is  always  waiting  for  something   to  turn 
up. 

Slow.     Go  slow  till  you  know. 

Sluggard.     The  sluggard  takes  a  hundred  steps  to- 
day where  two  would  have  sufficed  yesterday. 
The  diligent  says  "To-day;"  the  sluggard   says 
"To-morrow." 

Small.     Don't  despise  small  things;  a  flea  at  mid- 
night is  worse  than  a  wolf  at  midday. 
Great  things  are  made  out  of  little  things. 

Smile.     A  smiler  is  often  a  beguiler. 

He  smiles  with  the  smilers  and  weeps  with  the 

weepers. 

He  smiles  on  one  side  and  frowns  on  the  other. 
He  smiles  to  your  face  and  bites  at  your  back. 
The    world    is    a    mirror:    smile   and    it    smiles; 

frown  and  it  frowns. 
A  frozen  smile  is  wus  ner  a  frown. — Bronco  Bill. 

Smudge.     The  gnats  are  buzzing:  smudge! 

Sneak.     You  can  tell  a  coyote  by  his  sneak. 

I  kin  stand  a  "hold-up,"  but  a  sneak  thief  is  wus 
ner  a  cyote. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sneer.    Half-way  betwixt  a  snicker  and  a  sneer. 
Sneer-lipped,  hawk-eyed,  wolf-tongued  oraculars. 

— Men. 

Soar.     The  higher  he  soars  the  louder  he  squawks. 

Socialism.     Socialism  is  despotism:    it  crushes  the 

individual. 
Let  socialism  prevail  and  the  dunce  and  the  wise 

are  on   a  dead  level ; 
The  worker  and  the  sluggard  are  equal. 


LACONICS  177 


Democracy  leads  to  Socialism,  Socialism  to  An- 
archy, Anarchy  to  hell. 

Society.     Society  follows  the  bell-wether. 

Fashionable  society  is  made  up  of  toadies,  tattlers 
and  tomnoddies. 

Soil.     The  soil  that  grows  nettles  will  grow  corn. 
Yer  may  soil  yer  hands  in  thet  perairie  soil,  but 
yer'll  keep  yer  conscience  clean. — Bronco  Bill. 

Soldiers.     Beheld   a   score   of   battle-fields   corpse- 
strewn, 

Blood-fertiled  with  ten  thousand  flattered  fools 
Who,  but  to  please  the  vanity  of  one, 
Marched  on  hurrahing  to  the  doom  of  death. 

— An  Old  English  Oak. 

Lo  the  blood-spattered  bosom,  the  shot-shattered 

limb. 

The  hand-clutch  of  fear  as  the  vision  grows  dim, 
The    half-uttered  prayer  and  the   blood-fettered 

breath, 
The  cold  marble  brow  and  the  calm  face  of  death. 

0  proud  were  these  forms   at  the  dawning  of 
morn, 

When  they  sprang  to  the  call  of  the  shrill  bugle- 
horn: 

There  are  mothers  and  wives  that  await  them 
afar; 

God  help  them!  Is  this,  then,  the  glory  of  war? 
— The  Charge  of  "The  Black  Horse!' 

He  is  a  brave  soldier — in  slippers  and  pajamas. 

Solitude.     He  who  is  alone  with  good  books  has 
the  best  of  company. 

1  love  solitude  with  a  few  choice  friends,  a  bottle 
of  wine  and  a  box  of  cigars. 


178  LACONICS 


Something  to  say.     Don't  make  a   speech   unless 
you  have  something  to  say. 

Son.     The    son   at   twenty   knows    more   than   his 

father  at  fifty. 
The  best  patrimony  you  can  leave  to  your  son 

is  a  strong  body,  a  sane  mind,  and  plenty  of 

hard  work. 
He  follows  his  father  a  long  way  behind. 

Sore.     Don't  prod  an  old  sore. 
Every  man  has  his  sore  spot. 
"Ever  man  hez  his  sore  spot,"  they  say ; 
I  hed  tew  on  'em  the   fust  time  I  rid  a  buckin' 
bronco. — Bronco  BUI. 

Sorrow.     Sorrow  is  the  shadow  of  pleasure. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 

Soul.     What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 
We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 
But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 
And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth. 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below? 
Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light  on  angel  wings  to  range, 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Of  what  good  is  a  soul  without  a  body  or  a  body 
without  a  soul? 

Sound.     His  voice  sounds  like  a  steam  whistle  in 

a  megaphone. 
His  arguments  are  all  sound. 


LACONICS  179 


Sour — sourest.  He  is  as  sour  as  a  pickled  crabapple. 
Her  sweetest  smile  would  sour  fresh  milk. 
The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 

Sow.  Sow  good  words  and  you  will  gather 
friends. 

He  sows  good  seed  in  sterile  sand  and  trusts  in 
God. 

Sow  cockle,  reap  cockle;  sow  wheat,  reap  wheat. 

One  sows,  another  reaps; 

And  still  another — tolls  the  grain. 

They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in  pros- 
perity. 

It  is  easier  to  sow  than  to  reap. — After  Goethe. 

Spare.     The  mother  who  has  ten  children  has  none 

to  spare. 

"Spareribs,"  said  a  pert  miss  to  a  lean  old  maid. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

— After  Lord  Coke. 

Speak — speaker.      He's    a   wise    man    who    knows 

when  to  speak,  a  wiser  that  knows  when  to  be 

silent. 
If  you  your  lips  would  keep  from  slips, 

Five  things   observe  with   care: 
To  whom  you  speak,  of  whom  you  speak, 

And  how,  and  when,  and  where. — W.  E.  N  orris. 

Special — specialty.  Concentrate  all  your  energies 
on  one  line. 

Make  a  specialty  of  success. 

We  are  in  the  age  of  specialties:  choose  one 
good  line  and  follow  it  for  life. 

Some  men  take  special  pains  to  show  their  ig- 
norance. 

Spectator.  The  spectator  often  sees  better  than 
the  actor. 


i8o  LACONICS 


Speech.     What  goes  in  at  the  ear  comes  out  at  the 

mouth. 

A  soft  speech  may  have  a  subtle  poison. 
Speech  is  the  ripple  of  the  rivulet;  silence  is  the 

voice  of  the  deep. 
Clear  thought,  clear  speech. 
He  cain't  make  a  speech,  but  he  cain't  hold  his 

tongue. — Bronco  Bill. 

Spend.     Don't  spend  what  you  haven't  got. 

He  has  spent  all  his  money  and  is  now  spending 

promises  to  pay. 

Life  is  spent  before  we  know  the  value  of  it. 
Don't  spend  your  breath  blowing  cold  coals. 

Spirits.     He  is  full  of  spirits — his  bottle  is  empty. 

Spots.     Spots  become  a  leopard. 
He  is  all  right — in  spots. 

Squander.     Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours 

you  squander. 

He  toils   all   his  life  to   pile  up  wealth   for  his 
prodigals  to  squander. 

Stale  eggs.     He  is  like  an  old  hen  trying  to  hatch 

stale  eggs. 

"They  are   egging  him   on,"   said   a  wag  when 
they  rotten-egged  a  stump-speaker. 

Stand.     You  cannot  stand  still,  you  must  go  up  or 

go  down. 
Take  your  stand  and  stand  by  it. 

Star.  "Follow    thine    own    star." — Dante.    I    would, 
but  I  can't  tell  my  star  from  a  jack-o'-lantern. 
If  you  trust  in  your  star  you  will  sup  on  moon- 
shine. 
The  stars  never  shine  clear  till  after  dark. 


LACONICS  181 


Stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  stars  are  the  faces  of  our  fathers  looking 
down  from  their  hunting-grounds. — Dakota. 

State.     The  state   is  a  great  corporation:   we  are 

all  stockholders:  watch  the  directors. 
The  state  is  sick  and  every  fool  a  quack 
Running  with  pills  and  plasters  and  sure-cures, 
And  every  pill  and  package  labeled  Ism. — Men. 

Steal.     He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you 

Steel.  When  steel  strikes  flint  then  flies  the  fire 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

Step.     Step  by  step  men  go  upward,  or  downward. 
Step  by  step  men  climb  the  highest  peaks. 
The  dead  past  offers  us  safe  stepping-stones. 
Precedents    are    "Oft-stepping-stones    of    tyranny 
and  wrong," — Pauline. 

Stick.     Stick-to-it  will  do  it. 

Stoicism.    Your  bronze  statue  is  your  true  stoic. 

He  snatched  from  the  embers  a  red-hot  brand, 
And  held  it  aloft  in  his  naked  hand. 
He  stood  like  a  statue  in  bronze  or  stone ; 
Not  a  muscle  moved  and  the  braves  looked  on 
— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Stomach.     The  stomach  is  the  fire-box  of  the  body 
— it  runs  the   machine. 

Stop.     Few  men  know  when  to  begin  or  when  to 
stop. 

Storm.     A  storm  occasionally  is  better  than  a  dead 
calm. 


182  LACONICS 


In  a  storm  the  tallest  trees  fall  first. 
Turn  your  back  to  the  storm. 

Story.     Don't  make  a  short  story  long. 
History  is  too  often  his  story. 
Every  tale  an'  true  his-story  allus  hez  tew  sides 
onter  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Stout.     Stout  legs  to  a  steep  hill. 
Strong  arm  and  stout  heart. 

Strength.     Brains  are  better  than  brawn. 
A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 
There  is  strength  in  "I  will." 
Let  not  your  strength  become  your  weakness. 
Few  men  are  strong  enough  to  lift  themselves 
by  their  own  boot-straps. 

Strut.     In    his    own    conscious   insignificance    he 

struts. 

He   struts    and    gabbles    like    a    turkey-cock    in    a 
hen-yard. 

Study.     Man's  blood  and  brawn  demand  a  change 

of  food ; 
His  mind  as  well. — Change. 

The  blush  of  sunrise  found  me  at  my  books; 
The  midnight  cock-crow  caught  me  reading  still 

— Pauline 

Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 
Study  what  you  read — think. 

Stumble.     He  stumbles  at  a  straw. 
A  careless  man  stubs  his  toes  on  many  a  stum- 
bling-block. 

Style.     There  can  be  no  clear  expression  without 
clear   thought. 


LACONICS  183 


Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.    Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor,  is  the  same; 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 

Thought  is  the  body,  style  the  dress. 
High  heels  may  be  the  style,  but  I  don't  want  tu 
cultivate  no  corn  on  my  toes. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sublime.  It  is  but  one  step  from  the  sublime  to 
the  ridiculous  and  the  gentleman  took  it  with 
both  feet.  Author's  letter:  St.  Paul  Globe, 
1883. 

Submission.    All  my  prayers  are  one: 
"Father,  thy  will  be  done." 

Subtlety.     Subtlety  deceives  itself. 

Success.     Success  is  often  the  worst  of  failures. 

Deserve  success  and  then  command  it. 

We  estimate  men  by  their  success,  not  by  their 
deserts. 

Prudence,    patience,    perseverance,    command    suc- 
cess. 

Study  When,  Where  and  How. 

Everybody  is  a  friend  of  success. 

Success  makes  treason  patriotism. 

The  man  who  sits  down  on  the  road  to  success 
and  waits  for  a  free  ride  will  get  left. 

One  success  is  a  step  toward  another. 

Remember    your    failures    are    your    stepping- 
stones  to  success. 

His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Sucker.     Suckers  are  plenty  in  any  pond. 
Suffering.    He  who  suffers  learns  to  pity. 

Sugar.     Put  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 

Sugar  on  the  tongue,  money  in  the  till. 


184  LACONICS 


Suicide.     The  suicide  is  either  a  coward  or  a  luna- 
tic. 

Sun.     Midge-midgets  on  this  grain  of  sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser  sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey  His  hand. — A  Message. 

The  sun  is  the  electric  light-and-power-plant  of 

our  solar  system. 
Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Sunday.     He  prays  on  his  knees,  sir,  on  Sunday, 
And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 
Ole  mother  Natur  works  every  day  in  the  week : 

She  don't  stop  tu  pray  pra'rs  an'  sing  sams  on 

Sunday. — Bronco  Bill. 

Superlative.     He  deals  in  superlatives  and  always 

caps  the   climax. 
Among  asses  he  is  the  superlative  jack. 

Superstition.     Superstition    is    the    religion    of    ig- 
norance.— Burke. 

Old  Superstition,  mother  of  cruel  creeds, 
O'er  all  the  earth  hath  sown  her  dragon  teeth : 
Lo  centuries  on  centuries  the  seeds 
Grew  rank  and  from  them  all  the  haggard  breed 
Of  Hate  and  Fear  and  Hell  and  cruel  Death. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Ah,  ignorance  and  fear  go  hand  in  hand, 
Twin-born    and     broadcast     scatter     hate     and 

thorns ; 
They   people   earth   with   ghosts   and    hell    with 

horns, 

And  sear  the  eyes  of  men  with  burning  brand. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

But  superstition  is  a  monster  still, 


LACONICS  185 


An  Hydra  we  may  scotch,  but  hardly  kill ; 
For  if  with  sword  of  truth  we  lop  a  head, 
How  soon  another  groweth  in  its  stead. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 
Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 

Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones ! 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 

The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 

The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 

While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 

That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers ! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

But  still  'twere  wrong  to  speak  but  in  abuse, 
For  priests  and  popes  have  had  and  have  their 

use. 

Yea,  Superstition  since  the  world  began 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man: 
For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Superstructure.    The  builder  who  builds  the  super- 
structure is  as  worthy  as  he  who  lays  the  foun- 
dation. 
Don't  try  to  build  the  top  story  first. 

Sure-cure.     The  sure-cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 
The  state  is  sick  and  every  fool  a  quack 
Running  with  pills  and  plasters  and  sure-cures, 
And  every  pill  and  package  labelled  Ism. — Men. 


i86  LACONICS 


Sure.    The  slow  and  sure  overtake  the  swift. 
The  sure  road  is  the  short  cut. 
Be  sure  of  your  aim  before  you  pull  the  trigger. 
He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts need  tenants. 
Surface.    Chaff  and  straw  float  on  the  surface,  the 

wheat  is  at  the  bottom. 
The  froth  is  on  top,  the  beer  at  the  bottom. 

Suspicion.  When  suspicion  creeps  in  at  the  back 
door  Confidence  walks  out  at  the  front. 

A  woman  who  is  prone  to  suspicion  is  rarely 
virtuous. 

When  men  speak  ill  of  us  we  should  suspect  our- 
selves, when  they  praise  us  we  should  suspect 
them. 

Suspicion  will  pierce  even  the  triple  mail  of  wis- 
dom. 

Swallow.  "One  swallow  doesn't  make  it  summer"? 
— that  depends  on  the  liquor. 

Sweet — sweetest.    He  deserves  not  the  sweet  who 

will  not  sweat  for  it. 

The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 
Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 

for  the  sweet. 

Sword.     Yea,  into  plow-shares  may  these  brothers 

beat 

Their  swords  and  into  pruning-hooks  their  spears. 
— After  the  Battle  of  Gettysburg. 

They  first  took  the  sword  and  they  fall  by  the 
sword.— The  Old  Flag. 

Sympathy.     Sympathy  divides  sorrow. 

Symptoms.  In  morals,  as  in  medicine,  we  doctor 
the  symptoms. 


LACONICS  187 


T 

Tact.    Talents  for  a  team  and  tact  for  a  driver. 
Tact  teaches   when   to   talk,   what   to   say,   and 

when  to  be  silent. 
Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 

Tail.    Don't  be  the  tail  of  any  kite. 

If  you  can't  be  at  the  head  don't  be  at  the  tail. 

Tale.    Your  tale  is  too  long,  Jo;  cut  it  off. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  paints  his  tale  red. 

Talent.     Men  lack  purpose  and  persistence  more 

than  talent. 

Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 
You   can't   hide   your   lack    of   talent    "under    a 

bushel." 
One  has  a  talent  for  poetry,  another  for  mending 

shoes,  and  as  a  rule,  both  are  cobblers. 

Talk — talker.     A    fool    cuts   his    throat    with    his 

tongue. 

A  long  tongue  rattles  in  an  empty  head. 
There  is  no  music  so  sweet  to  an  ass  as  his  own 

bray. 

His  talk  is  a  synopsis  of  himself. 
He  talks  all  day  and  says  nothing. 
He  who  talks  too  much  maketh  himself  cheap. 

— After  Bacon. 

Ef  yer  hain't  got  nuthin'  tu  say  don't  say  nuthin'. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

He  who  talks  too  much  hears  little. 

Who  talks  much  says  little. 

Do-much  talks  little. 

As  a  rule  he  who  talks  most  says  the  least. 


i88  LACONICS 


Tantalize.     She  would  tantalize  a  statue. 

Taste.  "There  is  good  'taste'  for  you,  Seward," 
said  Lincoln,  as  they  passed  an  old  "darkey" 
munching  a  water-melon. 

He   has   a   very   refined    taste — for   clabber   and 
garlic. 

Tattle— tattler.      Who    tattles    to   you    will    tattle 

about  you. 
She's  one  uf  them  teatotal  tea-tattlers. — Bronco  Bill. 

Taxes.     Let  vices  and  luxuries  pay  the  taxes. 
The  "single-tax"  advocate  is  a  man  of  a  single 

idea. 
Monarchies  tax   the   poor  to   support   the   rich; 

republics  tax  the  rich  to  support  the  poor. 
Protection    shears    our    sheep;    free-trade    skins 

them. 
These   reformers    reform   the   city    with    an   army 

of  tax-eaters. 
The  politicians  "grind  their  axes"  on  the  taxes. 

Teaching.     He  who  teaches  himself  has  the  best 

teacher. 
Training  is  the  best  teaching. 

Tears.     A  woman's  weapon  is  her  tears. 

With  her  tears  she  vanquished  a  whole  brigade. 
A  few  drops  of  salt  water  frum  a  woman's  eyes 

'11  win  the  verdict  uf  a  petty  jury  'gin  law  an* 

evidence. — Bronco  Bill. 

Teeth.     He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 

flattery. 
He  hain't  shed  his  gorilla  teeth  an'  wolf  ears  yit. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Temper.  Cultivate  good  temper;  it  is  like  dew 
and  sunshine  in  your  garden. 


LACONICS  189 


Brave  men  are  good  tempered. 

Put  a  bridle  on  your  temper  lest  it  put  a  halter 

on  you. 
Temper  your  temper  in  sweet-oil. 

Temptation.  Where  there  is  no  temptation  there 
is  no  proof  of  virtue. 

Turn  your  back  on  temptation  and  it  will  tug  at 
your  coat-tail. 

A  strong  man  laughs  at  temptation,  a  weak  man  in- 
vites it. 

"Tenderfoot."    "Don't  kick  against  the  pricks;"  let 

some  other  "tenderfoot"  try  it. 
He's  a  "tenderfoot"  from  Texas. 

Thanks.     Thanks   are  good,   but  they  won't   buy 

bread. 

"Thank  yer,"  '11  du  fer  cold  lunch,  but  it's  a  durn 
pore  dinner. — Bronco  Bill. 

Theories.     It  is  easier  to  plan  than  perform. 
Test  theory  by  practice. 
A  theoretical  fact  is  often  mere  illusion. 
He  who  follows  theories  will  often  bump  his  head 

against  solid  facts. 

Theories  lead  to  tests  and  tests  lead  to  truth. 
What  theory  proves,  experience  often  disproves. 
"He's  a  theoritical  cuss; — he's  goin'  tu  the  moon 

in  a  balloon. — Bronco  Bill. 

They  say.     "They-say"  is  a  gabbler. 
They-say  is  her-say. 

Thief.     A  little  thief  goes  to  prison,  a  big  thief 

goes  to  Congress. 

He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you. 
Republics  breed  thieves. 


igo  LACONICS 


Think.     Think  twice  before  you  speak  and  thrice 

before  you  write. 

Think  and  read  and  read  and  think. 
Think  all  you  say,  but  don't  say  all  you  think. 

Thinker.    "God  let  loose  a  thinker  on  this  planet," 

when  Shakespeare  was  born. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 
A    man   without   a   "thinker"   wouldn't   make   a 
decent  tinker. 

Thorns.    Don't  tread  on  thorns  barefoot. 
If  you  handle  thorns  put  on  gloves. 
Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 

Thought.     You  may  read  all  your  life  and  never 

learn  anything  unless  you  learn  to  think. 
Our  thoughts  may  be  good  yet  produce  no  fruit. 
"I  thought  so"  is  often  mistaken. 
"Things  breed  thoughts"—  (Tupper)—  and  thoughts 
breed  things. 

Thorough.    Whatever  you  do — do  thoroughly. 
Whatever  is  worth  doing  is  worth  doing  well. 
Don't  stop  half-way:  work  to  the  end. 

Threat.    He  who  threatens  his  enemy  puts  him  on 

his  guard. 

Bite  first  and  bark  afterwards. 
The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  lightning  strikes. 

It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 

But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Don't  threaten  before  you  strike. 
Thrift.     Thrift  beats  swift. 

Tickle.     Tickle   me   now   and    I'll    tickle   you    to- 
morrow. 


LACONICS  191 


Tide.     When  the  tide  comes  in,  come  in  on  it: 

When  the  tide  goes  out,  look  out. 
Tiger.     Pull  his  teeth  and  clip  his  claws  and  the 

tiger  mews  as  meek  as  a  kitten. 
Don't  "buck  the  tiger"  onless  yer  a  lion. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Time.    Time  is  the  eternal  Now. 

The  sands  of  time  are  sands  of  gold. 
Time  is  the  teacher  of  teachers. 
When  it  is  time  to  strike,  strike  hard. 
You  are  tethered  to  one  point  in  Time. 
To-day,  to-morrow,  yesterday  are  one — 
One  in  the  cycle  of  eternal  time 
That  hath  beginning  none,  nor  any  end. — Men. 
How  time  gits  away  with  our  har,  ole  Jo ! 
Jist  think  uf  it — twent — thutty  years  ago. 

— Bronco  Bill — Cow  Boy  Ballads. 
You  can't  "kill  time";  you  can  waste  it. 
Time  starts  nowhere,  stops   nowhere,   and  runs 

forever  at  the  same  pace. 
The  wings  of  Time  are  swifter  than  the  feet  of 

men. 

He  spends  his  time  whining  that  he  hasn't  time. 
Time  is  a  great  teacher — after  you've  gone  and 

done  it. 
The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 

learns  much. 

"Times."    He  is  peevish  who  praises  by-gone  times 

and  sees  no  good  in  our  own. 
Keep  up  with  the  "times";  don't  lag  behind  like 

a  lubber. 
"Many  times  and  oft"  Nature  gives  her  warning. 

Titles.     Vanity  parts  his  name  in  the  middle  and 
puts  a  handle  on  the  front  end. 


i92  LACONICS 


He  is  descended  from  the  royal  house  of  Stew- 
ards. 

She  sells  herself  and  her  fortune  for  a  title  and  a 
puppy. 

Titles  earned  are  honors.  Titles  inherited  are 
often  a  reproach  to  the  forefathers. 

If  you  haven't  earned  a  title  don't  wear  it. 

Toad.     Better  be  a  big  toad  in  a  little  puddle  than 

a  little  toad  in  a  big  puddle. 
He  isn't  a  toad,  but  he  is  a  toady. 

Toady.     He  wears  a  polliwog  coat  and  toadies  to 

the  "Four  Hundred." 
I  would  rather  sit  in  the  smoke  of  my  own  cabin 

than  be  a  toady  in  the  palace  of  a  King. 
When  you  are  going  uphill  Toady  is  ready  to 

boost,  when  you  are  going  down  Toady  will 

give  you  a  kick. 

Tobacco.     Tobacco  is  a  great  blessin';  it  kills  cow- 
lice,  an'  ether  vermin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Tobacco  kills  chicken-lice  and  a  lot  of  "two- 
legged  animals  without  feathers." 

The  tobacco  habit  is  best  cured  by  never  begin- 
ning it. 

Tobacco — the  Devil  planted  tobacco. 

No  gentleman  chews  tobacco. 

Alas,  when  Columbus  discovered  America  he 
discovered  tobacco. 

Sir  Walter  Raleigh  took  from  America  to  Ire- 
land a  blessing  and  a  curse — the  potato  and 
tobacco. 

To-day.     Ten  minutes  to-day  are  worth  an  hour 

to-morrow. 
Do  it  to-day. 


LACONICS  193 


We  lose  to-day  waiting  for  to-morrow. 

The  diligent  says,  "To-day";  the  sluggard  says, 

"To-morrow." 
Better   a  dollar  to-day  than   a   promise  of  two 

to-morrow. 
Toil — toiler.    A  goodly  recompense 

Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

— Poetry. 

Labor  is  the  lot  of  mortal  man, 
Ordained  by  God  since  human  time  began. — Poetry. 
They  toil  most  who  do  nothing. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 

Tolerance.     Tolerance  is  a  gret  virtue   in   t'other 
feller.— Bronco  Bill 

To-morrow.    To-morrow ;  to-morrow  is  the  song  of 

the  idle.— (After  Weisse.) 

"To-morrow  I  made  my  fortune,"  cries  the  fool, 
"To-day  I'll  spend  it."— Men. 

To-morrow  is  the  first  day  in  the  fool's  calendar. 
One  hour  to-day  is  worth  a  week  to-morrow. 
To-morrow? — it  is  alway  to-day. 

Tongue.     There  are  many  men  who  might  govern 

multitudes  if  they  could  only  govern  their  own 

tongues. 

A  prudent  man  is  tongue-tied. 
You  can't  control  the  tongue  of  others,  but  you 

can  do  better — you  can  control  your  own. 
If  you  can't  hold  your  temper,  hold  your  tongue. 
Many  a  man  has  cut  his  throat  with  his  tongue. 
Put   a   bridle  on  your  tongue,   or  it  will   put  a 

halter  on  you. 
The  sting  of  an  evil  tongue  is  worse  than  the 

sting  of  an  asp. 


194  LACONICS 


Your  tongue  runs  away  with  your  wit. 
The  tongue  is  an  index  to  the  man. 
I  don't  like  raw  tongue  in  a  woman's  mouth.     I 
like  tongue,  but  I  want  it  biled  er  pickled. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Too  Much.    Enough  is  often  too  much. 

Yer  kin  git  tu  much  uf  any  thin'  but  common  sense. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Tools.     The  man  who  drops   his  tools  where  he 

uses  them  is  the  poorest  tool  on  the  ranch. 
Language  is  only  a  tool. 
The  most  wonderful  tool  is  the  human  hand. 

Top.     It  is  hard  to  get  to  the  top ;  you  can  slide  to 

the  bottom. 

Don't  try  to  build  the  top-story  first. 
It  is  better  to  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up 

than  to  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
It  is  easier  to  get  on  top  than  to  stay  there. 
If  it  were  as  easy  to  slide  up-hill  as  it  is  to  slide 

down-hill,  we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 
"Yer  orter  be  a  house-painter,"  said  Bronco  Bill  to 

"the  tallest  man  in  Montana" ;  yer  cud  paint  the 

top-story  'thout  a  ladder." 

Trade.    Let  the  cobbler  stick  to  his  last,  the  farmer 
to  his  plow,  the  preacher  to  his  pulpit,  the  doc- 
tor to  his  pills,  and  the  devil  to  his  imps. 
Buy  of  the  needy  and  sell  to  the  rich. 

Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. 

— Poetry. 

Trade  the  ole  hoss  fer  a  young  'un,  an'  git  suth- 
in'  ter  boot. — Bronco  Bill. 

Don't  trade  your  honor  for  office. 


LACONICS  195 


A  Indiana  circuit  rider  kin  beat  a  "Posey  county 
long-legs"  on  a  hoss-trade. — Bronco  Bill. 

Tragedy.     He's   a   great    actor;   he    tears   tragedy 

into  tatters. 

Tragedy? — The  world  is  full  of  it. 
Training.     Training  is  the  best  teacher. 
Trap.     He  sets  a  trap  for  others  and  puts  his  own 

foot  in  it. 

You  can't  fool  a  fox  twice  into  the  same  trap. 
Don't  try  to  trap  a  fox  with  turnips. 
Travel — traveller.     Travel  your  own  country  first. 
If  you  would  gain  knowledge  by  travelling,  study 

the  country  and  the  people  as  you  go. 
Travellers  find  many  hotels  and  few  friends. 
Treachery.      Of   all    the    vices    of    human    nature 

treachery  is  the  worst. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  Treachery  to  tread; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools   chew   the    chaff  while    cunning   eats    the 

bread, 

And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Tree.     Wisdom   plants   trees.      Folly   hacks   them 

with  his  little  hatchet. 

He  that  plants  trees  for  the  future  is  a  patriot. 
Don't  transplant  an  old  tree. — Arab  Proverb. 
A  family-tree — ape  to  Adam — Adam  to  ape. 
Trial.     Paul,  O  Paul,  forgive  and  be  forgiven; 
Earth  is  all  trial ;  there  is  peace  in  heaven. — Pauline. 

It  is  a  weak  virtue  that  cannot  stand  the  test  of 

trial. 

Trial  is  the  test  of  all  things. 
Try  men  before  you  trust  them. 


ig6  LACONICS 


Tribute.     We  all  pay  tribute  to  success. 

"Pay  unto  Caesar  that  which  is  Caesar's."     Yes, 
but  what  right  has  Caesar  to  demand  tribute? 

Trickster.     The  trickster  tricks  himself. 

Trifles.     There  are  no  trifles  in  this  world. 
Two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust  unite,  cohere, 
And  lo  the  building  of  a  world  begun. — Change. 

Life  is  made  up  of  trifles ;  take  heed  to  the  trifles. 
When  a  hound  is  chasing  a  stag  he  doesn't  stop 

to  bite  fleas. 

Trifles  and  rifles  won  the  day  at  Waterloo. 
We  are  all  trifles  and  triflers. 
We  trifle  with  Time,  but  Time  doesn't  trifle  with 

us. 
Don't  trifle  with  trifles. 

Triumph.     Through  love  and  labor,  triumph. 
We   proclaim   our  triumphs   and   hide   our  mis- 
takes. 

Work  and  wait: 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late: 

Work  and  wait. 
He  sings  his  triumph  before  the  battle  begins. 

Trouble.     Boil  and  bubble,  bubble  and  boil — 
Toil  and  trouble,  trouble  and  toil. 
The  troubles  that  never  come  worry  us  most. 
It  is  easy  to  double  your  trouble. 
He  who  has  no  trouble  of  his  own  will  borrow 
some. 

Life  is  mostly  froth  and  bubble; 

Two  things  stand  like  stone: 
Kindness  in  another's  trouble, 

Courage  in  our  own. — Adam  Lindsay  Gordon. 


LACONICS  197 


Troubles  are  stumbling-blocks  to  the  weak  and 

stepping-stones  to  the  strong. 
Don't  trouble  trouble  till  trouble  troubles  you. 

Trout.     Better  one  trout  on  the  hook  than  ten  in 
the  brook. 

True.     Behold  the  brute's  unerring  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole-star. — Men. 

Forget? — and  yet — can  I  forget 
That  one  was  false  and  one  was  true? 
Although   true,  be  cautious  about  stating  what 

appears  to  be  false. 
Ivery  cratur  is  true  tu  natur. — Bronco  Bill. 

"It  is  true  indade,"  said  Pat,  "but  Oi  don't  be- 
lave  it." 

Trust.     He  who  trusts  everybody,  will  cheat  him- 
self. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  greatest  trust  in  America  is  the  U.  S.  gov- 
ernment. 

Trust  nothing;  try  everything. 

"We  trust  the  people,"  says  the  man  who  sells 
oh  the  "installment  plan." 

"But  we  don't  trust  you,"  say  prudent  people. 

Trust  in  Providence,  but  push  the  work. 

Trust  Providence,  but  look  to  your  collaterals. 

Trust  is  a  dear  shop  to  trade  at. 

Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you. — (After 
Goethe.) 

"Trust   in   Providence,"   said   the   Preacher.      "I 
kin  du  better  fer  cash."  said  the  deaf  old  lady. 

Truth.     Truth   is   the   daughter   of  time    and  the 
mother  of  science. 


ig8  LACONICS 


Truth  is  always  an  oracle. 

To  him  fiction  is  a  familiar  friend,  and  truth  a 

stranger. 

Beware  of  the  truth  that  covers  a  lie. 
Between  true  friends  truth — nothing  but  truth. 
One  truth  fits  all  other  truths;  a  lie  fits  nothing. 
The  naked  truth  needs  no  cloak. 
If  it  is  the  truth  what  matter  who  says  it? 
Truth  always  has  the  ring  of  the  true  metal. 
Truth  can  go  naked ;  falsehood  needs  fine  clothes. 

There  is  no  religion  higher  than  the  truth: 
Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  men, 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  eternal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

— Men. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  stubborn  science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Truth,  like  a  diamond,  ever  loves  the  light. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

God's  right  arm  of  Truth  prevails  in  every  field. 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 
The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 
The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 
While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 
That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  199 


Man  who  hath  walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years  ? 

Groping  among  the  shadows  of  the  night, 
Moon-struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  cant  or  catechism, 
Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 
Sun-touched  by  Truth,  awakes  and  rubs  his  eyes. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
'Tis  easier  to  believe 
An  old-time  fiction  than  to  wear  a  tooth 
In  gnawing  bones  to  reach  the  marrow  Truth. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

Let  virtue  be  our  helmet  and  our  shield, 

And  Truth  our  weapon,  weapon  sharp  and  strong 

And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

The  plainest  truths  are  the  prettiest. 

Truth  never  grows  old,  but  a  lie  soon  loses  its 
teeth. 

Let  truth  be  your  weapon  and  virtue  your  shield. 

There  is  gold  in  all  metals  and  truth  in  all 
creeds. 

Don't  try  to  warp  the  truth  to  fit  you;  fit  your- 
self to  the  truth. 

In  all  things  truth  is  the  climax. 

Truth  and  good  are  one. 

If  you  have  a  mouth  full  of  truth,  think  twice 
before  you  open  it. 

A  half  truth  is  a  whole  lie. 

A  lie  is  dangerous  when  it  creeps  under  the 
cloak  of  truth. 

You  can't  help  truth  with  a  lie. 

It  is  the  truth  that  hurts. 

Truth  needs  no  armor  but  her  naked  breast. 

Truth  is  due  to  the  living  and  the  dead. 


200  LACONICS 


Truth  needs  no  ornament;  she  herself  is  a  dia- 
mond. 

Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  sometimes  under  a  cloud. 
To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 
In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 
Try.     If  one  door  is  shut  try  another. 

If  one  fish  won't  take  the  bait  another  will. 
"Try"  and  "Stick-to-it"  will  bore  a  hole  through  a 

mountain. 

Turkey-cock.    He  struts  and  gobbles  like  a  turkey- 
cock  in  a  hen-yard. 

He  looked  like  a  turkey-cock  on  horseback. 
Tyranny.     The  olden  precedents, 

Oft  stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

— Pauline. 

Tyranny  is  tyranny   whether  in  one  man  or  a 
mob. 

Tyrant.    A  tyrant  is  always  a  coward. 
The  worst  of  all  tyrants  is  the  mob. 

U 

Understand.     It  is  folly  to  approve  what  you  do 
not  understand. 

Unexpected.     Prepare  for  the  unexpected. 
Union.    All  for  each — each  for  all. 

Unit.     Moments  are  the  units  of  eternity. 
Atoms  are  the  units  of  the  universe. 
In  the  vast  universe  man  is  but  an  infinitesimal 

unit. 

It  takes  two  to  make  one. 
It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to  make 

one  unit. 


LACONICS  201 


Unity.     Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  His; 
Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  He; 
One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 
In  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity, 
And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Universe.    Hope  and  trust: 
All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 
Hope  and  trust. 

Hope  and  trust: 
Hope  will  blossom  from  the  dust; 

Love  is  queen;  God's  throne  is  hers; 
His  great  heart  with  loving  force 
Throbs  throughout  the  Universe: 
We  are  His  and  He  is  just: 

Hope  and  trust. — Dust  to  Dust. 

Measure  the  ocean  in  a  drinking  cup? 
Measure  Eternity  by  the  town-clock? 
Nay,  with  a  yard-stick  measure  the  Universe? 
Measure  for  measure  measure  God  by  man? — Men. 

God's  perfect  order  rules  the  vast  expanse, 
And  love  is  queen  and  all  the  realms  are  hers; 
But  strike  one  sun-star  from  the  Universe 
And  all  is  chaos  and  unbridled  chance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand — 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea ; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand — 

Yea,  myriad  millions — what  are  we? — Fame. 


202  LACONICS 


Star  on  star, 

System  on  system,  myriad  worlds  on  worlds, 
Beyond  the  utmost  reach  or  mortal  ken, 
Beyond  the  utmost  flight  of  mortal  dream. — Beyond. 

What  you  know  is  a  grain  of  sand;  what  you 

don't  know  is  the  universe. 
In  the  entire  universe  the  least  is  a  part  of  all. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  circumference. 

Unknown.    We  always  magnify  the  unknown. 
Don't  spend  your  life  seeking  the  unknowable: 
make  bread  out  of  the  known. 

Unlearn.    How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones ! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Up-hill.     On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the 

patient  mule  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 
If  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down- 
hill we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Up-stream.     It  is  easier  to  float  down-stream  than 
to  paddle  up-stream. 

UsefuL    The  useful  is  always  beautiful. 

What  is  not  useful  to-day  may  be  useful  to- 
morrow. 

In  the  whole  universe  there  is  nothing  in  vain — 
nothing  without  its  use. 


V 

Vacant — vacuity.     He  has  a  cranium  full  of  vacu- 
ity. 

His  upper  story  is  to  let. 
He  is  the  picture  of  a  vacuum. 


LACONICS  203 


Valor.     He  who  faces  every  duty  like  a  man   is 

brave  enough. 
Valor  is  a  whole  battalion. 
"The  better  part  uf  valor  is  discreeshin,"  said  the 

Gunnel  when  he  hid  in  the  bresh. — Bronco  Bill. 

Value.     Compel  the  world  to  value  you  at  what 
you  are  worth. 

In  the  long  run  most  men  are  reckoned  at  their 

true  value. 
Vanity.     Vanity  is  an  expensive  luxury. 

The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of 
want. 

Vanity  is  a  disease :  most  people  catch  it. 

It  is  vanity  to  disclaim  vanity. 

Vanity  is  the  fool's  glory. 

Every  man  has  a  streak  of  vanity. 

The  vanity  of  the  rich  is  a  blessing  to  the  poor. 

Vanity  is  the  well-spring  of  much  generosity. 
Variety.  The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self-same  tune 

Forever. 

Change  is  the  order  of  the  Universe. — Change. 
Verbosity.    All  sound  and  no  sense. 

In  the  chaff  of  verbosity  you  will  find  few  grains 
of  sense. 

Full  of  verbosity  he  teaches  "Theosophy" 

In  a  muddle  of  mush,  and  calls  it  Philosophy. 

He  would  talk  the  hind  legs  off  a  hobby-horse. 
Vice.    All  vices  are  blood  relatives. 

No  vice,  no  virtue:  no  evil,  no  good. 

Vice  is  ketchin' :  yer  kin  ketch  a  vice  easier  thun 
yer  kin  cure  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

We  carry  two  burdens — our  own  vices  and  the 
vices  of  our  progenitors. 


204  LACONICS 


Never  open  the  door  to  a  little  vice  lest  a  greater 

sneak  in. 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
Look  out  for  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petticoats. 
At  the  tap-root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 
Vice  leads  to  crime. 

You  can't  cure  one  vice  by  taking  on  another. 
Men's  vices  are  only  virtues  run  wild. 
Vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue  if  it  is  only  a 

fig-leaf. 
The  vicious  are  swift  to  condemn  the  faults  of 

others. 

Victory.     He  has  won  a  great  victory  who  con- 
quers himself. 

'To    the    victors    belong    the    spoils/'    but    the 
"spoils"  spoil  the  victors. 

Vigilance.    "Eternal  vigilance"  is  the  price  of  suc- 
cess. 
That  watch-dog  is  a  vigilance-committee  of  one. 

Villain.    The  cunning  villain  glitters  in  his  eyes. 

Vinegar.     He  carries  a  vinegar  visage  that  would 
sour  sauerkraut. 

Violence.    Where  violence  begins,  reason  ends. 

Virtue.     Negative  virtues  are  good;  positive  vir- 
tues are  better. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools   chew   the   chaff  while   cunning   eats   the 

bread, 

And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  205 


Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 

And    Truth    our    weapon — weapon     sharp     and 
strong, 

And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

Golden  darts  will  pierce  even  virtue's  shield. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

Virtue  is  a  safe  helmet  and  a  sure  shield. 

All  virtues  are  one. 

Virtue  is  its  own  reward : — many  people  think 
it's  poor  pay. 

Virtue  is  safe  only  when  armed  with  knowledge. 

A  cracked  cup  is  easily  broken. 

Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 

At  the  root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 

Vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue,  if  it  is  only  a 
fig-leaf. 

Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  for- 
get your  virtues. 

Virtue  is  betrayed  by  weakness  oftener  than  by 
vice. 

Vixen.     The  vixen  never  comes  to  kiss  unless  she 
means  to  bite. 

Voice.    The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurrying  years 
Cry  from  the  silence — "Change,  perpetual  Change." 

— Change. 

The  hoarse,  low  voice  of  the  years  croaks  on  for- 
ever and  aye. 

Change!  Change!  Change! — Daniel. 
He  has  a  voice  like  a  brass  band. 
He  can  out-bellow  the  bulls  of  Bashan. 

Vows.     A  sailor's  vow — forgotten  as  soon  as  the 

storm  is  over. 

Marriage  vows  air  like  "swarin'  off"  on  the  fust  uf 
January. — Bronco  Bill. 


206  LACONICS 


Vulgarity.     Ignorance  breeds  vulgarity,  and  vul- 
garity breeds  contempt. 


W 

Wag.    A  wag  is  at  the  tail-end  of  wit. 
"My  fawning  dog,"  the  sage  satanic  said, 
'Wags  not  his  tail  for  me,  but  for  my  bread." 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

King   Drone,   flat  fool   that   weather-cocked   all 

winds ; 

Gulped  gall  and  vinegar  and  smacked  it  wine; 
Wig-wagged  his  way  from  gilded  (Eil  de  Bceuf 
Through  mob  and  maelstrom  to  the  guillotine. 

— Men. 
Wag-jaw  is  a  wise  fellow. 

Waiting.    He  is  wise  who  knows  how  and  when  to 

wait. 

Watch  and  wait. 
Don't  wait  for  something  to  turn  up;  go  at  it 

and  turn  it  up. 

Want.    Man's  real  wants  how  simple  and  how  few. 

—Men. 
He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the  least. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

"We  want  but  little  here  below  nor  want  that 
little  long,"  said  the  monkey  when  the  dog  bit 
off  his  tail. 

See  man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want, 

The  prototype  of  all  disquietude ; 

Full  of  trouble,  yet  ever  seeking  more. 

Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves; 

Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea; 


LACONICS  207 


Give  him  the  earth — he  reaches  for  the  stars. 
Doomed  by  his  fate  to  scorn  the  good  he  has, 
And  grasp  at  fancied  good  beyond  his  reach, 
He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. — Men. 

The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of 

want. 
Want  less  and  you'll  have  more. 

War.     War  is  a  dog-fight;  the  bull-dog  wins. 

War  is  an  arena  where  it  is  easier  to  find  a  grave 
than  a  monument. 

War  is  the  battle  of  beasts  and  the  feast  of  vul- 
tures. 

Waste.    Waste  nothing;  all  things  have  their  use; 

God  has  created  nothing  in  vain. 

"Dot  ish  all  right,  mebbe.  I  dink  so  nieder; 
aber  vot  for  Gott  mak  dot  leetel  tarn — vot  you 
call  'im? — mit  die  long  pill  und  dot  leetel 
puzz  ?" — Max. 

Don't  waste  your  breath  on  cold  coals. 
Don't  waste  time  on  trifles. 
The  worst  waste  is  the  waste  of  time. 
Don't  waste  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  looking  for 
a  lost  penny. 

Watch — watchfulness.    Watch  and  wait. 
Watch  the  watchman. 
Set  a  watch  on  the  watcher. 
Watch  a  silent  dog. 

Watch-word.     The  watch-word  is  "Forward." 

Water.     He  writes  on  the  water  and  paints  on  the 

wind. 

I  s'pose  worter  wud  du  tu  drink  ef  yer  cud  strain 
the  micrabs  outer  it. — Bronco  Bill. 


208  LACONICS 


Wax  and  wane.  The  law  of  wax-and-wane  per- 
vades the  Universe. 

Way  of  the  World.  It  is  the  way  of  the  world  to 
hang  a  man  first  and  try  him  afterwards. 

Weak.  Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitterness; 
strong  men  eschew  it. 

Weakness.  The  weakest  spot  in  most  men  is 
where  they  fancy  themselves  the  strongest. 

A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 

Search  out  and  mend  thine  infirmities  and  thy 
virtues  will  take  care  of  themselves. 

No  man  is  perfect:  every  man  has  his  weak 
spot. 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 

Wealth.  Wealth  in  the  hands  of  the  unwise  cre- 
ates more  wants  than  it  supplies. 

One  little  grain  of  wheat  has  benefited  man 
more  than  all  the  diamonds  dug  from  the  earth 
since  the  days  of  Adam. 

The  multi-millionaire — an  ass  staggering  under 
a  loaf  of  bullion. 

Wealth  unemployed  is  a  useless  burden. 

Who  accumulates  wealth  accumulates  care. 

We  carp  at  wealth,  like  the  fox  that  couldn't 
reach  the  grapes. 

Diogenes  lived  in  a  tub  because  he  couldn't  af- 
ford a  cabin. 

We  affect  to  despise  wealth  and  wear  our  soles 
(souls)  out  running  after  it. 

We  curse  Croesus,  because  he  won't  divide. 

"Jim  Hill  is  a  robber!"  cried  the  Governor  of 
Minnesota.  "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens  of 
thousands  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to 
pull  down  the  bakery,"  replied  Hill. 


LACONICS  209 


Great  wealth  is  great  poverty. 

Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  serv- 
ant of  evil. 

Pat  said :  "Wan  bottle  av  'Auld  Oirish  Tay'  '11  make 
a  mon  a  millionaire." 

Weather-cock.  The  higher  you  elevate  a  weather- 
cock the  easier  he  turns  to  the  breeze. 

Wed— wedlock.  The  "outs"  want  in,  and  the  "ins" 
want  out. 

Weed.  Weeds  and  flowers  grow  in  the  same  gar- 
den. 

All  our  cultivated  vegetables  were  once  weeds. 

Weed  out  your  faults  and  cultivate  your  virtues. 

We  can  tolerate  a  few  weeds  in  a  good  garden. 

The  rankest  weed  has  some  use ;  nothing  is  made 
in  vain. 

I  guess  thar's  sum  pertaters  in  thet  patch,  but 
yer  got  ter  pull  a  darn  lot  uf  weeds  ter  find 
'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

Kill  the  weeds  when  young. 

It  takes  a  hard  frost  to  kill  weeds. 

Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 

Weel.  He's  a  chiel  o'  the  Deil— he's  a  ne'er-do- 
weel. 

Welcome.  Baked  potatoes  and  welcome  make  a 
feast. 

Well-doing.    Whatever  you  do,  do  it  well. 

Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing 
well.— Chesterfield. 

Well-done.    If  you  want  it  well-done  do  it  yourself. 

When.  Few  men  know  when  to  begin  and  when 
to  stop. 


210  LACONICS 


Where.  "Where  have  you  been,  Pat?"  "Oi  dunno 
whar  the  divil  Oi  hev  bin,  fer  Oi  didn't  git 
thar." 

Whim.  The  whim  of  youth  may  become  the  habit 
of  age. 

Whiskey.  Thet  Salt  Lake  whiskey,  Jim,  is  dam- 
nashin  distilled  by  the  devil. — Bronco  Bill. 

Whisper.     I  hear  the  whispers  of  the  Universe. 
So  whispering  courage  to  my  timid  heart. — Pauline. 

I  hear  the  low,  hushed  whispers  of  the  dead. 
His  whisper  sounds  like  a  megaphone. 

Whistle.     He  thinks  his  whistle  is  a  bugle  call. 
"Why  did  you   whistle?"  said  the  teacher.     "I 
didn't  do  it,"  said  Johnnie,  "it  whistled  itself." 

White.  A  white  man's  ez  good  ez  a  nigger,  ef  he 
on'y  behaves  his-self. — Bronco  Bill. 

Why.     Wrherefore?   Look  out   upon   the   babbling 

world — 

Fools  clamoring  at  the  heels  of  clamorous  fools ! 
I  hungered  for  the  sapless  husks  of  fame. 

— O  Let  Me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago. 

The  eternal  Why. 

Wickedness.     Wickedness  breeds  wickedness. 
He  is  wicked  who  is  cruel  to  God's  creatures — 
man  or  beast. 

Widow.    "Bevare  of  the  vidder";  she  wears  weeds 

for  her  dead  husband  and  sighs  for  another. 
Thar  ain't  no  dew-drop  kin  dry  quicker  nur  a 
wider's  tears. — Bronco  BUI. 

Wife.    A  frugal  wife  is  better  than  a  big  income. 
The  woman  that  goes  far  for  a  husband  has  need 
of  a  mantle  of  charity. 


LACONICS  211 


A  termagant  wife  is  like  a  horse-fiddle  in  a  sanc- 
tuary. 

Seven  times  out  of  ten  the  wife  is  what  the  hus- 
band makes  her. 

A  wife  dutiful  is  a  wife  beautiful. 

The  good  wife  commands  her  husband  by  obey- 
ing him. 

Men  choose  a  tree  for  its  fruit,  a  wife  for  her 
beauty. 

Here  lies  my  wife :  here  let  her  lie ! 

Now  she's  at  rest,  and  so  am  I. — Dryden  in  "Sug- 
gested Epitaph." 

Wild.    She's  a  little  wild?  there's  time  a-plenty; 
She'll  be  tame  enough  at  ten  and  twenty. 
Gamins — see  the  animal  run  wild. 
It  is  not  far  back   to  the  time  when  our  fore- 
fathers were  wild  animals. 

Will.     All  my  prayers  are  one: 
Father,  thy  will  be  done. 
Will  without  reason  is  a  balky  horse, 
He  has  a  forty-horse  will-power  and  no  engineer 
If  you  will,  you  can. 

Willing.    The  willing  mule  balks  at  last. 
Wills.    Execute  your  own  will. 

Win.     Watch  out  and  win  out. 
When  you  begin  go  in  to  win. 

Wind.     A  drop  of  wisdom  in  a  bag  of  wind. 
He  has  bellows  enough  to  drive  a  wind-mill. 
"God  tempers  the  wind  to  the  shorn  lamb." 
"I   tank   not.      I   tank   Gut   he   demper  ze   leeteT 
sheep  to  ze  wind." — Ole  Olson. 

A  wind-bag  with  a  tin  horn  in  it. 
See  mangy  curs,  whose  editorial  ears 


212  LACONICS 


Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze. 
Slang-whanging   yelp   and    froth    and   snap   and 

snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  food. — Men 

Wine.    Wine  is  a  great  tattler. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk 
Wine  and  wenches  bury  men  in  trenches. 
To  shake  a  little  Shakespeare  in  the  wine: 
Some  rise  by  sin  and  some  by  virtue  fall. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 
Wine    wisely    used    is    a   friend;    to    excess,    an 

enemy. 

Wings.      Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light — on  angel  wings  to  range? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
All  wings  and  no  feet. 

He  flopped  his  wings  an'  fluttened  his  tail-feath- 
ers an'  squawked  a  spread  eagle  speech. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Winter.    A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed ; 
A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 
"Lo  I  blow  my  breath,"  said  Winter, 
"And  the  laughing  brooks  are  silent : 
"Hard  as  flint  become  the  waters, 
And  the  rabbit  runs  upon  them." — The  Sea-Gull. 

Waziya  came   down   from   the   north,  from   the 

land  of  perpetual  winter : 
From  his   frost-covered   beard    issued  forth   the 

sharp-biting,  shrill-whistling  North-wind; 
At  the  touch  of  his  breath  the  wide  earth  turned 

to  stone  and  the  lakes  and  the  rivers. — Winona. 

It's  a  hard  winter  when  wolf  eats  wolf. 


LACONICS  213 


Wisdom.    Wisdom  and  goodness  go  hand  in  hand. 

Wisdom  feeds  on  folly. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 

He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found 
the  right  road  to  wisdom. 

Confession  of  ignorance  is  the  beginning  of  wis- 
dom. 

Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 

One  gathers  the  nuts,  another  cracks  them. 

The  wisdom  of  most  men  is  too  early  or  too  late. 

He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  his  own  ignorance. 

A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 

The  wise  man  gathers  wisdom  from  all  men, 
As  bees  their  honey  hive  from  plant  and  weed. 
Yea,  from  the  varied  history  of  the  world, 
From  the  experience  of  all  times,  all  men, 
The  wise  man  learneth  wisdom. — Men. 

Wise  men  there  be — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men — 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled  in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. — Men. 

Wise  men  there  be — for  owls  are  counted  wise — 
Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  path  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. — Men. 

Folly  sows  broadcast:  wisdom  gathers  in.— Men. 

Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitterness,  wise  men 
eschew  it. 


214  LACONICS 


The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 

than  the  wisdom  of  a  fool. 
He  whom  wisdom  guides  walks  safely. 
Wit  and  Wisdom — pepper  and  salt. 
You    can    spin    even    wisdom    too    fine    for    the 

masses. 

Wise.  A  wise  man  sometimes  changes  his  mind, 
a  fool  never. 

A  wise  man  begins  at  the  beginning,  a  fool,  at 
the  end. 

The  wisest  men  are  sometimes  foolish. 

A  wise  man  never  speaks  unless  he  has  some- 
thing to  say. 

A  wise  man  is  never  ashamed  to  confess  his  ig- 
norance. 

The  wise  head  bends  like  a  ripe  ear  of  corn. 

A  wise  man  may  learn  much  from  a  fool. 

An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 

A  wise  man  is  always  a  good  listener. 

Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 

The  wise  seek  the  services  of  the  wise. 

Wishes.  The  wish  of  to-day  is  the  spur  of  to- 
morrow. 

Wishes  won't  make  pertaters  grow  onless  yer 
plant  'em  an'  hoe  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wit.    Let  not  malice  sharpen  thy  wit. 
His  tongue  runs  away  with  his  wit. 
Wit  is  the  wine  of  life. 

Wit  without  wisdom  is  a  dangerous  weapon. 
All  wit  and  no  wisdom  is  sauce  without  meat. 
Wit  is  a  keen  weapon  in  the  hands  of  a  wit,  and 

a  boomerang  in  the  hands  of  a  dullard. 
Wit  and  wisdom  are  sword  and  shield. 
Wit  without  wisdom  is  lime  without  sand. 
He  "wags"  the  tail-end  of  wit. 


LACONICS  215 


When  a  wit  sits  at  the  dinner  table  the  sauce  is 

better  than  the  meat. 
Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
Put  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 
Wit  and  wisdom  combined  make  a  strong  man. 
When  wine  goes  in  wit  comes  out. 
Better  fore-wit  than  after-wit. 
A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 

Wolf.    Grown  fat  and  arrogant  on  power  and  pelf, 
The  old  time  shepherd  has  become  a  wolf, 
And  only  feeds  his  flock  to  feast  himself. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

When  you  hear  a  wolf  let  the  dogs  loose. 

I  had  rather  eat  a  wolf  than  have  a  wolf  eat  me. 

It's  a  hard  winter  when  wolf  eats  wolf. 

Woman.     I  like  a  she-woman  and  a  he-man. 
The  strength  of  a  woman  is  in  her  weakness. 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool 

of  a  man. 
Man  cannot  dispense  with  woman;  he  couldn't 

be  born  without  her. 
"When  lovely  woman  stoops  to  folly" 
She'll  put  both  feet  in  willy-nolly. 
Woman    is    the    weaker    vessel,    but    she    often 

breaks  her  husband. 

The  society  of  ladies  is  the  school  of  good  man- 
ners. 
A  woman  may  lose  her  diamonds  a  dozen  times, 

her  chastity  but  once. 
Woman   in  public   is  an   actress   on  the   stage; 

study  her  behind  the  curtain. 
There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 
A  prudent  woman  is,  betimes,   deaf,  dumb  and 

blind. 


216  LACONICS 


Woman  brings  to  man  his  greatest  blessing  and 
his  greatest  plague. — Euripides. 

Petticoat-patriots,  sans  bas  and  sans  culottes, 
Rampant  in  rags  and  hunger-toothed,  uproar 
Paris  the  proud. — Men. 

Women  suspect  each  other  because  they  know 

each  other. 
A   shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a 

woman. 

There  is  nobody  so  intolerable  as  a  woman  pro- 
moted by  sudden  wealth  from  a  wash-tub  to  a 

drawing-room. 

A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 
Honor    the    woman    who    mends   her   husband's 

stockings. 
Better  live  with  a  yawling  cat  than  a  brawling 

woman. 

A  woman's  weapon  is  her  tears. 
Women  take  pride  in  what  is  on  them   rather 

than  what  is  in  them. 

Woman  Suffrage.  His  wife  hez  gone  intu  polly- 
tics,  an'  he  hez  tu  swing  the  dish-rag  an'  tend 
the  butt-end  uf  the  baby. — Bronco  Bill. 


Did  the  women  turn  out  and  vote  in  your  pre- 
cinct, Pat?    "Ivery  mon  av  'em,"  said  Pat. 

Wool.     He  pulls  the  wool  over  his  own  eyes. 
"All  Wool":  it  uster  grow  on  sheep,  but  most 
uf  it  grows  on  cotton-bresh  now-a-days. 

—Bronco  Bill. 

Words.     The   wise   weigh   words;   fools   measure 

them  by  the  yard. 
Words  are  flowers,  deeds  are  fruit. 
Fair  words  are  pap  for  fools. 


LACONICS  217 


"I  am  a  mon  of  few  words,"  said  Mike. 
"Thrue  indade,"  said   Pat,   "but  ye   spake  'em  te 

iverybody." 
Bind  an  honest  man  with  his  word,  a  knave  with 

a  log-chain. 

Weigh  thy  words:  thy  words  will  weigh  thee. 
Big  words,  little  deeds. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 
Words  are  clumsy  wings  for  burning  thoughts. 
Word  o'  mouth  is  slippery :  let  it  be  writ. 

Work.     Work  hard  and  think  harder. 

Workmen  are  plenty,  but  the  masters  few. — Poetry. 

Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use ; 
In  rest  they  rust.    A  goodly  recompense 
Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

— Poetry. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. — Poetry. 

Work  wins. 

The  hardest  work  a  man  can  do  is  doing  nothing. 

Work  makes  the  workman. 

Good  work  requires  good  tools. 

You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 

yourself. 
Trust  in  Providence,  but  push  the  work. 

Work  and  wait ; 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate ; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late ; 

Work  and  wait. 
There  is  always  plenty  of  work  to  be  done;  the 

difficulty  is  to  find  willing  men  fit  for  the  work. 


218  LACONICS 


There  is  no  work  so  tiresome  as  doing  nothing. 
Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 
The  sure  cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 
Our  work  is  never  done  till  we  are  done. 
It  is  the  duty  of  society  to  furnish  work  for  the 
willing  and  needy. 

World.  The  beginning  of  the  world  was  the  union 
of  two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust. 

The  world  is  entering  the  twilight  of  dawn. 

We  must  take  the  world  as  we  find  it  and  im- 
prove it  if  we  can. 

Let's  make  the  most  uf  this  world;  no  flyin'-ma- 
chine,  so  far,  kin  take  us  tu  anether. — Bronco  Bill. 

The  world  is  a  combination  of  contraries. 

The  man  who  said,  "One-half  the  world  does  not 

know  how  the  other  half  lives,"  didn't  live  in 

a  country  village. 
The  world  is  like  a  mirror;  smile  and  it  smiles, 

frown  and  it  frowns. 
If  we  despise  the  world,  the  world  will  despise 

us. 
Let  the  world  wag:  it  will  wag  anyway. 

Worm.    The  reef  that  wrecked  the  battle-ship  was 

the  work  of  little  worms. 
The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 
What    knows    he    of    the    huge,    round,    rolling 

Earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond. 

— Beyond. 
Worry.     Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 

Worse.  No  man  is  the  worse  for  knowing  the 
worst. 


LACONICS  219 


"It  might  a-been  worse,"  said  the  widow  when 
her  husband  was  hanged. 

Worship.     He  who   worships  himself  worships   a 

wooden  calf. 
Most  men  worship  the  Golden  Calf. 

Wretched.  The  way  to  make  yourself  wretched 
is  to  fancy  that  you  are  wretched. 

Write.     I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon  the  Rock 
Of  Ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. — Poetry. 
Say  little,  write  less. 

It  gin  'im  the  "blues"  an'  he  tackled  the  Muse, 
An'  he  tuk  a  pen  an'  writ. — Bronco  Bill. 

Writing.     There  is   sweeter  poetry  in  the   hearts 

of  men 

Than  ever  poet  wrote  or  minstrel  sung. — Poetry. 
The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 
Was  Charity — writ  in  the  sand. — Charity. 

Wrong.  When  we  are  on  the  wrong  road  the  fur- 
ther we  go  the  further  we  fall  behind. 

He  who  wrongs  you  will  never  forgive  you  for  it. 

If  you  wrong  another  you  wrong  yourself. 

Let  there  be  no  room  in  thy  heart  for  the  mem- 
ory of  a  wrong. 


Year.    The  years  of  God  are  one. 

Yesterday.    The  eternal  yesterday  is  yours;  study 
it. 

Young.    Be  old  when  you  are  young  and  you  will 

be  young  when  you  are  old. 
Kill  the  weeds  when  the  weeds  are  young. 


220  LACONICS 


Your  own.    There  is  no  fruit  so  sweet  as  that  from 

your  own  planting. 
If  you  don't  blow  your  own  horn  nobody  will 

blow  it  for  you. 
Better   baked   beans   in   your   own   house,   than 

roast  turkey  in  another's. 
Plant  your  own  field  first. 

Yourself.     Fear  no  man  but  yourself. 
Trust  yourself  first. 
Never  ask  your  friends  to  do  for  you  what  you 

can  do  for  yourself. 
All   great   men    have   defects;   you   have   a   few 

yourself. 

S-elf-deception  is  a  pit-fall  dug  by  yourself. 
If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  yourself. 
Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you. 
There  is  only  one  to  whom  you  can  safely  trust 

your  secrets — yourself. 
If  you  want  it  well  done,  do  it  yourself. 

Youth.    Mold  the  clay  of  youth  while  it  is  moist. 
Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
Youth  is  a  seed-field ;  beware  what  you  sow  in  it. 


Zeal.    Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 
Zeal  is  a  fire  that  must  be  watched. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  a  braying  ass. 
Zeal  without  knowledge  runs  into  ditches  in  the 
dark. 


IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT      221 


Irish  Bulls  and  Irish  Wit. 

(The  author  claims  to  be  the  "original  author"  of  those 
marked  with  a  *.) 

Said  Pat  to  the  priest:  "Father,  Oi  hope  Oi  may 
live  te  hear  ye  prache  me  funeral  sermon." 

Said  Mike  to  his  wife :  "Whin  Oi  married  ye,  Biddy, 
ye  hadn't  a  rag  te  yer  back."  "True  indade,  Mike,  an' 
now  it's  all  rags,"  said  Biddy. 

"Is  your  sister's  baby  a  son  or  a  daughter?"  asked 
a  friend  of  Tim.  "Faith,"  replied  Tim,  "Oi  dunno  yit 
wheder  Oi'm  an  uncle  er  an  ant." 

"Darlint,"  said  Pat  to  his  sweetheart,  "Oi  love  ye 
as  well  ez  Oi  wud  ef  Oi  hed  knowd  ye  fer  siven  long 
years,  an'  a  gra-ate  dale  bether." 

Mike  O'Rourke  went  to  confession  and  told  the 
priest  a  lot  of  his  peccadillos.  "Have  you  told  me 
all?"  asked  the  priest.  "Barin'  wan,"  said  Mike;  "Oi 
stole  Widdy  Maloney's  pig."  "Ah,  Mike,"  said  the 
priest,  "you  must  make  restitution;  you  must  return 
the  pig  to  Mrs.  Maloney."  "But  Oi  can't,"  said  Mike, 
"he's  kilt,  an'  Oi  ate  'im."  "Then  you  will  have  to 
pay  her  double  the  value  of  the  pig  or  you'll  never  get 
into  Heaven,"  said  the  priest.  "But  nobody  but  me 
an'  yerself  knows  it,  an'  ye  daren't  pache  on  me,"  said 
Mike.  "Ah,  Mike,"  said  the  priest,  "when  you  get  up 
to  St.  Peter's  gate  you'll  find  Widow  Maloney  an'  her 
pig  both  there  to  confront  you."  "Father,  be  ye  shure 
thot  Widdy  Maloney  an'  her  pig'll  both  be  there?" 
"Sure,"  said  the  priest,  "unless  you  make  restitution." 
"Thin,"  said  Mike,  "Oi'll  make  reshtitootion :  Oi'll  tell 
Widdy  Maloney  te  take  her  dom  pig."  * 

"Come  in,  ye  spalpeen,"  said  Biddy  to  her  drunken 
husband,  "ye  must  be  fatagued,  walkin'  a  long  road 
fer  a  jug  av  whuskey."  "Arrah !"  said  Pat,  "it  wuzn't 


222      IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT 


the  long  uv  the  road,  but  the  broad  av  it,  thot  fa- 
tagued  me." 

"Guilty  or  not  guilty?"  asked  the  judge,  when  Pat 
was  arraigned  on  a  criminal  charge.  "How  the  divil 
kin  Oi  tell  till  Oi  hear  the  ividence?"  replied  Pat. 

"Ah,  Mike,  ye've  gone  an'  sold  thot  old  pot  thot's 
bin  in  this  family  fer  three  generations.  What  made 
ye  do  thot  ?"  said  Biddy.  "Oi  wudn't  be  af ther  partin' 
wid  it,"  said  Mike,  "on'y  fer  four  'bits'  te  buy  a  bag 
av  petates  te  bile  in  it." 

"Pat,"  said  Tim,  "don't  marry  young.  Oi  wuz  on'y 
twinty-wan  whin  Oi  got  married,  an'  Oi'll  niver  marry 
so  young  agin  ef  I  live  te  be  ez  old  ez  Methuselum." 

Two  Irishmen  were  working  at  a  mine.  One  of 
them  fell  into  a  deep  pit.  The  other  yelled  down  to 
him,  "Say,  Pat,  be  ye  kilt?"  "Not  intirely,"  replied 
Pat,  "but  Oi'm  knocked  spacheless." 

"I  am  waiting  for  a  patient  like  Patience  on  the 
monument,"  said  a  young  doctor  to  his  Irish  servant. 
"An'  whin  yez  gits  wan,"  said  Pat,  "it  won't  be  long 
befoor  the  monument  be  on  the  patient."  * 

"I  have  a  very  dangerous  case  here,"  said  the  coun- 
try doctor.  "Yis,  indade,  an'  it's  yer  midicin-case, 
docthor,"  replied  Mrs.  Maloney.* 

"Plaze  give  me  a  dose  av  yer  midicin,  dochtor." 
"What  kind?"  asked  the  physician.  "Ony  kind  ye 
carry,  dochtor."  "What  ails  you,  Pat?"  "Oi'm  tired 
o'  foightin'  wid  Biddy,  an  Oi'm  dyin'  te  be  kilt/'  said 
Pat.* 

"Me  pore  brother  Mike  hez  gone  te  the  divil,"  said 
Tim.  "Indade,  is  he  dead?"  asked  his  friend  Flanne- 
gan.  "No;  it's  woorse,"  said  Tim,  "he's  gone  te  a 
lahyer."  * 

"Whar  be  ye  goin',  Pat?"  asked  a  friend  who  met 
him  on  the  road.  Pat  replied:  "Me  boy,  Tim  hez 


IRISH   BULLS   AND   IRISH   WIT      223 


rooned  away  and  gone  te  the  divil,  an'  Oi  goin' 
afther  'im."  * 

"Thim  dom  biled  eggs  hez  checkins  in  'em,"  said 
Mike  to  his  friend  at  a  lunch-counter.  "Spake  aisy, 
Mike,"  said  his  friend,  "er  they'll  charge  ye  extra  fer 
the  checkins."  * 

"Whar  hev  ye  bin,  Pat  ?"  "Oi  dunno  whar  the  divil 
Oi  hev  bin,  fer  Oi  didn't  git  thar,"  said  Pat.* 

"Oi'm  a  mon  av  few  wor-rds,"  said  McGroarty. 
"Thrue,  indade,"  said  Tim,  "but  ye  spake  'em  te  ivery- 
body."  * 

"Lind  me  five  shillins,  Tim,  an'  Oi'll  make  ye  a 
millionaire,"  said  Mike.  "Arrah,  ye  spalpeen,  whin 
will  ye  make  me  a  millionaire?"  "In  twinty  minits," 
said  Mike— "wid  a  bottle  av  'Auld  Irish  tay.' "  * 

"Widdy  O'Brien,"  said  Pat,  "Oi  hev  a  gra-ate 
sacret  an'  Oi  nade  a  woman  te  help  me  kape  it."  * 

Pat,  who  had  just  arrived  from  Erin,  and  voted  the 
"Dimecratic  ticket"  in  New  York,  saw  for  the  first 
time  a  steam-shovel  at  work.  "Bad  luck  te  yez,  ye 
dom  Nager  Republikin  machane!"  growled  Pat,  "ye 
kill  the  pore  wor-rkin'  mon  an'  thin  stale  the  bread 
out  av  'is  mout.  Ye  kin  toot-toot,  an'  poof-poof,  an' 
dig-dig,  but — Glory  be  te  God ! — yez  can't  vote."  * 

"Oi've  cotched  a  Tartar,"  yelled  Pat  from  the  picket 
line.  "Bring  'im  in,"  replied  his  Captain.  "Oi  can't," 
said  Pat.  "Then  come  in  yourself,  Pat,"  said  the  Cap- 
tain. "But  the  dom  Hathen  won't  let  me,"  said  Pat. 

(This  is  the  origin  of  "Caught  a  tartar,"  and  nearly 
equivalent  to  the  "Auribus  teneo  lupum"  of  Terence.) 

"It  be  a  long  road  thot  niver  raches  the  ind,"  said 
Mike.* 

"Avide  ony  road  thot  tur-runs  te  the  left,"  said 
Tim,  "it  allus  lades  te  the  divil."  * 

"Yer  auld  frind  Mac  hez  got  a  job  at  lasht,"  said 


224      IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT 

Pat.     "Whar?"    asked    Sam.    "In   the   pinetinchery," 
said  Pat.* 

"My  conscience  aches,"  said  a  penitent  at  a  camp- 
meeting.  "It  be  achin'  fer  a  plashter  av  'green- 
backs,' "  said  Hooligan.* 

"I'll  give  you  'ninety  days '  and  the  'gold  cure,' " 
said  the  police  judge  to  Pat,  arrested  for  being  drunk 
on  the  street.  "Oi  don't  nade  the  ninety  days,  Joodge," 
said  Pat,  "but  Oi'm  pore  an'  nady,  an'  Oi'll  take  the 
goold  cure,  plaze."  * 

"Jisht  befoor  the  Battle  av  the  B'yne  began"  private 
Pat  Murphy  was  handed  an  iron  "breast-plate"  by  his 
Captain  and  told  to  strap  it  on  over  his  vital  parts. 
Pat  proceeded  immediately  to  strap  it  on  over  the  big- 
ger part  of  him  "behint."  The  Captain  laughed  and 
passed  on.  After  the  "retrate"  Pat  pulled  off  his 
breast-plate  and  found  the  mark  of  a  musket  ball  on 
it.  "Look  o'  thot,  Captain,"  said  Pat;  "the  inemy 
knowed  whar  me  'vital  pairts'  be,  ez  well  ez  Oi 
knowed  it  mesel."* 

Champ  Clark,  an  Irishman  from  Cork,  went  fishing 
for  cat-fish  in  the  "Missouree."  He  finally  caught  one 
— a  forty-pound  cat-fish,  and  for  safe-keeping,  lugged 
it  up  the  steep  bank  and  deposited  it  in  a  mud-hole. 
Then  Champ  went  back  and  fished  till  sundown,  but 
"he  didn't  git  nary  nuther  bite."  Meantime  a  little 
darkey,  who  had  been  fishing  down  below,  and  caught 
only  one  little  two-pound  "cat,"  came  along.  He 
fished  out  Champ's  forty-pounder,  dropped  his  two- 
pounder  in  the  mud-hole  and  skipped.  Champ  finally 
crawled  up  the  high  bank  and  poked  around  in  the 
mud-hole  for  his  big  fish.  He  found  the  little  cat — 
the  only  fish  in  the  hole.  Champ  looked  "fatagued," 
but  he  braced  up  "wid  a  sup  av  coold  tay  f rum  his 
impty  jug,"  and  picked  up  the  little  "cat."  "It  be  a 


IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT      225 

cot,  sure,"  said  Champ,  "an'  the  ony  fish  in  thot  hole. 
It  musht  be  me  cot-fish.  Beloike  thot  coold  tay  mag- 
gefoid  'im  a  bit  whin  Oi  cotched  'im,  but,  nay-the-less. 
— loike  me  frind  Tiddy — Gorry  moighty — how  he  be 
shrunk !"  * 

At  a  regimental  parade,  after  the  final  victory  at 
Ladysmith  in  the  Boer  War,  the  colonel  of  a  "crack" 
British  regiment  ordered  Corporal  Pat  Nolan  to  step 
two  paces  to  the  front.  "Corporal  Nolan,"  said  the 
Colonel,  "I  am  ordered  by  her  Majesty,  the  Queen,  to 
pin  this  bronze  medal  on  your  breast  for  your  gallant 
conduct  in  the  defense  of  Ladysmith,  and  to  deposit 
in  the  bank,  at  interest,  payable  to  you  annually  for 
life,  this  ten-pound  note  of  the  Bank  of  England." 
"Kin  Oi  spake  wan  wor-rd?"  asked  Pat  with  a  salute. 
"Proceed,"  said  the  Colonel.  "Ef  it  be  all  the  same  te 
yerself  an'  the  Quane,"  said  Pat,  "plaze  pin  thot  tin- 
pound  note  on  me  breasht,  an'  put  the  midal  te  me 
cridit  in  the  bank." 

"It  is  wid  gra-ate  pleasure  thot  Oi  extind  te  ye  me 
hear-rt-felt  sympathy  on  the  death  av  yer  beloved  hus- 
band," wrote  Desmond  to  Mrs.  Parnell.* 

A  young  lady  at  a  crowded  concert  was  looking  for 
a  seat.  A  polite  Irishman  (who  was  occupying  one 
himself),  said  to  her:  "Oi  wud  be  plazed  te  give  ye 
a  sate,  Miss,  but  ivery  wan  av  the  impty  sates  be  all 
full  intirely." 

An  Irishman  whose  feet  were  of  different  size  or- 
dered a  pair  of  boots  made  accordingly.  They  were 
delivered,  and,  as  he  tried  to  get  his  larger  foot  into 
the  smaller  boot,  he  broke  out :  "Dom  thot  shoemaker. 
Oi  told  'im  te  make  wan  boot  larger  than  the  ether, 
an'  the  dom  fool  hez  made  wan  boot  smaller  than  the 
ether." 

An  Irishman  got  out  of  a  train  at  a  lunch  station, 


226      IRISH   BULLS   AND   IRISH   WIT 


and  while  he  was  eating  his  lunch  the  train  pulled  out. 
"Mould  on ! — stop !"  yelled  Pat,  "thar's  wan  passen- 
ger on  boord  thot  ye've  left  behint." 

"It  is  very  sickley  here  this  year/'  said  one  resident 
of  Dublin  to  another.  "Yis,  indade,"  said  the  other, 
"mony  people  hev  died  this  year  thot  niver  died 
befoor." 

"Where  is  the  other  end  of  this  rope?"  demanded 
the  mate  of  an  Irish  sailor.  "It's  cut  off,  sor,"  said 
the  sailor. 

"Me  grandfather  is  dead,  an'  he  willed  all  his 
property  te  me,"  said  Pat.  "Whin  did  he  make  his 
will?"  asked  Mike.  "Immadiately  afther  he  died," 
said  Pat* 

"Misther  Dobbin,  I  want  ye  te  make  me  will,"  said 
Mike.  "What  disposition  do  you  want  to  make  of 
your  property?"  asked  Lawyer  Dobbin.  "I  want  te 
lave  it  all  te  meself  entirely,"  said  Mike.* 

"Afther  he  wuz  past  cure  the  dochtor  give  'im  a 
dose  av  midicin  thot  cured  'im  immadiately,"  said 
Mrs.  Ryan.* 

"Ef  ye  don't  recave  this  letther,  ye  may  be  sure  it 
hez  got  losht  in  the  post,  so  plaze  answer  it  immadi- 
ately," wrote  O'Brien  to  his  wife. 

"Oi  beg  yer  pardon ;  Oi  ought  te  hev  answered  your 
letther  two  weeks  ago,  but  Oi  recaved  it  on'y  this 
mornin,"  wrote  McGroarty  to  Dougherty. 

"Hev  ye  a  drop  av  the  'cratur'  wid  ye,  Pat?" 
"Oi've  on'y  an'  impty  bottle  filled  wid  wahter,"  said 
Pat.* 

"Mr.  Spaker,"  said  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  in  the  Irish 
Parliament  (1775)  "it  is  the  juty  av  ivery  lover  av  his 
country  te  give  his  lasht  guinea  te  save  the  re- 
mainder." 


IRISH   BULLS   AND   IRISH   WIT      227 


"There  wuz  nobody  in  the  coach  but  two  passengers 
on  the  outside,"  said  Pat. 

Pat,  who  had  never  seen  a  railway  engine,  came 
over  from  Ireland.  His  brother  Mike,  who  was  a  sec- 
tion boss  on  the  Harlem,  just  above  New  York,  met 
him  at  Castle  Garden  and  took  him  up  the  Hudson  in 
a  sailboat.  After  dinner  they  took  a  walk  up  the 
track  over  a  fill  and  into  a  deep  cut.  Just  then  the 
"Albany  Flyer"  came  tooting  down  the  track.  "Roon, 
Pat — roon  fer  yer  life !"  yelled  Mike  as  he  ran  up  the 
slope  of  the  cut.  But  Pat  took  the  track  and  he  ran 
for  the  fill. 

The  cow-ketcher  ketched   'im  an'  over  the  grade 

Tumbled  Pat  an'  a  dale  av  a  moanin'  he  made ; 

Frightened  Mike  he  ran  down  where  poor  Patsy 
was  spilt: 

"It  be  a  mi-racle,  Patsy,  that  ye  wuzn't  kilt ; 

Why  didn't  ye  roon,  Pat?"     "An'  did'nt  Oi  roon? 

But  thot  dom  snortin'  cratur  cud  bate  a  balloon." 

"Dom  it,  Patsy,  why  didn't  ye  roon  up  the  hill  ? 

Yez  come  nigh  a-gittin'  a  ride  te  the  divil." 

"Aw,  Mike,"  stammered  Pat,  as  he  limped  on  the 
fill, 

"Ef  Oi  cudn't  bate  the  dom  baste  on  the  livil, 

Sure,  how  cud  Oi  bate  'im  a-roonin'  up  hill  ?"  * 

— Pat  and  the  Flyer. 

"It  is  a  gra-ate  comfort  te  be  all  alone  by  yerself," 
said  Pat,  "ef  ye  hev  yer  swateheart  wid  ye." 

"Mike,  I'm  goin'  te  build  me  a  new  house ;  Oi'll  pul 
down  the  old  wan  an'  use  the  metarial  in  buildin'  the 
new  one."  "Where  will  ye  live,  Pat?"  "Oi'll  live  in 
the  old  wan  till  the  new  wan  be  finished." 

Tim  wired  from  New  York  to  the  coroner  at  Los 
Angeles:  "Oi'm  afeard  thot  unknown  mon  thot  wuz 
drownded  on  Dead-man's  Island  is  me  long  lost 


228      IRISH   BULLS   AND   IRISH   WIT 


brother.  Plaze  look  'im  over  wid  care  an'  see  ef  he 
be  near-sighted  an'  hev  an  impidiment  in  his  spache."  * 

"Thar  is  not  wan  man  in  the  House  of  Commons," 
roared  an  Irish  member,  "thot  hez  not  felt  the  thruth 
of  me  argyment  throbbin'  in  his  hea-art  fer  a  thou- 
sand years."  * 

"Oirland,"  roared  an  Irish  member  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  "  '11  give  England  her  death-blow,  an'  she'll 
niver  recoover  frum  it  in  a  hundered  years."  * 

"It  wud  be  bether,  Mr.  Spaker,  te  give  up  a  part  av 
the  Constitution,  or  aven  the  whole  av  it,  te  save  the 
remainder." — Sir  Boyle  Roche  in  the  Irish  Parliament. 

"Gentlemen,  isn't  one  man  as  good  as  another?" 
cried  a  stump-speaker.  "Av  coorse  'e  is — an'  a  dom 
sight  bether,"  yelled  an  excited  Irishman.* 

At  the  battle  av  B'yne  not  a  mon  av  me  company 
escaped  alive,  except  foor  thot  wuz  drownded  in  the 
river. — Capt.  Connor. 

Olives.  People  fond  of  salt-pickled  Spanish  olives 
can  appreciate  the  following:  An  Irish  judge  (justice 
of  the  peace)  who  resided  and  held  court  at  Booly- 
glass,  County  Kilkenny,  had  many  friends  who  had 
emigrated  from  that  county  to  the  police  force  in  New 
York  City.  On  the  pressing  invitation  of  all  the 
members  of  the  "foorce,"  including  "Croaker,"  the 
boss,  the  "Joodge"  came  over  to  New  York  to  meet 
his  Hibernian  friends  and  be  hailed  and  feasted  by 
them.  They  gave  him  a  royal  reception  and  a  banquet 
at  Delmonico's.  The  "Joodge"  had  never  seen  an 
olive.  When  the  champagne  and  "auld  Irish  tay"  had 
taken  effect,  and  "Erin-go  Bragh"  got  "fast  and  furi- 
ous," and  the  hilarity  of  the  occasion  was  at  high  tide, 
the  "Joodge"  discovered  a  small  plate  of  green  pickled 
olives  near  his  plate,  and  tried  to  eat  one.  He  spat  it 
out.  He  tried  another,  and  with  a  wry  face  spat  it 


IRISH    BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT      229 

out  vigorously.  He  looked  indignant  as  he  arose: 
"Gintlemin,"  said  the  Joodge,  "Oi  don't  wish  te  dish- 
turb  the  hilarity  av  this  gra-ate  occasion,  but  Oi  feel 
thot  the  dignity  av  meself  an'  the  High  Coorts  av  Ire- 
land demond  thot  Oi  make  a  remairk." 

"Remairk!  Remairk!  Remairk!"  was  yelled  unani- 
mously by  the  ^-lorified  Sons  of  Erin ;  and  the  Joodge 
proceeded :  "Gintlemin,  Oi'm  plazed  te  be  compilled 

te  make  the  remairk  thot  the  gintlemon  ez  p in 

the  pickles  is  no  gintlemon  at  all." 

"We  Hinglishmen  live  better  than  you  Hirishmen," 
said  a  Briton  to  Pat  in  the  town  of  Tipperary;  "we 
'ave  roast  beef  and  potatoes  for  dinner  every  day." 
"A  divil  a  bit  kin  ye  bate  us,"  said  Pat,  "thot  be  jisht 
phwot  Oi  ate  fer  me  dinner  three  toims  ivery  day — 
barin'  the  bafe."  * 

"Oi'd  loike  te  twisht  the  tail  av  thot  'divil'  in  the 
prentin'  office  ez  bod  ez  he  twishted  me  tale  this 
mornin',"  said  a  Dublin  reporter.* 

"Be  ye  huntin'  a  job?"  asked  the  section-boss  of  a 
tramp.  "Yis,  an  aisy  wan,"  said  the  hobo.  "Gwan!" 
said  the  boss,  "ye'll  find  it  in  the  jail."  * 

An  Irish  policeman  on  Broadway  was  trying  to 
make  a  crowd  of  people  standing  in  front  of  a  shop 
move  on.  "Gintlemin,  plaze  move  on,"  said  he.  "Ef 
ivery  mon  av  yez  stands  blockin'  the  way,  how  the 
divil  kin  the  rest  av  yez  git  by  ?" 

It  was  a  Dublin  paper  that  reported  in  1890  that 
"The  health  of  Mr.  Parnell  has  lately  taken  a  bad 
turn,  and  serious  fears  of  his  recovery  are  enter- 
tained." 

"Dochtor,"  said  a  very  sick  Irishman,  "whin  Oi  die, 
be  sure  te  make  a  post-mortar  examination  and  find 
out  what  ails  me,  fer  Oi'm  dyin'  te  know." 


23o      IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT 


Said  Pat  on  his  death-bed :  "Don't  bury  me  alive 
till  afther  Oi'm  criminated" — (cremated).* 

In  a  legal  argument  before  the  Court  an  Irish  bar- 
rister exclaimed:  "Thot  hez  bin  the  lah,  yer  Honor, 
f rum  time  immemorial  fer  the  lasht  tin  years !"  The 
"Coort  took  it  under  advisement"  for  the  next  tin 
years."  * 

"An'  yer're  fayther  is  dead?"  said  Mike.  "Indade 
he  is,"  said  Tim.  "An'  it's  what  we'll  all  hev  to  come 
to  if  we  live  long  enough." 

"I'm  fighting  for  the  dear  people,"  cried  a  candi- 
date for  Congress.  "How  mony  av  'em  hev  yez  in  yer 
family?"  asked  Pat.* 

"Gintlemin,  Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  ancestors,"  said 
Pat,  "but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity  fer  Biddy  an' 
me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em."  * 

At  an  anti-England  mass-meeting  in  Dublin,  it  was 
vociferously  resolved  "to  gather  up  all  the  notes  of 
the  Bank  of  England  to  be  found  in  Ireland,  and  make 
a  bonfire  and  burn  'em." 

"Do  you  understand  French,  Pat?"  "Sure  Oi  duz 
ef  ye  spake  it  in  Oirish,"  said  Pat. 

"What  be  yer  politics?"  asked  the  Tammany  boss  of 
the  Bowery,  of  a  "raw  recruit"  from  Erin  who  wanted 
a  "star  on  the  Foorce."  "Oi  be  agin  the  goovern- 
mint,"  said  Mike.  "Why  be  ye  agin  the  goovern- 
mint  ?"  asked  the  boss.  "Me  grandfayther,  me  fayther 
an'  ivery  dom  mon  in  Oirland  allus  be  agin  the  goov- 
ernmint,"  said  Mike.  "Oi'll  be  plazed  te  ricommind 
ye  fer  a  'star':  ye'll  make  a  thrue  Tammany  Dime- 
crat,"  said  the  boss.* 

"What  are  you  doing  there?"  yelled  the  major  at 
Color-sergeant  Pat  running  to  the  rear  with  the  flag. 
"Oi'm  flagin'  the  inemy  te  folly  ef  they  dare,"  said 
Pat.* 


IRISH   BULLS   AND   IRISH   WIT      231 


"Boys,"  said  the  captain  when  the  battle  begun, 
"you're  going  into  hell.  Remember  your  country  and 
follow  the  flag."  "Plaze  take  the  lead  wid  the  flag 
yerself,  sor,  an'  we'll  folly  ye  te  the  gate,"  said  pri- 
vate Pat.* 

An  Irishman,  who  had  never  seen  a  canary  bird, 
came  over  from  the  land  of  the  "Green"  and  hired 
out  to  a  Yankee  in  Hoboken.  The  next  day  Pat  dis- 
covered a  "yellow- jacket"  wasp  nest  in  the  stable. 
"Phot  be  thot?"  asked  Pat  of  his  employer.  "It's  a 
nest  of  canary  birds,"  said  the  Yankee  wag:  "hold 
your  hand  up  under  the  nest  and  a  beautiful  little  bird 
will  come  out  and  sing  ye  a  song."  Pat  put  the  back 
of  his  hand  up  under  the  hole  in  the  bottom  of  the 
nest,  and  immediately  a  "yellow-jacket"  came  out  on 
his  hand. 

"Ah,"  said  Pat,  "ye  purthy  little  cratur,  ring-straked 
an'  speckled  wid  goold !  Now,  ye  darlint  little  boord, 
sing  me  a  song — sing  'Erin  go  Bragh'  fer  me,  plaze — 
Ouch! — howly  Jasus!  how  it  bur-rns  whar  she  puts 
her  little  futs  !"  * 

Mike  fell  in  a  fit  and  remained  so  long  unconscious 
and  rigid  that  all  thought  he  was  dead.  They  put  him 
in  a  box  and  held  a  "wake"  over  him.  Past  midnight, 
in  the  height  of  the  hilarity,  his  old  chum  Pat  put  a 
bottle  of  whiskey  at  the  head  of  the  "corpse."  "Take 
a  sup  av  it,  Mike,"  said  Pat.  Immediately  Mike 
grabbed  the  bottle  and  rose  up  in  the  box.  The 
women  screamed,  but  Mike's  old  chum  had  nerve: 
"Howly  Gosht!  Mike,  lie  doon:  ye  be  dead  ez  a  salt 
mackerel,  an'  we  be  holdin'  a  'wake'  over  yez,  Mike, 
an'  the  praste  be  prayin'  ye  out  av  Pugatory,"  said 
Pat. 

"Arrah,"  said  Mike.    "De  ye  think  Oi  be  sic  a  dom 


232      IRISH   BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT 


fule  te  be  dead,  wid  a  bottle  av  'Erin-go-bragh'  at  me 
head?"* 

"Halt,"  yelled  the  sergeant  to  private  Pat  break- 
ing for  the  rear  in  a  smart  skirmish;  "yer  no  brave 
man,  Pat."  "Sure,  Oi'm  brave  enough  meself,"  said 
Pat,  "but  Oi  can't  kape  me  dom  legs  frum  roonin' 
away  wid  me." 

The  following  dialogue  occurred  in  Los  Angeles  be- 
tween Captain  Murphy  and  Corporal  McGroarty : 
"Wuz  ye  in  the  Civil  War,  Mac?"  "Sure,  Oi  wuz, 
Murphy,  fer  six  long  months  an'  tin  days."  "War 
yez  an  officer,  Mac?"  "Indade  Oi  wuz;  Oi  hild  a 
commissary  frum  the  Prisidint  ez  Carporal  in  the 
'Tammany  Tigers.' "  "How  auld  be  ye,  Carporal,  an' 
hev  ye  a  pinsion?"  "Oi  be  pasht  sivinty-wan  an'  Oi 
niver  axed  fer  a  pinsion."  "De  ye  know,  Carporal, 
ye  be  intitled  te  an  auld-age  pinsion  av  $15  ivery 
month?  Ye  shud  apply  fer  it  immadiately."  "Shure 
Oi  knows  it,  but  Oi  wouldn't  tech  an  auld-age  pinsion 
wid  a  tin  fut  shtick:  thim  auld-age  pinsioners  be  all 
dyin'  aff  ivery  day,"  said  McGroarty.* 

"Bad  luck  te  Auld  England!"  cried  an  Irish  mem- 
ber of  the  House  of  Commons;  "ye  hev  took  ivery 
thing  from  Oireland  but  the  taxes,  an'  now  ye  be 
thryin'  te  take  away  the  taxes."  * 

In  the  presidential  campaign  of  1856  Millard  Fill- 
more  was  the  candidate  of  the  "Know-nothing"  (Na- 
tive American)  party.  A  stump-speaker,  making  a 
spread-eagle  speech  in  his  behalf,  shouted:  "Millard 
Fillmore  is  the  poor  man's  friend;  he  himself  was 
born  in  poverty:  his  poor  mother  cradled  him  in  a 
sap-trough."  "Arrah !"  yelled  Pat  from  the  audience, 
"an'  thot's  th'  raison  he  be  sic  a  dom  'Know-nothin' 
saphead !'  "  * 


IRISH    BULLS   AND    IRISH   WIT      233 


In  the  presidential  campaign  of  1856  the  Hon.  Sam. 
Gordon,  of  Delhi,  New  York,  was  making  a  speech  for 
"Fremont  and  Jessie"  to  a  crowded  audience  in  the 
court-house  at  Poughkeepsie.  In  reviewing  Bu- 
chanan's political  career  he  exclaimed  for  the  third 
time:  "And  in  that  matter,  gentlemen,  he  had  his  eye 
on  the  presidential  chair."  An  excited  Irish  demo- 
crat rose  up  in  the  rear  and  yelled :  " Yis,  be  Jasus,  an' 

the  foorth  av  Mairch  next  he'll  hev  his  on  it!" 

When  the  laughter  subsided,  Gordon  replied:  "I  hope 
not,  my  Irish  friend,  but  if  so  it  be,  there  will  be  surely 
an  ass  in  the  chair";  and  then  the  Republican  audi- 
ence yelled. 

"Gentlemen,  I  am  running  again  for  the  presi- 
dency," said  Bryan  on  the  rear  end  of  his  car  in  his 
third  campaign. 

"An'  how  mony  toims  moor  be  ye  goin'  te  run  on 
wan  leg  on  the  hind  ind  av  the  race?"  asked 
"Croaker."  * 

"My  hat  is  in  the  ring,"  said  Teddy  at  Cleveland. 

"An'  the  ring  be  in  the  'Steal  Trust,' "  said 
"Widdy"  Wilson.* 

"Me  ould  grandfayther  is  dead,"  said  Pat,  "an'  he's 
the  pn'y  survivor  av  the  battle  av  Watherloo."  * 

"The  Irish  Bull  broke  inty  the  House  of  Com- 
mons," said  Redmond,  "an'  they've  been  milkin'  him 
ever  since."  * 

"What  has  posterity  done  for  us?"  said  Sir  Boyle 
Roche  in  a  speech  in  Parliament.  There  was  much 
laughter.  "Oi  don't  mane  our  ancestors — Moses,  an' 
Abrahim,  an'  the  loike,"  said  Roche,  "but  the  min  thot 
came  immadiately  afther  thim."  And  then  the  House 
roared. 

"I'm  sorry,  Pat.  I  see  that  you  and  your  partner 
have  gone  into  bankruptcy.  "Yis,  indade ;  bad  luck  te 


234       IRISH  BULLS     AND  IRISH  WIT 


specelation.  We  wuz  driv  inty  the  bankrupt  coort 
on  a  foor  harse  tame  av  mools."  * 

"It's  true  indade,  Pat,  but  Oi  don't  belave  it,"  said 
Mike.* 

"You  need  good  manners  more  than  money,"  said 
an  American  to  an  importunate  beggar  in  Dublin. 

"Faith,  Oi'  axed  ye  fer  the  on'y  thing  ye  hev  te 
spare,"  said  Pat.* 

"Is  this  the  right  road  to  Limerick?"  asked  an 
American  tourist  of  Pat.  "Indade  it  is,"  said  Pat; 
"kape  strate  ahid  till  ye  coom  te  the  farks  av  the 
road." 

"Which  road  shall  I  take  then,"  asked  the  tourist. 

"Take  the  ether  wan,"  said  Pat.* 

Mrs.  McFlanigan  called  on  the  judge  at  Chambers 
and  said :  "Jedge,  Oi  want  a  disvorce  from  me  good- 
fer-nothin'  husband,  McFlanigan."  "What's  the  mat- 
ter?" asked  the  judge,  "does  he  beat  you?"  "Bate 
me !"  said  Biddy.  "Indade,  ef  he  attimpted  thot  Oi'd 
bate  the  livers  out  av  'im."  "Is  he  a  steady  worker 
and  a  good  provider  for  the  family?"  "Well,  yis," 
said  Biddy,  "he  buys  the  petates,  an'  he  swapes  the 
flure  an'  gits  the  supper  and  washes  the  dishes  afther 
he  gits  home  frum  his  wurruk."  "Does  he  drink,  Mrs. 
McFlanigan?"  "No,  Jedge,  not  frequently;  wonct  in 
a  while  he  stales  a  sup  out  av  me  jug."  "You  must 
have  good  grounds  for  divorce ;  what  grounds,  then, 
have  you,  Mrs.  McFlanigan?"  "Sure,  Oi  hev  the 
besht  grounds  in  the  worruld,  Jedge — infidility:  Mc- 
Flanigan is  not  the  fayther  av  me  lasht  child."  * 


POEMS  235 


These  stray  " chicks"  of  mine  are  not  at  home  here,  but 
they  were  hatched  after  my  Indian  Legends  and  Other  Poems 
were  out,  and  I  want  to  give  them  a  roosting-place  and  save 
them  from  the  wolf — for  a  time — if  I  can. — Hanford  L.  Gor- 
don, Los  Angeles,  Cal.,  Feb.  1,  1912. 


Colonel  Wilkin. 

(Read  at  the  unveiling  of  the  statue  of  Colonel  Alexander  Wilkin.  at  the 
Capitol,  St.  Paul,  Minnesota,  September  8,  1910.) 

I  knew  him — that  little  Wilkin, 
Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel; 

I  knew  him — that  gallant  Wilkin — 
Captain  of  Company  "A" 
Of  the  "North  Star's"  famous  "First." 

I  saw  him — that  gallant  Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
When  the  Bull  Run  rout  begun — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

When  hell  broke  loose  on  the  hill — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

When  most  of  us  broke  and  run, — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

With  saber  and  gun  and  skill: 
Nobody  thought  he  could  do  it, 

But  Wilkin  said  "I  will!" 

I  heard  of  him — Colonel  Wilkin — 
In  that  bloody  fight  at  Gun-town — 

Where  the  stalwart  "Ninth  Minnesota" 
Breasted  the  Rebel  charge; 

Where  the  color-guards  fell  by  the  colors, 
And  Sergeant  and  colors  went  down. 


236  POEMS 


The  brave  ranks  faltered  a  moment 

And  a  few  of  them  broke — but  No! 
That  Scotch-gristled  Sergeant,  Macdonald, 
Sprang  to  his  feet  and  flaunted 

His  flag  in  the  face  of  the  foe. 
And  he — that  gallant  Wilkin — 

Aflame  with  heroic  zeal — 
Covered  our  flying  disaster 

With  his  iron  men  of  the  "Ninth" 
In  a  blazing  wall  of  steel. 


I  heard  of  him — Colonel  Wilkin — 

That  bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
When  he  won  the  battle  of  Tupelo, 
And  fell,  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  our  country's  cause  and  weal. 
"Boys,"  he  said,  "I  am  blinded; 

Everything  looks  so  dark; 
I  can't  see  the  colors,  Comrades, 

Everything  looks  so  dark." 


Comrades,  we  are  dropping — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left; 
The  bravest  have  gone  before  us — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left. 


But  swing  your  hats  and  the  colors; 

Send  up  a  ghostly  cheer 
For  our  hero — the  gallant  Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
Who  fell  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  his  country's  cause  and  weal. 


POEMS  237 


Comrades,  we  are  dropping — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left; 
The  bravest  have  gone  before  us — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left. 
Don't  you  hear  our  Comrades  cheering 

Over  the  River? — Hark! 
I  can't  see  their  beaming  faces — 

"Everything  looks  so  dark." 

But  swing  your  hats  and  the  colors ; 

Send  up  a  ghostly  cheer 
For  our  hero — the  gallant  Wilkin — 

Soldier  with  nerves  of  steel — 
Who  fell,  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  his  country's  cause  and  weal. 

Comrades,  we  are  ready: 

Let  the  bugler  bugle  "Taps": 
But  hold  the  colors  steady: 

We've  had  our  day  of  toil  and  play : 

Gray  bugler,  toot  the  "Taps": 
But  we'll  swing  our  hats  before  we  go, 
And  yell  once  more,  as  they  yelled  that  day, 

For  the  hero  of  Tupelo. 


238  POEMS 


Au  Revoir. 

I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  starless  sea: 
There  is  no  light  to-night — to-night — 

On  ship  or  shore  for  me. 

My  bark's  adrift;  O  God,  I  lift 

My  craven  prayer  to  Thee : 
I'm  going  out  in  mist  and  doubt 

Upon  the  shoreless  sea. 

I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  starless  sea: 
I  see  no  light  to-night — to-night; 
I  only  hope;  I  can  not  doubt 

Thy  father-care  for  me. 

Later 

Good-night — good-night:  I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  star-lit  sea. 
At  last  to-night  I  see  the  light — 

God's  beacon-light  for  me. 

I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  the  star-lit  sea; 
No  more  I  fear — no  more  I  doubt : 
I  see  the  beaming  beacon-light 

An  Angel  holds  for  me. 

The  winds  are  still:     His  mighty  will 

Hath  stilled  the  stormy  sea: 
Good-night — good-night:  I  see  the  light — 
I  see  the  light — I  see  the  light 
An  Angel  holds  for  me. 

December  30,  1911. 


UNIVEBSITY   OF   CALIFOKNIA   LIBBABY, 
BEBKELEY 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED   BELOW 

Books  not  returned  on  time  are  subject  to  a  fine  of 
50c  per  volume  after  the  third  day  overdue,  increasing 
to  $1.00  per  volume  after  the  sixth  day.  Books  not  in 
demand  may  be  renewed  if  application  is  made  before 
expiration  of  loan  period. 


JUL  15 


75m-7,'30 


